Just Another Breezy, Banal Effort From A Band Of Beatle-Aspiring Beatniks

So says I regarding the new Outrageous Cherry record. Read the full review here. My apologies to Twizzlers.

Unsolicited Smart People Haiku Review

Unpleasant teach and
bitchy nurse practitioner
bone; also, “Wings” guy.

Millionaire Losing Job

It’s official – the lousy economy is affecting everyone. According to this interview with CNN, “Simpsons” creator Matt Groening and his long-running “Life In Hell” comic strip are being dropped from the LA Weekly after next week because the California alternative “can’t afford to pay.” This has caused Groening to consider ending “Hell,” despite the fact the strip currently runs in a load of other papers.

So many questions are raised here. How much was the LA Weekly paying Matt for “Life In Hell?” Enough that he’s already considering giving up the strip? What about all the other papers the thing runs in? Are they paying him? What’s the cost of markers these days? Can’t Matt Groening, who ostensibly makes enough money from “The Simpsons” and “Futurama” to live in a mansion twice as ostentatious at the one MC Hammer used to own, just do “Life In Hell” for the fans or for the fun of it? Why is he concerned about bank? Is he concerned about bank? Is this just a show of solidarity for all the other Weekly cartoonists losing their jobs?

Matt Groening, gimme some goddamn answers. Stop being so coy already, you Evergreen graduatin’, scruffy beard-havin’, animation creatin’ four-eyed American treasure.

Hey, Remember That Album Sammy Hagar Put Out Last November?

Surprise! It sucked. If that makes you a frowny emoticon, maybe the following image will cheer you up:

Talk about a clash of the titans. And check out keyboard guy. Nice wetsuit, Hoss.

Crazy Ass Dream: Ernest Plays Ball

In the vision that besieged me last night, Jim Varney (he of Ernest fame) had a secret past as an ace major league pitcher under the name “McGregor” for the Oakland A’s. This was revealed to me by none other than Tony LaRussa during a private moment in the A’s dugout (I was there to see the baseball jersey that held the Guinness World Record for longest name on the back). For some reason, it was entrusted to me to tell Jim Varney’s long-lost son, who was actually the kid from “Two And A Half Men.”

I get to “Two And A Half Men” kid’s house and briefly talk to him through my car window on his front lawn. It turns out he’s my second cousin, which in turn means I’m somehow related to Jim Varney. We never did figure out why Ernest kept his pitching history secret nor why he chose the pseudonym “McGregor.” It should be noted that in this version of reality, Jim Varney’s coke-related death is a closely guarded secret.

It should also be noted this entire sequence was preceded by a segment where I was trapped in a pool house with Arnold Schwarzenegger (in Terminator garb) as he fended off various evil doers and bad guys.

Socks Clinton: 1989-2009

Socks Clinton, the black and white American Shorthair who occupied the White House during the most skirt-chasin’-est Administration since that of Calvin Coolidge, died yesterday after a prolonged battle with throat cancer. He was 19 in human years.

Socks was by all accounts a good kitty. He always ate his num nums and never went poo poo on the rug. Buddy, the late chocolate lab Bill Clinton adopted in 1997 in a futile attempt to distract the nation from the amount of sloppy blowjobs he was getting in the Oval Office, once remarked about Socks, “Despite his stereotypical asshole cat behavior, I can’t help but like the son of a bitch”

The ultimate testament to the ubiquitous popularity of Socks Clinton is the fact he starred in his own video game, 1993’s completed-but-never-released Socks The Cat Rocks The Hill for Super Nintendo. To anyone’s knowledge, this is the only instance of a White House pet appearing in its own 16 bit side scroller (although it should be noted Amy Carter’s cat, Misty Malarky Ying Yang, did have her own psychic friends network in the late ’80s).

After leaving the White House in 2001, Socks lived a quiet and peaceful existence with former Clinton secretary Bettie Curie and her husband in Hollywood, Maryland. Friends close to the cat say he often spoke of mounting a comeback, but would generally be distracted by a piece of yarn or flashlight beam before any serious planning could be done.

Upon learning of his furry friend’s demise, Bill Clinton joked, “I can’t wait to be reunited with Socks the next time I order sesame chicken at Mr. Fung’s Choy Palace.” The former president then slapped his knee and laughed uproariously for ten to fifteen minutes.

No one had Socks Clinton in the death pool. That’s because he was a fucking cat.

The Cornuzine Interviews: Evan Farmer

This was one of the more high-profile interviews I conducted for Cornuzine in the sense that Evan Farmer’s biggest role (at the time and to date) was that of Young Number Two in the third Austin Powers movie, which had been out for less than a month when I contacted him. I don’t know if that meant Cornuzine’s stature was growing (ha) or if Evan just wasn’t considered a very important part of the Mike Myers promotion machine. I guess when you play half the characters in your own movie, there’s no need for any of the other actors to do a lot of press.

At any rate, I thought Evan was great in Goldmember, just as I thought he was great in the MTV boy band spoof “2Gether” and as host of TLC’s redecorating bonanza “While You Were Out” from 2003 to 2006. Ev’s got plenty going on these days, including being a dad, building planes, flying planes, launching production enterprises, doing tons of charity stuff, and still being cable TV’s dreamiest handyman hunk. If you don’t believe me, check out his website.

Evan was a super friendly guy when I talked to him, putting up with idiotic questions few celebrities should have to endure. I hereby dub him the coolest reality show host I’ve ever interviewed.

EVAN FARMER MIGHT DIE THIS SUMMER

JAMES GREENE, JR: You play Young Number Two in the latest Austin Powers movie. Is that your voice we’re hearing, or did Robert Wagner overdub your lines? If that’s you, you do a damn good Robert Wagner.

EVAN FARMER: That’s me, and thank you!

JG2: How did you land the new Austin Powers? Did you just try out, or did you have an in?

EF: I actually went over to meet with casting about another character they thought I might be right for (the young Dr. Evil, I think) and as soon as I walked in they were like, “There’s our Rob Lowe!” The next day, they had me meet with Jay Roach and that was it. I studied both Rob Lowe’s and Robert Wagner’s Number Two-isms from the previous two movies the night before, and apparently that sealed it.

JG2: There’s a track on your new solo album, the name of which escapes me, entitled “I Think I Might Die This Summer.” That’s a bit macabre, don’t you think? Do you actually fear for your life this summer?

EF: Yes, and yes! The story behind that song is that last September I was preparing to shoot Return to Sleepaway Camp in Upstate New York (for which I wrote the song) when the whole 9/11 thing happened and the shoot was essentially indefinitely canceled. Since I was putting together an album of mostly stuff I had written over the years, I just threw it in. As far as fearing for my life, I live with the knowledge of death always on my mind. It sounds pretty sick, I know, but knowing we’re only here for a finite period of time reminds me to live bigger in each moment.

JG2: Return To Sleepaway Camp? Would that be the fourth one in the series?

EF: Technically it’s only the second “official” sequel, though three have been attempted since – at least as I understand it. In any event, this is the sequel that has been written and is being done by the original writer/director.

JG2: Word up. According to various wire reports, you were born in Ethiopia. What up with that?

EF: I guess you could say I’m African-American. I was also born in a Fiat garage which most people don’t know. Simple story – I’m a military baby.

JG2: So who’s your favorite member of N’Sync? I like Joey because he’s totally sweet.

EF: Yeah, I have to agree with you on that one, I suppose. He’s pretty damn sweet. I still like Marky Mark though. Wait, is he in N’SYNC?

JG2: No, you’re thinking of Marky Ramone. Evan Farmer, did you lose your shirt on this whole Worldcom fiasco?

EF: Shirt, no…pants, thong, and knee-highs? Well, let’s just say nothing’s silk anymore.

JG2: Describe the strangest celebrity encounter you’ve had.

EF: I think Pink might have grabbed my ass once, but it could have been one of the guys in 2gether. We were taking a picture.

JG2: Damn! Does Evan Farmer have a favorite Mexican entrée? If so, what is it?

EF: I tend to favor the black bean in any of its incarnations.

JG2: Evan, you’ve been on the MTV. Is it true what Dire Straits once sang? You get your money for nothin’ and your chicks for free? If not, please explain.

EF: Money for nothing – I can agree with. Anybody who says chicks are for free is either not interested in chicks or is selling you something. There’s always a price, and I’m not talking money! I love women, and more importantly I respect them enough to know that you have to be willing to sacrifice for them. Enough said.

JG2: Finally, uh, what do you think of Evan Dando?

EF: Lemonheads…right on! I’m a big fan. Haven’t seen them in concert though – yet.

JG2: Who do you think is nuttier, Dando or Axl?

EF: Axl – are you kidding?

JG2: Yes.

- Cornuzine.com, 8/11/02

The Gray Pig Of Whorish Greed & Attention

My biggest hope for summer 2009 is that “The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien” proves to be such a ratings and critical blockbuster that it renders Jay Leno’s planned 10 PM NBC comedy venture utterly useless. Honestly, I don’t care if I’m living at the YMCA with twelve kinds of herpes come July, so long as Conan’s “Tonight” just steamrolls The Chin and whatever bankability he has left. I want to see a more sensational murder than O.J. (coincidentally, O.J. jokes still make up 75% of Leno’s act).

What a dick move by NBC to give Leno the hour ahead of Conan. It’s like they’re saying right to his freckled face, “Yeah, we have no confidence in you. We’ll give you the off season to flounder about on your own. Then Chinny McGhee’s comin’ in to save your pale fanny.” It’s also an insult to the “Tonight Show” brand. They’re basically saying Leno is bigger than Carson, Allen, or any of the guys who came before him. Man, if I were Conan, I would have told NBC to shove “Tonight” up Howie Mandel’s ass. ‘Course, if I were Conan, I would have never let Andy Richter, Pimpbot 5000, or the Gaseous Wiener ride off into the late night sunset.

Conan’s been handling this very public insult with grace. He obviously can’t be happy about it, but so far all he’s said is he wasn’t expecting a “Monday through Friday thing with Jay” and that the deal did make him wonder if he was “still going to be getting the ‘Tonight Show’” that he used to watch as a kid. You know he’s gotta be spending most of his nights in a depressed lump, wishing Leno would just have a massive, debilitating heart attack already. That’s what makes the following clip so hilarious – it’s Norm MacDonald last week on one of Conan’s final “Late Nights,” marveling at Leno’s unbelievable prime time coup:

You can tell Conan’s laughter is a total release, complete catharsis. Thank you, Norm.

As for Leno, I guess he did outfox O’Brien. What I don’t understand is why. Why pull such a dick move? Leno had “Tonight” for sixteen years, the majority of which he spent ahead of his old adversary Letterman in the ratings. What more can Jay do? What “unfinished business” remains? Is he just trying to show Conan who’s boss? Does he need that extra dump truck full of money? Jay Leno, what’s your damage?

Conan, I hope your version of “Tonight” slaughters the Gray Pig Of Whorish Greed & Attention. I hope you have more defining moments in your first week on the air than Jay had during his entire sixteen year run (speaking of which, can you even think of one Leno-era “Tonight Show” moment that was the talk of the nation the day after it aired? What, the post-blowjob Hugh Grant interview? Yeah, that’s it). Kill it, Conan. I’m pulling so hard for you, brother, you don’t even know.

Side note: it will be interesting to see what Letterman does in the next year. How will he respond to this seismic shift at his former employer? He can’t stay on the air forever. I predict a big surprise at CBS sometime in ‘09.

Jimmy & The Chocolate Factory He Did Not Actually Enter

Pennsylvania truly is a land of wonder. In addition to a weather-predicting rodent named Phil and a village named Intercourse, the Keystone State also boasts the world’s largest chocolate factory. I speak, naturally, of Hershey, PA, the census-designated place in Derry Township where so many of America’s favorite treats are made.

Yeah, you read that right. Unlike Intercourse, Hershey is not an actual town in Pennsylvania. It’s just the name of an area in some other town where a bunch of chocolate-related shit happens. Another myth destroyed. Sorry, folks. Look at the bright side – you’ll always have Intercourse (not to mention Glenn Campbell and Eighty Four, PA).

As you may have guessed by now, I visited the magical area of Hershey this past weekend with my Valentine. It was pretty fly. We didn’t do a factory tour, because you apparently cannot tour the real factory. Instead, candy-hungry tourists are directed to a separate complex called Chocolate World where they can ride an incredible simulation of a factory tour. We did that, and it was just as awesome as any third rate Disney attraction.

Chocolate World is also home to a 3-D movie theater, some kind of fancy chocolate tasting room, and a big-ass pavilion offering every kind of Hershey product under the sun. This area is occasionally interrupted by a parade of dancing candy mascots accompanied by young adult trumpet players in ill-fitting cow costumes. It’s quite a performance (especially when they bust out “Sweet Caroline”; kids just love Neil Diamond).

The best part of Hershey’s tourist compound, however, is the trolley tour that takes you all through Derry Township and shows off the historical buildings. SEE the house Milton Hershey grew up in! MARVEL at the school he built for orphans! FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE when the tour guide remarks to a young lady that her mouth was made for puckering! Seriously though, it was a neat trolley ride. I really enjoyed getting away from all the rugrats and dancing candy bars.

Did I mention all the street lamps in Hershey are fashioned to look like Hershey’s Kisses? Noticed that on the way in. I would have taken pictures, but the weather was yutzy and I was driving and I didn’t want to get into a accident like when I drove into that snow bank last December in upstate New York. That was a real doozy. 911 couldn’t locate me on their electronic map, and I’m pretty sure I was near a real town. I can’t even imagine how hard it is to get an ambulance in a made-up place like Chocolateville, Pennsylvania.

One last thing I’ll say about Hershey: their chocolate really does taste better in Pennsylvania. I noticed this when I went camping in Bangor, PA, last summer. It’s fresher, softer, and sweeter than anywhere else in the world. Thus, I no longer think David Letterman queer for demanding his Hershey’s be shipped directly from Derry Township. I’m with ya on this one, Dave!

It’s LeVar Burton’s Birthday!

52 years young. Way to live, Burt. In honor of this auspicious occasion, I’d like to present a link to this 2005 Wired article in which LeVar is outed as one of those awful “don’t you know who I am?” types. Here’s the juice in case you’re too lazy to click:

“The [Apple store] associate, who also asked to remain anonymous, said he made the mistake of asking Burton for some ID when the actor was making a big credit card purchase. The associate said he recognized Burton, but wanted to reassure him he was doing a thorough job of checking credentials.

Burton ‘began shouting at me to ask anyone in the store who he was, all the while telling me that he left his ID in the car and he didn’t want to have to go get it,’ the associate said. ‘I finally caved in, only because I could see a vein pulsating in his forehead and I didn’t want to be the one responsible for causing the blind dude from Star Trek to have a stroke.’”

Classic. Other highlights from “Stars Take A Shine To Apple”: Jerry O’Connell’s inability to grasp the concept of Wi-Fi, Keifer Sutherland’s inability to stop thanking sales associates, and “SNL” alum Kevin Nealon receiving high praise as “the most genial celeb who comes in on a consistent basis.” It’s nice to know some people are still living in a world where Kevin Nealon counts as a celebrity.

AW SHIT!! KVN NEALN JUST GOT PWND!!!!1

J/K, Kev. You know I loves me some Nealon!