Inaccurate Hip-Hop Lyrics Volume One

“Don’t start me up like a Rolling Stone/I’ll leave ya sulkin’ like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone!” - “On Point,” House of Pain

Macauly Culkin was far from “sulkin’” in Home Alone. The young actor’s character Kevin McCallister was in complete rapture for the majority of the film, elated to finally be rid of his oppressive parents and vast array of obnoxious siblings/cousins. This can be evidenced by the various montages that pad the movie. He runs around the house screaming like an idiot. He eats whatever the hell he wants whenever the hell he wants it. He rummages through everyone else’s stuff and wastes countless ounces of aftershave. This kid obviously does not give a flying fuck where his dumb-ass family is.

It’s only toward the end of the movie after he talks to the creepy old guy that Kevin comes anywhere near “sulkin’” (personally, I think “kinda bummed” would be a more accurate description of the sad face the lil’ stinker is making right before his tender reunion with Mom and Dad). Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver, he was “sulkin’.” Salieri in Amadeus, he was “sulkin’.” Shit, there was more “sulkin’” in the damn Muppet movies. Home Alone and its main protagonist, however, fall quite low on the sulk meter.

House of Pain, I suggest you watch Home Alone a second time and really study the character of Kevin McCallister. I implore you to then write a new version of “On Point” in which you address your previous mistake and what you learned from it. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

Hello, Friends

Welcome to the grand re-opening of JG2Land. We’ve made vast improvements since those kids got crushed to death on our “Carousel of Outmoded Electronics” ride. Every attraction now has a height limit and requires two forms of I.D. Also, our Tom Collins Hospitality Tent has been shut down indefinitely. On the brighter side, senior citizens still get in for free on Sundays and we’ve lowered the price of our famous ostrich legs! Mmmm mmmm!

Okay, enough horsing around. For the uninitiated, my name is James and I’m a writer. I turned semi-pro when I was fifteen and it’s been all downhill since. My day-to-day life isn’t all that interesting or captivating, so this blog is going to be more a repository of ideas, commentary, and recurring “bits,” if you will. Hopefully you’ll find it entertaining. Hopefully it won’t land me in any kind of hot water with my day job/Al-Qaeda/Don Rickles.

So what’s on tap specifically for this unprecedented addition to the blogosphere? Unwarranted opinions on music/movies/current events. Foolhardy undertakings, such as a grand attempt to review every episode of “The Simpsons” ever and further experiments in film/album synchronization (anyone remember when I used to do this?). Up to the minute coverage of the JG2 2008 Death Pool-o-Rama. General tomfoolery. Wacky hi-jinks. Clown sucking.

What else can I say? Thanks for tuning in. Here’s a Presidents Of The United States Of America review to tide you over until my next entry. Until then, hasta lasagna, don’t get any on ya.