Does anyone know when this “Arrested Development” movie is supposed to happen? I ask not because I’m a huge fan of the show - I’ve watched a handful of episodes and, while they certainly kept me entertained, I wouldn’t jump Snake River Canyon to see any more - but because I’m very desperate for Jason Bateman to stay in the public eye. You see, J.B. is celebrity people tell me I most resemble. I kind of see it:
No one’s ever going to mistake us for twins, but something is going on there. Maybe it would be slightly more convincing if my hair didn’t look like a pile of bird shit in that photo.
People were commenting on JG2/Bateman connection as early as the late eighties, when Jason was setting young teen hearts aflutter on forgotten NBC chestnut “The Hogan Family.” I, of course, reaped no benefits from this physical similarity at the time beyond the amazement of my mother and a few neighbors. All the girls in my elementary school were into Kirk Cameron (goddamn powerhouse ABC lineup).
Recently, a British tourist in Times Square made it a point to tell me I had “a look” of Jason Bateman. I have to tell you, that’s pretty cool. The guy starred in one of television’s most respected and well-received programs (known at least two countries over)…and I look like him! Purely for my own ego, “Arrested Development” and Jason Bateman’s career renaissance both need to continue. Anything to avoid another decade-plus Bateman drought.
That was a rough time. In the absence of Jason’s sexy, befuddled presence, my face is unfortunately most often associated with a sub-sub-sub pop culture fragment that was the “All Your Base Are” of its day.
Seriously, I never, ever want to be the “Toasty!” guy again.
Anyone who played video games for more than half an hour in the nineties knows who I’m talking about. In “Mortal Kombat II,” whenever you pulled off some kind of sick uppercut combination, this guy would pop up:
This rather nondescript white guy would quickly shout, “Toasty!” in a shrill falsetto and disappear back into the nether regions of the game. His name is Dan Forden and he actually programmed the sound and music for “Mortal Kombat II.” Considering the fact Dan was on screen for less than three seconds in any given game of “Mortal Kombat II,” it’s hard to imagine anyone being able to firmly say he looked like anyone else in the world or vice versa, but it happened. To me. A lot.
I remember hanging out at Gator’s Dockside in DeLand, FL, my sophomore or junior year of high school with a handful of friends. “The Hogan Family” had been off the air for four long years. Mankind as a whole could barely remember it, much less its teen star Jason Bateman.
My pals and I were taking turns playing “Mortal Kombat II” in the Gator’s game room when this little digital asshole suddenly, inexplicably popped up at the bottom right hand side of the screen. Immediately, all four of my friends did a double take and proclaimed that I looked just like this shrieking weirdo. At first I was skeptical, but the more we played, the more Dan Forden’s tiny visage appeared.
Jesus, we do kind of look alike, I thought.
Not THAT much, though. Well, whatever. It doesn’t matter. Nobody likes this game anymore, so I’ll probably never hear this again.
As my father loved to yell at me when I was a child, WRONG! A short time later in my Journalism class, this goofy surfer kid named Shawn Van Kleeck flipped a goddamn biscuit when he met me.
“You look just like ‘Toasty!’”
Thus it began anew. Thanks to Shawn, a whole group of freshman shouted, “Toasty!” at me every time I passed them in the halls until I graduated. I’m kind of surprised no one signed my yearbook with that immortal phrase. Hell, I’m surprised I wasn’t voted Most Likely to Interrupt a Video Game with an Unnecessary Adjective.
The truly fucked up thing is this shit didn’t end when I left high school. Dan Forden really made an impression on an entire generation of gamers. All I had to do in college was say the word “toast” and someone would inevitably make a “Toasty!” joke, look at me, and tell me once again that I look like the motherfucking “Toasty!” guy. Hell, sometimes I got it when what I actually said “roast” or “boast” or “talk show host.”
Can you imagine a more asinine, pointless celebrity anyone could look like? It’s like having a dog that looks like Spuds McKenzie. Sigh. I eventually accepted God’s cruel joke and responded to the “Toasty!” masses the only way I knew how:
Let me tell you, after I made this image and put it on the Internet, people lost their goddamn minds. I used to have a website that was my name dot com. Every fucking day at least one person would surf in searching for info on the “Toasty!” guy, see this picture, and send me a message that said, “Hey, you do look like Dan Forden! LOL!”
This, despite the fact I’m wearing SUNGLASSES and a RED shirt in that picture. I guess they could just sense the Dan Forden radiating from my general being.
Dan, if you’re reading this, I hate you. You ruined high school for me. I didn’t get to go to prom because of you, I was a virgin until I was nineteen because no girl wanted to fuck the “Toasty!” guy, and my father had a heart attack and died when he found out you existed (luckily, he magically came back to life two minutes later). I hope you run out of “Mortal Kombat” money and Goro stomps your balls into powdered milk.
Jason, if you’re reading this, keep up the good work and don’t turn down anything. Otherwise people might start telling you you look like Dan Forden. I’m sure that would drive you to suicide (or worse).
