Don Mattingly Is Spending His Off Season Harassing A Guy In A Bear Costume
“Hey Carl, uh, Don Mattingly is in the parking lot with his kid and his kid’s friends, and they all want to shoot one of those basketball trick shot videos with our sign. I wasn’t sure what to tell ‘em, ’cause I’ve only been working at this McDonald’s for a couple days, and literally none of this was covered in the training video. Oh, there’s also a guy in a bear costume.”
You, The Master Of Quack Fu
Word has it George Lucas is holding a press junket at Skywalker Ranch this weekend for the forthcoming Phantom Menace rerelease during which he will only field questions from children. This seems like a prime opportunity to put a tyke in a Howard the Duck costume for a lil’ bit o’ searing antagonization. Get on that, pranksters.
Throw Another Blinky On The Goo Goo (Silverchair)
Today is Australia Day, the holiday that commemorates the 1788 arrival of Great Britain’s First Fleet to that particular koala-infested island continent. Much like our own Thanksgiving, this observance is a source of conflict for Australia’s native peoples, many of whom have renamed the Twenty-Sixth of January “Invasion Day” or “Survival Day.” That’s a bit more subtle than the protests Americans usually see in late November wherein the phrases “genocide” and “diseased blankets” are inevitably shoehorned into the proceedings.
Aborigines should take note that New York City has not suspended alternate side of the street parking today in what I can only assume is a show of support for their cause. Hopefully the Rotten Apple’s disgruntled vehicle owners will take a moment to consider your plight as they cruise the Manhattan grid searching for legal parking areas that are less than fifteen miles from their overpriced and cramped apartments. Not that they have any right to be disgruntled—the gas guzzlers got an unexpected break on Asian Lunar New Year earlier this week.
Suck it up, car jockeys. You’ll get another reprieve on Lincoln’s birthday.
Let us now luxuriate in the greatness of my favorite Aussie rock group while reflecting on all the times we as a nation collectively busted on Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Happy Thursday to everyone regardless of nationality, political affiliation, or level of Crocodile Dundee fandom.
Gov’t Misplaces John Hinckley’s Neckties (Or So They Claim)
The John Hinckley, Jr. play time hearing resumed this morning following a break for the holidays. Unfortunately, Hinck was not looking his best today, no thanks to his government handlers. From CNN:
Hinckley sat quietly listening to the court testimony Monday. He was wearing a brown sports coat without a tie. Hinckley usually wears a tie to court.
“[Hinckley's lawyer Barry] Levine made a point of explaining to the judge that the U.S. marshals who escort Hinckley from St. Elizabeths to the federal court house and sit with him during the testimony require him to leave his ties at the court. Levine said no one had been able to locate the ties before the hearing began. ‘No disrespect is meant for the court,’ said Levine.”
They’re playing mind games with you, John! Uncle Sam knows exactly where those ties are! Don’t let ‘em win with this pathetic attempt at psychological warfare!
Shit JG2 Says When He’s At The Orange City Applebee’s In 2004
“They have a pretty great quesadilla here.”
“Listen! They’re playing ‘Dream Police!’ Let’s go to the Virgin Megastore after this and buy as many Cheap Trick CDs as we can afford.”
“Okay, we can ‘share’ a martini, but I don’t drink, so, y’know, you’re responsible for taking care of the whole thing.”
“Excuse me, but it seems as if my water glass is cracked. Can I get a new one?”
“Oh no, Brian’s here. Yeah, things have been kind of awkward between us since I punched him in the balls at that traffic light.”
“So this is life after college. What a sham.”
JG2′s Top Ten Albums & Singles Of 2011 (Annotated Edition)
Previously published sans annotation here. This year’s lists are dedicated to Gidget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua (pictured, left), who died a couple years ago and has yet to receive a proper tribute in this country. Yes, I’m currently petitioning Congress to make her birthday a national holiday.
JG2′s TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2011
1. Turbo A.C.’s – Kill Everyone
2011′s greatest monument to that archaic concept of rock n’ roll and the trash culture that surrounds it. Key phrases from my original review of Kill Everyone: “crushing,” “foreboding,” “hot asphalt,” “heart-bruising melodies,” “wounded pride,” “punk aching,” and “zeal.” If these guys turn out to be stockbrokers who own property in Westchester County, I will lose all faith in humanity/art.
2. Anal Cunt – Fuckin’ A
Seth Putnam’s final stand unfurls itself as a twisted tribute to whiskey-soaked, crotch-rubbing hard rock circa 1984. Is it genuine or a complete piss take? The jury’s still out on that, but Fuckin’ A works as a curious buffer between the shrieky atonal hell of Anal Cunt’s normal grindcore and the grimy bombast of Mötley Crüe and Quiet Riot. The most accessible (not to mention most fun) record ever to bear the name Anal Cunt.
3. Lou Reed & Metallica – Lulu
Lou collaborates with the rock band we all assume is least aligned with his sensibilities and creates something that’s almost as deliciously painful as Metal Machine Music. Both parties must be commended for fully committing to their ridiculous union, a Waterworld for the iPod generation.
4. Pusrad – Smarttrams
This EP of jagged hardcore punk from Sweden is only two minutes long, but it leaves some serious road burn. Pusrad manage to display a surprising amount of dexterity in their attack, leaving one to wonder why all music of this nature can’t be as boisterous.
5. Screeching Weasel – First World Manifesto
One of the most focused and fulfilling entries of Screeching Weasel’s career. Unfortunately, buffoonery at the hands of Ben Weasel derailed any momentum First World had going, so it’ll probably take a few years for devoted pop punkers to place it in their minds next to previous towering SW efforts.
6. Megadeth – Thirteen
Of course thirteen would be a lucky number for this band previously obsessed with the occult, nuclear destruction, and religious jihads. Fantastic production allows Megadeth to stretch their legs a tad and gallop along at satisfying paces that don’t embarrass them. Also, they made a video with monkeys.
7. Das Racist – Relax
The Stephen Wrights of rap nail their debut album with lackadaisical but funny rhymes over beats that alternately accost and amuse. Lazy opportunists or dada novelty? Doesn’t matter when the returns are this high.
8. Beastie Boys – Hot Sauce Committee Part Two
The Beasties can get away with an album of 1980s Afrika Bambaataa video game noises because they lived through that era. As insular as Hot Sauce initially sounds, it’s ultimately a party record (even when Nas shows up).
9. Foo Fighters – Wasting Light
The big stupid white bread hooky arena rock record every year needs. Plenty of gusto to match the melody.
10. Black Dahlia Murder – Ritual
As I insisted before, BDM “effortlessly massage enormous amounts of feeling and harmony into their fist-clenching anthems of anger, pestilence, pain, and suffering.” 2011 offered no better soundtrack for all night Call of Duty finger-mashing sessions fueled by candy and energy drinks.
JG2′s TOP TEN SINGLES OF 2011
1. Baby Metal – “ド・キ・ド・キ☆モーニング (Freaky Morning)”
Death metal/grindcore is finally co-opted by J-Pop, and the results are life-affirming.
2. Anal Cunt – “Crankin’ My Band’s Demo On A Box At The Beach”
The imagery the chorus conjures up is hilarious. Can anyone imagine these guys going to the beach in the first place, let alone subjecting surfers to this noise as if it were Van Halen’s “Panama?”
3. Turbo A.C.’s – “Die Tomorrow”
Mainly for this lyrical gem: “Say you wanna die, but I think you’re a liar/I’ve never seen you at a Gray’s Papaya.”
4. Das Racist – “Michael Jackson”
Mainly for this lyrical gem: “Yeah, I’m fuckin’ great at rapping!”
What, did you think this Loutallica record wasn’t gonna sound like they were making it up as they go along?
6. Beastie Boys – “Lee Majors Come Again”
The Beasties can still get all 1992 on your ass if they really feel like it.
Yeah, she’s fuckin’ great at rapping.
8. Foo Fighters – “White Limo”
The Foos mainline the Cult and make you hard/wet with anticipation.
9. The Black Dahlia Murder – “Conspiring With The Damned”
Hey, this death metal isn’t giving me a headache yet!
10. Avril Lavigne – “What The Hell”
Everybody likes a little cotton candy.
AC/DC Pinball Machine Missing Crucial Testicle-Related Song
Sure, it may have a “groundbreaking rule set” and a “packed playfield,” but when none of the twelve songs featured on your AC/DC pinball machine are “Big Balls,” well, I’m sorry, but I think I’ll take my six thousand dollars elsewhere.
Man, if the cheapest model available today costs six grand, imagine how much this sucker would have set you back thirty years ago when pinball was still popular!
Jimmy Castor: 1947-2012
Jimmy Castor, the boisterous funk singer who authored some of the genre’s best tongue-in-cheek party anthems, died today of causes yet to be revealed. Castor’s death was confirmed on Twitter this afternoon by his grandson, P.J. Romain. The singer was 64.
Born in Harlem, Jimmy Castor tasted his first morsel of fame in 1957 when he briefly replaced troubled doo-wop singer Frankie Lyman in Lyman’s group the Teenagers. Castor floated around the New York scene for a while after that before scoring a solo hit in 1966 with the Latin soul record “Hey Leroy, Your Mama’s Callin’ You” (famously sampled twenty years later by the Beastie Boys on their track “Hold It, Now Hit It”). The formation of the Jimmy Castor Bunch came in 1972; that group would pepper the ’70s with an array of goofy funk jams like “Troglodyte (Cave Man)” and “The Bertha Butt Boogie.” Despite their often laughable themes, everything the Castor Bunch played was founded on a bedrock of serious musicianship, and the group was indeed respected within the funk community.
Once the Me Decade faded away, Jimmy Castor’s flame was kept alive by scores of pioneering hip hop artists who sampled his music in their own. Said hip hoppers include but are not limited to Grandmaster Flash & the Furious Five, Erik B. & Rakim, the Ultramagnetic MCs, Big Daddy Kane, 2 Live Crew, House of Pain, the aforementioned Beastie Boys, and even N.W.A. No less than Kanye West has sampled Castor in the Twenty-First Century, using a portion of 1979′s “I Just Wanna Stop” on the 2004 College Dropout track “We Don’t Care.”
I went through a deadly Jimmy Castor phase circa 2007. Anyone who rode in my car was forced to listen to the JCB’s greatest hits CD, particularly “King Kong.” I adore that silly ode to Hollywood’s most beloved giant ape. It’s easily my favorite Jimmy Castor composition. Never fails to melt my blues away.
Komasongay Kong!
My condolences to P.J. Romain and the rest of Castor’s surviving family. I’m sure he’ll keep the afterlife extra funky and fun for everyone stuck on that unfortunate side.
Lookout! Records: 1987-2012
Lookout! Records, the California-based independent record label that helped usher in the modern era of pop punk as we know it via such bands as Green Day and the Queers, has closed down after twenty-five years of operation. Somewhere, the laces of an anonymous teenager’s black Converse high tops have become irreversibly knotted out of frustration and sadness.
Founded in 1987 by friends Larry Livermore and David Hayes, Lookout! Records quickly aligned itself with San Francisco’s East Bay punk clique by issuing discs from that scene’s giants (Crimpshrine, Operation Ivy, et al). The signing of a nascent trio named Green Day in 1988 would prove to the be label’s wisest business decision; when that group exploded onto MTV seven years later, their first two efforts for Lookout! became an unexpected revenue goldmine. Of course, by that time, Lookout! Records had also cemented its reputation as the underground’s premiere purveyor of pop punk, having released pivotal albums by such melodically-inclined outfits as Screeching Weasel, the Queers, and the Mr. T Experience.
Things behind the scenes at Lookout! Records were not always as upbeat as the records they pressed; many bands accused Livermore’s label of shifty bookkeeping and non-payment of royalties, a complication of the various handshake agreements Lookout! brokered with its talent. A legal kerfuffle nearly broke out in the mid-’90s after Screeching Weasel front man Ben Foster began publicly taking Livermore’s business ethics to task. At the brink of lawyering up, the label decided to simply re-sign Screeching Weasel to a contract where everything money-wise was clearly spelled out. Around the same time, Larry Livermore sold his stake in the company, although he would always remain the figure most closely associated with Lookout! Records.
Despite its relatively peaceful conclusion, the Screeching Weasel dust-up emboldened several other bands to reconsider their relationship with Lookout!. The past decade and a half saw numerous flagship acts move their material from the label to be distributed under anything but that iconic grinning eyeball logo. Such maneuvering always dealt Lookout!’s finances and goodwill serious blows, but no blow proved bigger than Green Day’s July 2005 decision to pull their first two albums from their former home over alleged unpaid royalties. Suddenly, the company’s poster band (and only seven figure generator) was gone. Lookout! Records would never fully recover from this dissolution; just a year later, the label ceased issuing new releases to focus on selling their storied back catalog.
Lookout! Records was to me in the ’90s what Stax was to kids in the ’60s. It was just a goldmine for all who loved snot-nosed Ramonesy junk. They released the three best Queers albums (Beat Off, Love Songs For The Retarded, Don’t Back Down), the two best Screeching Weasel albums (Boogadaboogadaboogada!, Anthem For a New Tomorrow), every Donnas album I’m embarrassed I don’t own, the only Mr. T Experience album I wasn’t embarrassed to own (Everyone’s Entitled To Their Own Opinion), and the best-sounding thing Furious George ever recorded (the Goes Ape! EP). I can’t think of another record label I ever consciously, or even subconsciously, pledged my allegiance to like that.
That said, it would be a stretch to say it’s a shame Lookout! is finally folding after x amount of years. They had a nice little dynasty for probably three times longer than they thought they would. Also, if you’re sitting on two Green Day records and you still can’t manage to pay Pansy Division on time, well, your business license should probably be revoked anyway.
Then again, what do I know about running a record label? Diddly squat. I just snap up what they poop out. Who knows, maybe a couple of those Pansy Division albums cost several million clams to make.
Friday The 13th Bad Luck Recap
- I got a little nauseous during a car ride around Manhattan
- the hall of records did not have the documents I was searching for
- Super Troopers was a little pixilated when I watched it on Netflix Instant
Oh, the horror!
