Here I am with Michael Keaton’s car from Batman Returns (or one of ‘em, anyway). It currently resides at the Tallahassee Automobile & Collectibles Museum, right next to Val Kilmer’s car from Batman Forever and directly in front of the fun cycle Adam West and Burt Ward used to tool around on in the ’60s. A fun place to visit, especially on Valentine’s Day. The place was empty. Guess most couples don’t find vintage Jeeps romantic.
P.S. Tallahassee is a cool town but if you have Mountain Dew dreams prepare yourself for their Mello Yello reality.
[Gratuitous Picture of Delta Burke Thursday]
Keep your eye on Orlando Weekly’s blog section, for I am now a daily contributor. It’s only been a week and already I’ve managed to work cape buffalo into a story. Cape buffalo, I say. Your draconian rules of alt weekly-ing mean nothing to me. You can’t tame this fire.
Related: I am now living in Orlando. Hey, I’m as shocked as you are.
But I digress. For a (more or less) complete history of my freelance writing career dating all the way back to that wild and wooly year of 2005, scroll down to the JG2 OFF-WORLD menu on the right hand side of this page. If any of the links direct you to some nonsense that isn’t stuff I’ve written, I apologize. I can’t configure every known website to best benefit me.
The Association For Recorded Sound Collections has nominated my Misfits book This Music Leaves Stains for a 2014 ARSCy Award (that’s what they’re called, right?) for “Excellence in Historical Recorded Sound Research.” Apparently there’s a subcategory to that, like “Rock” or “Pop” or whatevz, but said classification hasn’t been announced yet (nor has a complete list of nominees).
What can I say? Turns out all our favorite celebrities weren’t lying—it actually is an honor just to be nominated. I’m plenty happy with that. Thank you, ARSC, appreciate it.
ARSCy Winners are announced in or by September…plenty of time to shop for a gown to wear to the fabulous awards gala. Gonna put Beyoncé to shame, gonna make her wish she was never born.
SASHA FIERCE MORE LIKE SASHA FART WATCH OUT LOSER
Another lean year, but hey, it was the first. I had no idea what was going on. Nobody did. It was 2008! Justin Bieber hadn’t even been invented yet!
Restricted Words, Phrases, & Names During Meal Time
Crazy-Ass Dream: Curly Audition
Unsolicited Review of The Nine Leaked Guns N’ Roses Songs
Corey Feldman Has Issues (With Michael Jackson)
Fake George McFly Speaks!
Unsolicited Dark Knight Review
Steak & Ale: 1966-2008
Four Very Useless Photoshops
“I Want Him To Sound Like Truman Capote.”
Crazy-Ass Dream: Nirvana Kiddie Concert
Memorable Customers I Encountered During My 2 Year Stint At Taco Bell
Indiana Jones & The Oh Man, They Taste Like Old Cocoa Puffs
Sarah Palin Shoots Chewbacca’s Father Just To Watch Him Die
Uncensored Pictures Of Hot Steamy Greasers
Halloween ’92: Epic Fail
Commenting Upon Various Time Magazine Covers
“Speak Of This Not.”
It’s real and it’s in Tampa and it’s spectacular. Couldn’ta knocked it over if I was Lou Ferrigno. Maybe coulda knocked it over if I was Lou Ferrigno in a bulldozer. Not that I really wanted to—this pin is an American treasure.
Plenty of stone cold classics here. If you get bored then you just ain’t readin’ this stuff right.
An Open Letter To Kathy The Hungry Business Lady
Casting The Live Action “Futurama” Movie That Will Inevitably Be Made
Episode I Story Conference
New Haven, CT: Birthplace Of The Hamburger?
The Curse Of The 9:30 “TGIF” Time Slot
What The Fuck Is So Random About Kelsey Grammer?
Sabbath Gaudy Sabbath
A Glossary Of Terms My Friends & I Used In Middle School
Six Deaths That Altered The Course Of “Simpsons” History
A Conversation With The Upper Crust’s Lord Bendover
Blanket’s Dad Buys The Farm
Jacko’s Wacko Grape-Throwing On Captain EO Set
More On The Richard Nixon / Robocop Summit
Fifteen Years On, Woodstock ’94 Still Something That Definitely Happened
Ten Embarrassing Incidents Involving Baseball Mascots
Rambo 5 Just Got Way Better
Unsolicited Th’ Inbred Review
Q: Did Black Flag Reunite With A Robot Playing Bass?
Recent Trends Indicate Juggalos Stronger, More Resilient Than Economy
Clark Kent Majored In Sucking
Seven Ridiculous-Ass Sequels Hollywood Almost Foisted Upon Us
Stuff White People Like To Complain About
Would You Pay $130 For Career Advice From Andy Richter?
Haikus About Ex-Girlfriends
Examining Kid Rock’s Common Sense Ideas
Is Gonzo A Hipster?
In Memoriam 2009
The Best Bad Movies Of The Decade
A: Just one, but one to which I’ve already committed in a mental and (ahem) spiritual sense: as comprehensive a history I can muster of a certain ’80s comedy franchise based around positron colliders, ectoplasm, and tricked out Cadillac ambulances.
I can’t tell you how long this will take to write or when in Zuul’s name it might come out, but I can tell you I’d like to cover it all (even Ecto-Cooler) and that I won’t rest until the whole thing is twice as good as my last book.
Of course, this idea will be 86′d should Curtis Armstrong hire me to ghostwrite his autobiography, Two Sevens Beats A Frush: My Life As Booger Dawson, so stay tuned.
In the meantime, let’s continue the debate over who should play Slimer’s son in that third movie they keep threatening to make. I’m leaning toward Artie Lange, but a case for Jonah Hill could be made.
If you click but one link below, make sure it’s the Andrew Koenig story. Gets my vote for best thing ever to appear on this ramshackle e-circus.
Headlines For The Soundgarden Reunion
Carry On, You Bass-Smashing Drum God
Tobey Maguire: “I Did Steroids.”
JG2′s Bucket List
Boy Wonder To Bow Out, Spelling End To Dynamic Duo
Unsolicited Spring Break Review
Rock Critic Mark Prindle: The JG2Land Interview
On The Subject On John Hinckley, Jr.
Spring Break On The Planet Of The Apes
Darth Vader Searches For Luke Skywalker On Chatroulette
An Open Letter To Ed Helms And Jason Sudeikis
A Sad Gumby Would Be Almost Unbearable To Look At
Arrested In Time: The Life & Death Of Andrew Koenig
The Curse Of Turbo Man
Requiem For Bif
We’re All Gonna Get Laid: A Look Back At Caddyshack
I Don’t Know Who Aunt Barbara Is…
Ten Real-Life Batman Villains
Unsolicited Baseball: The Tenth Inning Review