Halloween ‘92: Epic Fail

Something I neglected to mention in my unsolicited review of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure – for a long time, that movie was my favorite post-Ghostbusters cinematic property of the 1980s (despite its complete lack of boobs, gremlins, or John Candy). I must have rented it every weekend the first two or three months it was available on VHS. Why my parents didn’t buy me my own damn copy, I have no idea. They were kind of slow on the uptake sometimes.

I remember completely losing my shit the afternoon I found out a second Bill & Ted was on the way. I was errantly flipping through a stray issue of Time Magazine underneath my parents’ coffee table in the family room when I suddenly spotted an alien photo of Alex Winter and Keanu Reaves.

“Bill & Ted Go To Hell,” the pre-name change caption read, going on to say something to the effect that Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure was the stupidest movie to ever yield a sequel. Ouch. My first taste of Northeast elitism. Hey, Time Magazine, I’ve got your Ingmar Bergman right here.

I was all about Bogus Journey in ‘91 (even though I didn’t actually see it until January of 1992) and I was determined to dress up as either Bill, Ted, or the film’s Grim Reaper character for Halloween that year. In my sick, delusional mind, a homemade Grim Reaper costume seemed much easier and less stressful than an attempt at either Bill or Ted. I wish I could tell you what I thought was so challenging about a backwards hat and a green flannel shirt. Remember, we’re talking about the same kid who thought the best way to get rid of a stolen copy of Penthouse was to flush it down the guest bathroom toilet.

Anywho, the d.i.y. Reaper outfit. My theory was a black hoodie, some cheap Halloween make-up, and a toy hockey stick wrapped in tin foil would get the job done. Oh, how wrong I was:

This picture just screams, “Beat me with a shovel.” Thank god my mom did a pretty good job on the make-up. Otherwise, I probably would have looked like the poorest (and least Asian) ninja in all of Japan. Actually, I kind of look like one of those Scandinavian Death Metal guys. Burn the churches, praise to Odin!

I was pretty happy with my homemade costume at the time…until Matt Salyer showed up to the Halloween party I hosted that evening in a far superior Grim Reaper costume. He had gone all out, buying a long, flowing robe from Spencer Gifts and fashioning his scythe out of a large piece of driftwood. It also didn’t hurt that Matt was about six feet tall and weighed nearly two hundred pounds. His Grim Reaper was a large and imposing collector of souls. My Grim Reaper was some kind of misshapen hockey troll foraging the wastelands for discarded fast food wrappers and day old coffee.

You will notice in the following photo that a significant portion of my make-up came off before the night was over. This was due to the fact that A) I bought the least expensive clown crap I could find, B) one of my guests thought it would be funny to spray me directly in the face with a shitload of shaving cream before he was even out of his mother’s car, or possibly C) a combination of both. Clearly, I should have picked up whatever greasepaint Ed “The Joker” Charlesworth was using.

From left to right: Suburban Commando Jim Raymond, Jake Hallam as John Shaft (coolest honky at this vanilla-fest), Me, Ed, Matt “Superior Reaper” Salyer, Josh Wyatt in The Most Elaborate Batman Costume Ever Constructed By Someone Outside Hollywood (Josh and I were actually kicked out of a local hardware store a week earlier while he was searching for Bat-materials), the politically-minded Jim Rumpf as Reagan’s Iran Adviser (a costume only my parents understood), and Colin Reinhardt as that notorious comic villain the Clock King.

One of these guys recently got engaged. One of these guys appeared on “The Late Show with David Letterman” a few years ago.* One of these guys impaled his thumb on a fence while attempting to steal a couple cans of twenty-five cent soda. Two of these guys had a falling out because one guy made a bunch of 900 sex line phone calls from the other guy’s grandparents’ house (awkward!). One of these guys has a blog none of the other guys read (weak sauce).

But I digress. Though certainly not the worst costume in the history of JG2 Halloween – that would probably go to my atrocious Omen-related 2001 garb (for some reason, I thought Damien wore a cape) – the Grim Reaper is definitely up there. I give this one a solid 8 on the Shitty Costume Scale. May God have mercy on my thirteen year old soul.

* – Apparently I was wrong about this. See comments for further explanation.

Change I Can Believe In

The Cornuzine Interviews: Harry Shearer

I used to do a website called Cornuzine. These are the interviews from it. For more info, read the first three paragraphs of this.

What can you say about Harry Shearer? He co-created Spinal Tap, wrote and performed on “Saturday Night Live,” had a memorable cameo in Wayne’s World 2, appeared in the 1994 Martin Short/Danny Glover comedy Pure Luck, and played Murray Sports in The Fish That Saved Pittsburg. On top of all that, Harry’s been with “The Simpsons” since the show began, giving life to such beloved characters as Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Ned Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy, Principal Skinner, Lenny Leonard, Ranier Wolfcastle, and Kent Brockman.

In short, the man in a legend. So what the hell was Harry Shearer doing talking to me and my small-time waste of bandwidth five years ago?

I have no idea. I guess Harry’s just one of those celebrities you’d call “fan friendly.” That worked out in Cornuzine’s benefit, providing my rinky-dink website with its most prominent interview subject ever. So hats off to Harry Shearer. Hopefully this interview didn’t lead to whispers of slumming or his star fading. Read on to learn about Harry’s musical leanings, what he remembers of his experiences on “Leave It To Beaver” (Shearer played Eddie Haskell in the pilot episode), and who in his opinion was the weirdest “Simpsons” guest star.

HARRY SHEARER: HANDSOME DAN & BEYOND

JAMES GREENE JR: You don’t strike me as the type of guy who particularly enjoys heavy metal. Do you have any appreciation for it (beyond its unintentional ridiculousness) or has it always seemed like a really bad joke to you?

HARRY SHEARER: More of the latter, although it is fun to play.

JG2: Mmm. When I was watching the “Inside The Actors Studio” with the cast of “The Simpsons,” I couldn’t help but notice that Julie Kavner wasn’t around for the second half of the show. Did she get sick or something?

HS: She had a train to catch. The taping ran almost six hours.

JG2: Six hours?!? That’s insane! Did it irk you at all, sitting their for that long talking as Ranier Wolfcastle and the like, or did you enjoy it?

HS: Irked and enjoyed, at different points in the proceedings.

JG2: I was reading on your website that you were banned from the Fox News Channel because of your book It’s The Stupidity, Stupid. I hadn’t heard anything about this. Care to explain just what happened?

HS: It’s a long story, but, in an interview on MSNBC (what was I thinking?), they bumped to commercial with a quote from the book comparing Dick Morris’ proclivity for sucking hookers’ toes (remember that?) to his working for Rupert Murdoch. Either Roger Ailes or his number one flunky saw that, took great offense (although Morris also works for Murdoch’s New York Post), and had my pending appearances to discuss the book on FNC cancelled.

JG2: That’s totally lame. The Dick Morris thing isn’t even that controversial. What a pisser. Moving on – you screen tested for the role of Eddie Haskell. Do you have any idea why they didn’t pick you? You couldn’t have been that bad, because you did end up on one or two episodes of “Leave It To Beaver,” didn’t you?

HS: I don’t think I ever did any episodes of “Beaver,” and I don’t know whether I wasn’t picked or whether my parents, after I shot the pilot, decided it was a bad idea for me to co-star in a show. I know they felt that way, but I don’t know whether they withdrew me from consideration.

JG2: Did they not want you to miss your childhood or get completely warped from being on a t.v. show that young?

HS: They didn’t want me to costar in a show. They were cool with me working occasionally.

JG2: Ah. One of the highlights of Wayne’s World 2 was your appearance as Handsome Dan. I could literally watch that part for hours. I’d go so far as to say that made me laugh harder than any part of This Is Spinal Tap. How does that make you feel? I mean, do people ever tell you that they love Handsome Dan?

HS: Yeah, somebody’s told me about loving virtually everything I’ve done. That one was kind of weird, because it involved reprising, in a slimmed down way, a sketch I’d done years earlier on SNL, and I always feel weird repeating myself that way. I always feel weird repeating myself that way.

JG2: On “The Simpsons,” do you ever record your voice work along side the guest stars? If so, have there been any memorable exchanges between yourself and one of the show’s guests?

HS: Usually the guests show up on their own schedule. Weirdest one to show up with us was, natch, Michael Jackson, who did the speaking part himself, but had an MJ impersonator do the singing in the show. I guess we weren’t paying him enough.

JG2: Of all the people that I’d think would come whenever he pleased…speaking of that business, has anyone ever asked you to call up their kids as Mr. Burns or Ned Flanders for a birthday or anything? Have you ever called someone as a Simpsons character just to screw with their minds?

HS: Nope.

JG2: Okay! You once stated that you enjoy any bass line Victor Wooten plays. Color me ignorant, but just who is this Victor Wooten? Please, provide me with some quick information on this favorite bass player of yours.

HS: He’s a remarkable player, usually seen with Bela Fleck’s band.

JG2: A Flecktone! You also like the Beatles, don’t you? What do you think of the fact that Paul and Ringo are still out there playing?

HS: Yes, I’m a fan. I think it’s great they’re still playing, what are they supposed to do, write letters to The Times of London?

JG2: Yes, that’s exactly what they’re supposed to do! Finally, was that your real mustache in This Is Spinal Tap?

HS: It was real in the sense that, yes, it was growing on my face at the time.

JG2: Wow.

- Cornuzine.com, 6/3/03

HARRY SHEARER’S TOP FIVE FAVORITE BASS LINES

Relayed to me sometime before the preceding interview for a much smaller, less significant feature:

1. McCartney’s on “Lady Madonna”
2. Whoever played with Robert Kraft on “a song for miles”
3. Horace Silver’s bass player on “Senor Blues”
4. Anything Victor Wooten plays
5. George Porter Jr.’s part on The Meters’ “Hey Pocky Way”

Why? Because, as Harry noted, “they swing.”

Behold, The Vader Pumpkin

Carved in less than an hour. Believe it.

JG2Land Exclusive: Hot Steamy Greaser Pictures!

Currently, the number one search term that brings people to this blog is “greaser,” on account a’ last July I wrote a brief entry poking fun at Shia LaBeouf’s dubious Mutt Williams character from Indiana Jones and The Yeah, Sure – Aliens, Communists, Whatever – Let’s Just Shoot This Shit And Go To The Bank Already. Said entry was tagged, of course, with the word “greaser” and numerous phrases revolving around that word (“shia labeouf questionable greaser,” “that greaser isn’t greasy enough,” etc).

I deleted the greaser post a while ago during a protracted period of self-loathing, but that has not stopped hundreds of people from stumbling across JG2Land every time they type the “g” word into whatever search engine they like to dick around with when no one’s looking. I guess the Internet just likes to trick people. It’s the electronic equivalent of the asshole who purposely gives you bad directions because his father hit him once when he was twelve.

Well, I’m going to end your disappointment right now, ’50s geeks and Brylcreem enthusiasts. Here I present for your viewing pleasure a nice selection of hot, steamy greaser pictures. Stare at these photos for inspiration before slippin’ on your leather jacket and headin’ over to the malt shop to give Ponyboy and Sodapop Curtis what for. Hey Cunningham, I ain’t no stoolie!

Unsolicited Bugsy Malone Review

Bugsy Malone
Starring: Scott Baio, Jodie Foster, a bunch of kids who never did anything else
Directed by Alan Parker
1976

Two years before helming the Turkish prison drama Midnight Express, Alan Parker turned in this wacky all-kid salute to the gangster flicks of yesteryear. There’s singing! There’s dancing! There’s no one over the age of sixteen! There’s ample amounts of Scott Baio, too, whose turn as the title character is just as average as anything he ever did on “Happy Days.” Luckily, every other kid in Bugsy Malone sucks so bad they make Baio look like Brando – every one, that is, except Jodie Foster, who steamrolls Scott as sarcastic showgirl Tallulah. They really should have called this picture Watch Jodie Foster Blow Chachi And All His Stupid Friends Off Screen Because She’s Been Acting Since She Came Out Of The Womb And She’s AWESOME At It.

The plot of Bugsy Malone (which, despite the photo above, is in color) revolves around two rival gangs fighting over control of a new weapon – the “Splurge” gun, a confectionery-based weapon that fires heavy doses of whip cream right into its victim’s faces. It’s like some kind of shit the Joker might have used on the old “Batman” TV series. Nothing in this movie is funnier than watching so many unassuming tots get nailed in the face with Splurge guns; to signify these poor kids have “died,” the camera will suddenly freeze for a moment on their startled, cream-encrusted faces before quickly cutting to the next shot. It’s pretty jarring and goofy at first, but you get used to it. This is, after all, a movie about gangsters in which none of the cast members have pubic hair.

Caught somewhere in the middle of this prepubescent gangland war is Scott Baio, who spends most of Bugsy Malone desperately trying to romance a timid young singer named Blousey Brown. He starts by taking her out for a large meal at a diner. When the check comes, Scotty locks the only waitress on duty in a nearby phone booth to avoid paying the bill. Okay, now say it with me: twenty years later, Baio would pull the same exact stunt in real life at a San Diego Denny’s. He didn’t know the Grand Slam Breakfast was so expensive! But I kid the washed-up star of Zapped! and Zapped Again! I’m sure he’s paid for every meal he’s ever eaten at Denny’s in his entire life.

Bugsy Malone’s Oscar-nominated score(!), composed by 1970s superstar/Dr. Zaius lookalike Paul Williams, holds together the parts of this movie where cutesy kiddie charm just isn’t adhesive enough. The only weird part is all the songs in the film are sung by adults, and watching these little ruffians lip-synch isn’t convincing in the least. A few of the tykes are clearly aware of this and don’t even try to match their grown-up counterparts (Foster in particular). Still, the tunes are good, almost good enough to make me consider hunting down the 1996 UK CD release of the soundtrack. The cover art is pretty hot, too.

Bugsy Malone has yet to be released on DVD in the U.S. – the copy I Netflixed was an Asian import with surprisingly good subtitles. If you have a Blu-Ray, though, you’re in luck – a “region free” version was recently released on that format in the U.K., complete with director’s commentary and special features. So go hit up some Brit website if you have a burning desire to own the greatest mobster musical starring “Charles in Charge” and a child named Michael Jackson who is most certainly NOT the famous Michael Jackson (nor is he the Michael Jackson I went to middle school with).

Final Score: Two and a half Splurge guns out of four.

Radar Magazine R.I.P.

Radar Magazine, the snarky periodical whose online version solicited two awesome articles from yours truly, is folding as of today. This is the third time Radar has folded in the past four years. If they come back again, they should subtitle the magazine The Dream Child.

I don’t mind telling you now that my experience with Radar was pretty goddamn weird. On the one-to-ten scale, it would get an easy seven (above the time I farted so hard I fell off my bed but below my 2005 colonoscopy). The theme park article was the first thing I pitched to them. Their enthusiasm was boundless.

“You understand our readership perfectly!” they said.

That’s cool, I thought. I possess an inherent, unbeknownst knowledge. Have I mastered the five magics? Of course, I would come to find out my brand new super powers were non-existent. What Radar meant when they threw that initial glowing praise my way was, “You understand our readership perfectly! They want to read exactly one article about closed theme park attractions! Everything else has to be about ‘Gossip Girl,’ Heath Ledger, and the Palin family!” Three or four more pitches similar to “Out Of Service” later, this was spelled out to me quite clearly.

“You don’t understand our readership at all!”

I’m paraphrasing, but only a little bit. These quotes are from the same person, too. It certainly was confusing, but I said the hell with it. I tried to get into that quasi-political, Mocha Frap-gulping, celebrity-obsessed, somewhat-cerebral young female writing zone. The result? A second article that revolved around such hip young figures as Al Jolson and Harry Truman. Sounds crazy, but Radar ran it. They must have been pressed for material that week.

I appreciate Radar giving me the work and some much-needed exposure, but I can’t say I’m terribly surprised or upset by the news of their demise. I sort of sensed that they didn’t really understand their readership. I mean, I don’t know if anyone could pull off devoting as much ink to Michelle Obama as they did to Hot Chicks With Douchebags. It was like they were trying to push two worlds together that just didn’t mix, like The Huffington Post and Chelsea Lately.

Rest in peace, Radar. I ain’ mad atchya. Okay, I’m a little mad atchya. I think my “Ten Real-Life Batman Villains” feature would have been the most Dugg article in your history. But I’ll admit a bias on that. Say hi to Spy for me.

P.S. – No one had Radar in the death pool.
P.P.S. – If anyone from Radar is reading this, you still owe me a check. I understand the difficult position you’re in right now, but I NEEDZ MONEYZ 2, LOL! PLZ SEND KAI THNX BAI.

How To Get Your Free, GNR-Sanctioned Dr Pepper

Direct from the Dr’s mouth, here are the official instructions on how to obtain your free twenty ouncer once Chinese Democracy hits the streets (provided it actually does hit the streets):

1. On the Nov. 23, 2008 release date, go to www.drpepper.com.

2. Register your information to receive a coupon for one free 20-oz. Dr Pepper.

3. When your coupon arrives, redeem it wherever Dr Pepper is sold.

4. Drink your Dr Pepper slowly to experience all 23 flavors. Dr’s orders.

Coupons will be available for 24 hours, starting at 12:01 a.m. Eastern Time on Nov. 23, 2008. Allow 4-6 weeks for coupon to arrive. Coupons will expire on Feb. 28, 2009. Limit one coupon per person. Full terms and conditions available at www.drpepper.com.

Personally, I think it’s kind of bullshitty that the coupons will only be available for twenty-four hours. I mean, there’s a pretty good chance drpepper.com will be completely crippled by the number of thirsty Americans logging on that day. We’re on the verge of a goddamn depression. Everyone wants free everything. Dr P better have enough bandwidth or else I’m suing.

And why the hell do the coupons expire so friggin’ early? What if I want to cash in my free Dr P when I really need it – in the middle of July? Dr Pepper, you’re kind of being an asshole about this. If you don’t knock it off, I’m going to switch primary health care physicians to Dr. Thunder.

Chinese Democracy Is (Allegedly) Upon Us

The first single from Chinese Democracy was released today, but I don’t necessarily take that as a sign the long-awaited album will actually hit Best Buy shelves next month. There’s plenty of time between now and November 23rd for Axl to cancel the whole thing with one wave of his freckled forearm.

I can already envision Blackwater-esque armed guards raiding Best Buys across the country minutes before the clock strikes 11/23, acting on strict orders from William Bailey himself to round up every copy of Chi Dem and send the bulk to the same Arizona landfill that houses all the unsold E.T. Atari cartridges from the 1980s. It would be a dick movie, sure, but at least Axl’s sanity would momentarily be in check and Dr Pepper would save God knows how many gallons of their delightful sugary pop.

But I digress. The newest GNR single is the title track from CD, which you can hear here (complete with an annoying female voice sexily saying, “Music on demand!” to discourage you from bootlegging this shit and throwing it on YouTube!). It’s a barely different version from the one included in the infamous June 2008 Nine Song GNR Leak (which I reviewed here). I stand by my original opinion. “Chinese Democracy” is nothing special. It’s certainly not the door-smasher Axl needs to get the world revved up about his fourteen years-in-the-making project. He probably should have lead off with something completely fresh – i.e. a tune that wasn’t part of the aforementioned leak, like “Sorry” or “Prostitute.”

Of course, who am I to be giving Axl Rose armchair advice? He’s the botoxed, cornrowed genius who fired Slash and replaced him with Buckethead. I’m just some schmoe in Brooklyn who’s never had the balls to even once combine a kilt with a Charles Manson t-shirt.

I mean, this is a perfectly acceptable album cover following a decade plus of musical shenanigans:

No way does that look like the cover to a Blues Traveler b-side. You’re on target, Axl. Stay the course and all will be forgiven. You know I’ll be linin’ up at midnight for this shit, wrapped in a couple extra sweaters in case the riots get too out of hand. Chinese Democracy starts now, bitch tits! It’s gonna make the Super Bowl look like the Pro Bowl (oh, SNAP)!

What’s The World’s Largest Garden Gnome Going To Be For Halloween This Year?

A witch:

I saw this bastard over the weekend during an upstate jaunt I have officially dubbed “High Five (JG2 Rocks The Catskills).” Perched on the side of Route 209 in front of Kelder’s Farm in Kerhonkson, NY, the WLGG draws wary tourists in with his friendly face and pointy, presumably buckled shoes. Of course, this time of year, Das Gnome is all gussied up for Halloween. I think the group of bats affixed to his hat really accentuate the true witchiness of the entire ensemble. He’s a regular Margaret Hamilton over there!

Here’s a nice perspective shot (click to embiggen):

The happiness on my face is genuine. I defy you to visit the World’s Largest Garden Gnome and not feel all warm and gooey inside.

Also on this trip to the Borscht Belt, I met a randy young goat who was not the least bit camera shy…

…got lost in a corn maze (during which all I could think about was this)…

…saw some amazing foliage…

…watched my friend drink soda out of a Mets glass in a fancy restaurant…

…drank soda out of a glass with a Frank Viola baseball card taped to it after demanding the fancy restaurant serve my beverage in a glass bearing the likeness of Keith Hernandez…

…looked like a typical Brooklyn hipster while chilling in a fancy bed and breakfast…

…and discussed the faults of the American voting system over a bountiful feast at a rest stop Arby’s. I have no photos of this magical event because I didn’t want to get roast beef grease all over the camera lens.

Other Catskill happenings not captured on film: the box of cigars my friend John found deep within the corn maze; the amazing Belgian waffles/omelets/cookies/everything served at the bed and breakfast; the 1950s-themed eatery boasting a sign that read “ELVIS PARKING ONLY – Violators Will Be All Shook Up”; the seemingly miserable teenage scarecrow greeting traffic near the entrance to the corn maze (who later told us he was pulling down around fifty bucks a day and was “way into metal”); the splinter I got on the hayride up to the corn maze that prompted the following exchange between myself and some impossibly loud Asian child…

ME: Ow. I got a splinter
ILAC: DON’T WORRY. THAT’LL COME OUT.
ME: Do I have to pay you for that medical advice?
ILAC: NO.

…and the totally bad-ass horse riding my party did on steeds with names like Neo, Comache, and Savannah. Surprisingly, my horse did not buck me off while we crossed the mighty Tanglewood River, nor did he take a massive and unthinking shit all over the brand new Italian loafers I wasn’t wearing. Thanks so much, Horsey Doo.

All in all, it was a great way to kill two and a half days. I give the Catskills four stars. JG2 sez checkitout.