Behold, The Mighty Niagara Falls

Click to make more mighty:

This is how I celebrated my Independence Day this year – by driving six hours north of New York City to look at a giant Canadian waterfall. It was the best July 4th I’ve ever had.

Look at that goddamn rainbow. Isn’t that awe-inspiring? These photos, by the way, were taken from the famous Maid of the Mist boat tour. Surprisingly, I did not vomit on this short sea-faring adventure. I credit a lunch of one rocky road ice cream cone at the U.S. Welcome Center for that.

Here’s a view of the American falls. You can see some of Ontario in the background. I was gonna go over to the Canuck side, but it looked kind of trashy. I don’t trust any place that has a Planet Hollywood and a Hard Rock Cafe so close to one another. Even the entrance looked dubious:

Was this the entrance to another country or the Bronx Zoo? I couldn’t tell. Neither could the guy in this picture, who looks more confused than an American should be on the Fourth of July.

Here’s proof I was actually there and didn’t just pull these photos from someone else’s travel blog.

While in the general area, I decided to pay a visit to Buffalo. How could I pass up the chance to see the city that gave the world F. Scott Fitzgerald, the Goo Goo Dolls, AND Weezer drummer Patrick Wilson?

Buffalo is also where President William McKinley was assassinated in 1901. That giant obelisk in front of city hall was erected in his honor. Two other U.S. Presidents are associated with Buffalo: Millard Fillmore, who grew up in the area and is buried in the city’s Forest Lawn Cemetery (near Rick James, bitch!), and Grover Cleveland, who was once Buffalo’s Mayor. Those dudes have statues near the giant white McKinley penis.

Here I am chillin’ with ol’ Millie, my favorite New York State Comptroller. Represent!

While in Buffalo, yes, I did have Buffalo wings. Yes, they were better than any other Buffalo wings I’ve ever had. I was also accosted by a member of Buffalo’s Church of Scientology while strolling down the city’s bucolic Main Street. I bring this up only because Churchy looked like William Katt of “Greatest American Hero” fame. Curly blond hair, weird-lookin’ face…he was even wearing a bright red shirt. Creepy.

Before leaving for good, I went back to Niagara Falls to take the “Cave of the Winds” tour. This ten dollar journey lets you walk right up to the American falls so you can get pummeled by their massive watery force. Seriously, you go down an elevator, walk around a crudely constructed deck, and WHAMMO! Niagara Falls is washing over you, preventing you from seeing or breathing or being dry ever again in your life. It’s lots of fun.

Now that’s the face of a happy idiot.

JG2’s Niagara Falls travel tips:

- If you forget your passport and are worried about getting into Canada/the U.S., just pretend to be Amish. I saw a whole family of Ahms get into Canada, and they didn’t have anything proving who they were beyond their beards, long skirts, and pleasant demeanors.

- Don’t try to sell hot dogs illegally outside the U.S. Welcome Center. The cops will shut you down quickly and without mercy, no matter how tasty your sausages are.

- Don’t try to direct traffic outside the U.S. Welcome Center, especially if you are drunk and from Arkansas. You will most likely be run over by zealous Canadian tourists.