Unsolicited Musings On Humanoids From The Deep

- answering the question: what if Creature From The Black Lagoon combined elements of Jaws, Alien, and Halloween without managing to be more entertaining than Grease 2 and also there’s a ventriloquist?

- it’s astounding how many dead dogs this movie serves up in the first 15-20

- it’s astounding how this movie portrays ventriloquism as an aphrodisiac

- Doug McClure isn’t the most swashbuckling hero but I was with it until they put him in a hooded rain slicker; suddenly he’s the sad child waiting at the bus stop, fighting back tears because Papa won’t take him to “Barney: Live”

- disturbingly realistic: the gore; disturbingly unrealistic: tie between the dj who cannot correctly pronounce “salmon” in a town whose entire economy appears salmon-based (maybe that’s performance art, who knows) and the kids who go sunbathing at a beach in Washington state mid-Autumn

- you gotta respect the fact that once a character gets a black eye they keep it for the rest of the movie (Anthony Pena takes so many shots to the face by the end he looks like a rotten plum)

- I’m surprised Ann Turkel’s infamous “I’m a professional scientist!” line has never made it to a t-shirt

- Humanoids From The Deep is a dramatic and evocative title but a more accurate one would be Rapist Cabbage People vs. The Noble Indian, Sex-Crazed Teenagers, & Other Cinematic Stereotypes

- it’s a shame this was one of Vic Morrow’s final movies; at least he commits, and I’ll be damned if his perm + creeper mustache combo ain’t happenin’

It’s Buffet Time

In high school I knew a kid named Darryl (I think that was his name) who looked like a teenage Gomez Addams. A little swarthy, thick mustache, droopy eyes, slick hair. Darryl was probably best known for being decent at basketball, but to me his defining characteristic was the way he sang EMF’s hit “Unbelievable.” He’d sing the whole thing normally until the chorus. At that point he’d substitute complete nonsense for the “you’re unbelievable!” part. Once when he was singing it, he looked me dead in the eye when he got to the chorus and said with a totally straight face, “it’s buffet time.”

I had no idea if he was referencing something from pop culture or his own weird life, but I can’t recall another instance when I laughed so hard at something for so long. I was crying. I’m not sure why. It was just so odd and unexpected. At the end of the year Darryl signed my yearbook “always keep it buffet”; part of me wishes I had asked him to write that on my arm so I could get it tattooed.

Last I heard, this guy was trying to launch a rap career under the name Dirty B. I hope that’s true. I hope he appreciates that I constantly say “it’s buffet time” to myself to get motivated or cheer myself up or in reaction to the utterly perplexing.

“Yaxzon Jackson” Post Game Wrap Up Gala Spectacular

You’ve listened to the entire first season of the “Yaxzon Jackson” podcast, now literally watch myself, Rollie Hatch, C. LeMar McLean, and Kirk Howle spin our wheels on Dangerous one last time. What are our final thoughts on this album? What does Kirk actually know about college football? How many Jerry Mathers jokes can we get through before we spit up on ourselves like stupid babies? Click play and find out.

Unsolicited Yule On “Christmas At Pee Wee’s Playhouse”

- this special has a higher rating on IMDb than Home Alone, proof Chris Columbus faulted by not hiring Charo to play Macaulay Culkin’s mom

- Spellcheck knows “Macaulay” but not “Culkin”

- it’s just now dawning on me that despite his physical adultosity Pee Wee Herman is supposed to be a child and therefore lacks the maturity to always make correct judgments or decisions; it helps to consider this when viewing, for one minute PW is telling us that giving to others is the real meaning of Christmas and the next he’s enslaving Frankie & Annette to draw his Xmas cards so he can play in the snow with Magic Johnson

- every celebrity you’d expect to appear on a Pee Wee Herman Christmas special from 1988 does: Cher, Little Richard, Dinah Shore, Zsa Zsa Gabor, the Del Rubio Triplets, k.d. lang, and Grace Jones (who arrives en route to a White House visit; because she is Grace Jones, however, she is traveling via the U.S. postal system in an oversized Christmas present box; probably cheaper than a plane ticket)

- similarly, every “Playhouse” regular you’d expect to appear does: Pterri, Randy, Chairy, Floory, Konky, Miss Yvonne, the King of Cartoons, Reba, Cowboy Curtis, Clocky, the Countess, Cool Cat, Chicky Baby, Dirty Dog, Penny, the dinosaurs in the wall (who are Jewish!), and of course Billy Bologna (my personal favorite for reasons I will never be able to fully convey/understand)

- this is the tv special that birthed the famed “Feliz Navi-blah” exchange; Ricardo does a great job keeping his patience as Pee Wee butchers his native language (does PW even go to school or is he just another dirty uneducated backwoods truant?)

- there’s a scene where Randy, the obnoxious marionette whose usual rap is cruelly teasing Pee Wee/the Playhouse denizens, attempts to make a point about the commercialization of Christmas; PW counters with something like, “Fine, then we won’t give you any gifts!”, which prompts Randy to backtrack; I don’t know why I expected PW to acknowledge Randy’s point or allow the least likable character to engineer a teaching moment, I don’t even know why PW lets Randy live in his Playhouse when all he does is disagree with and shit on everyone else (I have to assume they’re brothers and they were willed into joint ownership of the Playhouse)

- Joan Rivers cameos for a nanosecond from the set of “Hollywood Squares,” the only indication all of this is taking place in “the real world”

- Little Richard should have received an Emmy/Golden Globe/extra pinky ring for his dramatic “I quit ice skating!” speech

- the climax of “Xmas @ PWP” occurs when Santa Claus shows up to basically announce he’s canceling Christmas because Pee Wee asked for too many toys; this could have been the tipping point for PW’s transformation into complete sociopath, but (SPOILER ALERT) the man-child quickly remembers “the true meaning” of 12/25

- at first the fruitcake jokes seem like they aren’t going anywhere, but trust me, they pay off in a marvelous visual gag

- they should have added another hour to this gaudy cheese-fest and released it theatrically in place of Big Top Pee Wee

- if you’re forcing a grade out of me, how about A for vision, B for execution

- speaking of execution, I’d like to see Randy die in the electric chair

HEY REMEMBER THE NINETIES

Beloved Letterman sidekick Calvert DeForest and the members of Nine Inch Nails circa 1994. DeForest gave the band a memorable introduction at that year’s Woodstock: “Ladies and gentlemen, punch your balls off and please welcome Nine Inch Nails!”

Our Dangerous Michael Jackson Podcast Is Gone Too Soon

Here now, the final two episodes of “Yaxzon Jackson” Season One, in which Rollie and I discuss at length the songs that close Dangerous. Surprisingly we have little to say about a recycled Dionne Warwick ballad and a “Jam” rewrite; thus, discussion turns to Haywood Nelson, college football, the Ramones, our few listeners we know by name, and (of course) multi-instrumentalist Teddy Riley.

Yax Jax 013: “Gone Too Soon”
Yax Jax 014: “Dangerous”

Again, thanks for tuning in, and keep your eyes peeled for our self-indulgent wrap up episode where we reflect upon all we’ve accomplished podcasting about a latter day Michael Jackson album. The main difference is we’ll be wearing tuxedos.

Unsolicited Bantha Poodoo RE: The Star Wars Episode VII Teaser

- they’ve finally discovered the best way to move a robot around the desert: glue it to a beach ball

- every single film made in this day and age must feature a sequence that takes place in the rear of a cargo plane; if you don’t like it, move to Siberia

- yo, that girl is driving a giant stick of deodorant

- yo, that lightsaber has a mustache

- YOU WANTED THE BEST YOU GOT THE BEST THE HOTTEST SPACESHIP IN THE GALAXY THE MILLENNIUM FALCON [guitar solo]

- can America accept a Millennium Falcon with a square satellite dish?

- no shot of C-3PO clasping hands w/ Chewbacca a la Predator?

- this entire movie might take place in one afternoon on the last day of school (excuse me, the last day of space school)

- overall these table scraps make Star Wars 7 look reasonably exciting; guess I should start working on the Bib Fortuna costume I will wear when I camp out for opening night

- on the other hand, if I find out Max Rebo isn’t in this I’m switching to Battlestar Galactica (the original, with Dirk Benedict)

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