Stuff White People Like To Complain About

1. Weezer – White people immediately latched on to the rock band Weezer when they first appeared on the scene in the mid-nineties with a winning combination of fuzzy grunge pop, kitschy 1970s references, and an endearing “aw shucks” underdog persona. As with most rock groups, though, it has proven difficult for Weezer to maintain a consistent level of quality over the years; for reasons that remain unclear, white people have taken this as a personal affront from the band. Every time Weezer has released a new album in the past ten years, it has been almost instantly rejected by Caucasians who claim the band “gave up” after their initial success and resent their “laziness” and “lack of creativity.”

Weezer circa 1994. Their introverted, goofy image struck a chord with millions of white people who wished the cast from Revenge of the Nerds would form a band.

One possible theory for this strange cycle suggests that white people hastily pegged Weezer’s lead singer Rivers Cuomo as the logical successor to Kurt Cobain’s songwriting legacy (the first Weezer album was released just a month after the latter’s suicide), applying Cobain’s beliefs and ideals to Cuomo. Thus, white people feel betrayed that Cuomo and Weezer have not “stayed true to their roots,” engaging in various “soulless corporate rock” shenanigans like filming videos with Muppets and collaborating with Kenny G. While other races might view most of Weezer’s antics as merely silly or a good-natured display of humor, white people have been known to insist the band is purposely not being serious in order to irritate their own fan base (which is the entirety of white people).

For more thoughts on the current state of Weezer and their relation to white people, click here.

2. “30 Rock” – Debuting in 2006, “30 Rock” is a half hour sitcom that is quickly becoming the television equivalent of Weezer in white society. The comedy follows the exploits of a head writer for a weekly variety show; created by and starring Tina Fey, the program is based on Fey’s own experiences working on “Saturday Night Live.” Such meta humor is immensely popular with white people, who time and again have embraced programs with the quirky general feel of “30 Rock” (see “The Simpsons,” “Sports Night,” anything involving Gary Shandling). The cast of the show is also stacked with actors white people have been proven to adore: Alec Baldwin (who remains beloved despite his reputation for berating children), Tracy Morgan, the fat weirdo from that Dave Matthews Band video, and Fey herself.

While “30 Rock” has remained consistently popular amongst television critics over its four seasons and has won several major awards, white people have been complaining about its decrease in quality since season two. Specifically, they seem incredulous that such a “smart” and “witty” show would “lower itself” to participate in network television stunts. Examples include the cross promotion of former NBC employee Jerry Seinfeld’s Bee Movie in season two or the alleged “stunt casting” of major movie stars like Salma Hayek and Steve Martin in season three.

The cast of “30 Rock.” Unlike “The Office,” another NBC sitcom white people like to complain about, “30 Rock” is not adapted from anything British.

Recently, “30 Rock” complaining has revved up considerably, as a number of white people who are actually also television critics have openly expressed their beliefs that the show is in “dangerous decline.” Apparently “30 Rock” is no longer “one of the funniest” shows in history but merely a “B minus” program in a current state of “malaise.” While a B minus is still an acceptable and desired grade in many parts of the world, in the realm of white television it is akin to a D plus.

Despite all the complaining, it is clear white people hold a reverence for “30 Rock,” as evidenced by the following dramatic quote (courtesy of Nathan Rabin, noted white person and TV critic):

“I’d almost rather not write about ‘30 Rock’ than write negative reviews.”

3. Late Night Comedy – Late night comedy – that is, televised comedy that generally occurs after 11 P.M. on weeknights – has long been a topic white people relish complaining about. This is interesting because approximately 95% of the programs that have made up late night comedy in the past four decades have been practically interchangeable. Generally, the format is as follows: a white comedian (or “host”) spends an hour chatting with an ugly musician while simultaneously entertaining visits from celebrity guests and engaging in absurd bits of visual humor.

Yet there appear to be many subtle and unseen layers to the bevy of late night comedy programs white people have argued about over the years. For instance, most white people will tell you that “Tonight Show” host Johnny Carson was the best late night comedian because he was “classy” and “sharp” while “The Chevy Chase Show’s” Chevy Chase was the worst because he was “awkward” and “depressing,” despite the fact both of these men wore similar suits, sat behind the same basic kind of desk, and more or less sported the same haircut.

Arsenio Hall, one of the few late night comedians in history who was not white. His show, “The Arsenio Hall Show,” was popular for a few years in the early nineties thanks to the host’s extremely long fingers and his ability to make ordinary people bark on command.

Similarly, white people love to converse about the “broad humor” of “Tonight Show” host Jay Leno versus the “sarcastic quips” of “Late Night” host David Letterman; to the outside observer, however, the only difference between these two men are how they light their studios. One should of course never suggest this to a white person in the heat of a Leno/Letterman discussion, as they take late night comedy preferences very seriously and have been known to attack when provoked. It is widely believed that former President Bill Clinton murdered his friend Vince Foster after Foster called Letterman an “East Coast elitist with no connection to the American people.”

4. The Weather – Actually, everybody likes to complain about the weather, regardless of race.

“Can you people believe this fuckin’ shit?”

5. Lines At The Bank – Uh, don’t get me started.

Some Bullstuff I Wrote About Van Halen

Includes artist’s rendering of me cradling a broken-hearted Michael Anthony as David Lee Roth flips us both off. Read and see here.

Meanwhile, Weezer Continues To Pile On The Stupid

Their latest transgression – inviting soft jazz king Kenny G to “rock out” with them during an appearance on “AOL Sessions”:

I have to give the Weezers credit for not breaking character the minute Ken tore into that first flurry of waiting room pablum. A lesser man (me) surely would have doubled over in hysterics/pain/hysterical pain.

By the way, what the hell does Rivers say right after Kenny G’s first sax break? “I won’t ache the goomba?” Sheesh. Everything’s gotta be a thing with this guy.

Oh, and guys, Alien Ant Farm called – they want their track suits back. YA BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRN-DAH!

E-Mail The Chuck Biscuits Death Hoaxer

Two independent sources have suggested to me off record who the mastermind of the Great Chuck Biscuits Death Hoax of 2009 just might be; since I’m not in a theorizin’ mood this morning (and most of you probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you anyway), I’ll just give you the still entirely valid and working e-mail addresses of the “Chuck” that was contacting me and encourage you to drop him/her a line:

biscuitschuck@hotmail.com and res1odpp@verizon.net

Maybe write something along the lines of, “Hey, what you did was really messed up. You upset a lot of people. What gives, hoaxer?” and see if they reply. Who knows? You might be the person they finally decide to fess up to!

In other news, Glenn Danzig is still crazy short.

Chuck Biscuits Is Alive

And it seems it was all just a cruel, cruel hoax: legendary hard rock drummer Chuck Biscuits, whom this blog eulogized Tuesday after receiving a death notice that allegedly came from his wife, is apparently still among the living.

“I just wanted to let you know that Chuck [Biscuits] is alive and as well as can be expected,” said Bob Montgomery, Chuck’s brother, in an e-mail sent to the author earlier today. “I drove to his home in Seattle [from Canada] to confirm that fact.”

Suspicions rose almost immediately after heavy metal website Blabbermouth.net picked up the news of Chuck’s death from this blog yesterday and made it viral, as Bob and at least one of Chuck’s former band mates had heard nothing of the former Danzig drummer’s passing. After a brief e-mail exchange with JG2Land, Bob Montgomery decided to physically visit his brother to find out the truth once and for all.

“The only reason I put any stock in the Internet rumours was because [James Greene, Jr.] used Chucks wife’s name [in private e-mails],” Bob wrote after his visit to Chuck’s house. “Otherwise, I would have filed it under the African ruler looking for money to enlarge his penis file. I am really curious as to who’s been sending [him] this info.”

In May of 2009, JG2Land received an e-mail that ostensibly came from Chuck Biscuits, who appeared to be using an e-mail address that bore his wife’s real name. The message, which was a response to an article JG2 had authored for Crawdaddy.com entitled “An Open Letter To Chuck Biscuits,” found “Chuck” announcing that he was “awake and rotting twice to the gut in the land of flanneled, tree-huggin’ bunny-fuckers.” The drummer also offered himself up for an interview.

Subsequent communication with this apparently false Chuck Biscuits revealed that he was afflicted with throat cancer and could no longer speak. In July, a message signed with the initials of Chuck’s wife was sent that announced the founding D.O.A. member was in the hospital, his condition deemed “inoperable and terminal according to his care givers” and that “alternative therapies” were being explored. Communication dried up until October 26, when an e-mail was sent announcing that Chuck had passed two days earlier:

“In response to the inquires, thank you for all the support. Chuck did not survive his battle with throat cancer. He passed surrounded by his family on 10/24/09.”

It is currently unknown who exactly is responsible for perpetrating this hoax, nor what their motivations were.

In response to the avalanche of criticism, comments, and questions JG2Land is now currently receiving thanks to this debacle, I wish to state the following: it stings bitterly to know that my communication with Chuck Biscuits, a talent I have long admired, and his wife was all a scam. After all the highs and lows I felt on this six month journey, to have it end like this is just sickening.

I never had any reason to distrust the people in question. No serious flags were raised. Who would pretend to be a dying hard rock drummer for a half a year? There was no monetary gain, and I have no journalistic stature. There seemed to be no angle for this, other than to hurt and embarrass me (mission accomplished). Thus, I took these people at their word.

When I received the e-mail about Chuck’s passing, it hit me in the gut. I was reeling. I decided to write a succinct but heartfelt blog announcing the news Tuesday and that would be the end of it. The news would get around and the world could mourn the loss of the best hard rock drummer of the 1980s. That this could all be some insane prank was the furthest thing from my mind.

I can understand why some people would want to try to ruin my reputation or make me look like a complete asshole lacking journalistic integrity, but I cannot fathom why anyone would want to trick thousands of Chuck’s fans into a false state of grief. That is the real crime here. Reading some of those early comments about fans’ memories of Chuck is especially heart-breaking now. Were these people laughing at those memories? Because I was fighting back tears.

Shame on the party responsible for this. You hurt too many good and innocent people, including Chuck’s close friends/family.

Although I flunked out of the journalism program at the University of Central Florida, I know the rules and I follow them. I fact-check to the best of my ability. I never falsify quotes unless I’m writing an obvious parody or joke. I do thorough research and I try to protect my sources because I don’t entirely believe in this burgeoning “show us everything you got” style of Gen Y reporting. If I had any reason to believe the “Chuck Biscuits” I was talking to was full of shit, I would have put him through the wringer.

That said, I think it’s rather telling that Bob Montgomery couldn’t comment on the state of his own brother without driving several hours to see him in the flesh. The real Chuck Biscuits fell off grid a decade ago, and he’s clearly worked a bit to have things stay that way. I’m not knocking that at all. I’m just saying…I couldn’t verify anything about the real Chuck Biscuits a year ago when I began research for a retrospective piece about his career (which eventually morphed into the much shorter and tongue-in-cheek “Open Letter” piece). One person mailed me back. It took a fake death story to get anyone to confirm that he lived in Seattle.

I’m sorry I unknowingly spread this horrible lie. I apologize to the world, Chuck’s family, Chuck’s friends, and especially Chuck.

P.S. – Concerning Chuck’s contributions to Tougher Than Leather – again, researched to best of my ability, and if you’re familiar with the album and Chuck’s playing style, there’s no reason to seriously question it. Of course it could be a lie, but it could also be 100% true.

Gore Vidal Just Dropped So Many Amazing Quotes My Head Exploded

In this interview with The Atlantic. To wit:

“[Obama] should say to the country, ‘The Republicans will not allow these things to come to a vote without a filibuster. We can’t get anything through. So, good luck. Take two aspirin – and you’ll all die of the next epidemic.’”

“It’s nothing.” (commenting on Ted Kennedy’s legacy)

“When [Bill Clinton] claimed, ‘I didn’t have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky,’ he was totally accurate. He was talking Southern. In the South, sex is when you put it in and pump away and there’s a danger of a baby. That’s ’sexual relations.’ Anything else is what we called in school ‘messing around.’ And all Southern boys messed around.”

“[John F. Kennedy] was a good friend—witty, sharp, and very smart. I would rather be with him than practically anybody now alive. But what did he do for us in a thousand days? He invades Cuba, fucks up, and brings the world close to a nuclear collision over the so-called missiles down there in Cuba. Deplorable.”

“Well, [Errol Flynn] was clean-limbed. You couldn’t find a single hair on those legs of his.”

“You don’t think I wanted to write “Ben-Hur,” do you? I was stuck.” (on needing money)

“I don’t believe in the Great Man theory of history. Great men come along very seldom – and when they do, it’s pretty bloody. But, as Chancellor Bismarck once observed, God looks after alcoholics, little children, and the United States of America.”

Of course, this interview will probably go down in history for Gore’s comments regarding the Roman Polanksi case – specifically, literally claiming he doesn’t give a fuck and calling the victim a “young hooker.” Yeesh. You can get away with saying that kind of shit when you’re ninety-gajillion years old.

An Open Letter To Richard Heene

Dear Rapscallion,

So there I was, mere moments away from setting my homemade submarine adrift in the Colorado River. I had my iPhone in hand, with a 9 and a 1 already punched in. The cat was safely stashed away at the home of a fellow Taco Johns employee – I had literally nothing to worry about as I prepared to shove the tiny vessel that had cost me $17,000 (welding lessons included) away from the shore line. My plan to send the media on the wildest of proverbial goose chases while simultanously smearing my delicious yolk all over America’s gullible, swine-like face was almost complete.

Then, for some reason, before I kicked my creation off and dialed in that last 1 to frantically explain that my little Woogums was potentially trapped in an air-tight vessel headed straight for the most dangerous stretch of rapids in Kremmling County, I decided to eat a bran muffin from the glove box of my 1971 Dodge Dart. As I sat in the driver’s seat and scarfed down my less-than-appetizing snack, I scanned CNN.com to see what was going on in the world. What headline should greet me in a matter of seconds?

“SIX YEAR OLD TRAPPED IN RUNAWAY HOT AIR BALLOON.”

I almost choked to death on my incredibly dry muffin. The audacity! For the next twelve hours, I sat in my beloved Dart and watched the whole thing unfold. I couldn’t believe my eyes. When had you been in my house? When had you seen my elaborate blueprints? They boasted a littany of ideas, including some sort of helium-based dirigible, very much like the one Wolf Blitzer was currently drooling over.

I was flabbergasted. Clearly my Brinks home security system had failed me for the last time. And to use a child, Mr. Heene, a real human child, rather than a cat! Well sir, that was unprecedented.

I applaud your ingenuity, sir, but I scorn your face just the same. I am now remarkably in debt with absolutely nothing to show for it. There is no way my wife is coming back to me now. You are a foul trickster and I shall determine how you breached my inner sanctum if it’s the last thing I do. May you rot in the self-imposed prison of reality television you seek to dominate.

Yours in pain and humiliation,

J. Greene II

This Is Serious Horror Business

Hey, you should read this article I wrote in defense of the Misfits’ Famous Monsters. Snippet: “Famous Monsters may never ascend to the lofty heights of the band’s initial Danzig-helmed material, but…it occupies its own acre of provincial awesome in a town where most people fear to tread (read: Post-Reagan horror punk).” Yes, this is a companion piece to the defense of American Psycho I wrote last year.

Thirsty for more Misfits-related scriblings? Click here to read about my unimpressive visit to the band’s original stomping grounds of Lodi, NJ. You could also take a look at a somewhat controversial piece I wrote about the night Danzig got his clock cleaned. Also, who could forget the amazing JG2Land blog post concerning five “classic” Misfits songs I could completely live without? I’m tellin’ ya, you can’t go wrong with any a’ these bastards!

Now remember, all you motherfuckers better speak to the devil, or else Danzig’s gonna make another techno album.

Spooky JG2Land Reruns

Well, here it is October 13th, and I can barely muster up the thinnest sliver of enthusiasm for Halloween. Is it that I’m getting older? Is that Halloween has been totally co-opted by the “any excuse to get as drunk as possible” crowd? Is it this diarrhea economy, stressing me out to the point I can’t even enjoy America’s greatest candy-related tradition? Probably a combination of all three. Plus, how could I possibly top last year’s costume?

I was DMC, the all-time great! I bust(ed) the most rhymes in New York state (not to mention most of New Jersey and Connecticut!).

To try and get myself (and you) in the mood for that most ghoulish of days, here’s a handful of extra-spooky JG2Land reruns. Can your eyes, hearts, and spleens withstand the terror of…

…the wretched Grim Reaper costume I assembled as a grumpy adolescent?

…my equally half-assed pumpkin carving skills?

…the field trip I took to bewitching Salem, Mass?

…pictures of the world’s largest garden gnome dressed as a witch?

…an interview with a former Murder Junkie?

…an interview with a former Samhain drummer?

…a review of a horror movie that came out eighty years ago?

Are you scared yet? Bleh, bleh, BLEH! That’s the noise that Dracula makes (when he’s climaxing).

Seven Ridiculous-Ass Sequels Hollywood Almost Foisted Upon Us

or “I Have Fully Accepted The Fact That List-Based Journalism Is More Popular Than God.”

You know how the old saying goes – once you stumble upon a good idea, beat it to death as thoroughly as you can so people will want to forget you ever had it in the first place. That’s more or less the logic Hollywood uses when it comes to sequels. Even the craziest mutation of an original idea with fly so long as it has the chance to make money (see Son Of The Mask, Alien vs. Predator, Psychos II through IV, and the unspeakable horror that was 3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain – what a terrible note for Victor Wong to go out on).

Every once in a while, though, something goes wrong within the unsightly bowels of the machine and we don’t get the pure cinematic insanity originally planned. Here now, seven examples of wild and dubious sequels that, for one reason or another, never saw the light of day.

Prepare yourself, my friends, for the utterly bizarre, the painfully mind-boggling, and powerful mental images of Black Beetlejuice and He-Man throwing Hail Mary passes to Jerry Rice.

Jaws 3, People 0

“The shark should be a depressed teenager living in Illinois.”

The producers of the first two Jaws movies, realizing there were only so many ways you could do Man vs. Shark before it went stale, decided film number three should be a wacky Airplane!-style parody. Thus, National Lampoon writers Matty Simmons, John Hughes (pictured above), and Todd Carroll were tapped to help produce and write a comedy centered around the struggles involved in making a killer fish movie (namely, the shark attacking the director repeatedly). Richard Dreyfuss agreed to do the send-up, as did a then relatively unknown Bo Derek. They didn’t bother asking Roy Scheider to come back – at the time, he had said something like, “Mephistopheles himself couldn’t get me to do another Jaws movie.” What a spoil sport, huh?

After spending a couple million in pre-production on Jaws 3, People 0, Universal Pictures was stopped in their tracks by original Jaws director Stephen Spielberg. Steve was highly offended by the shark-constantly-attacks-incapable-director angle of this new installment and threatened to never work for Universal again if they went through with it. Being the smart cookies they were, Universal scrapped the spoof idea and moved Jaws 3 to Sea World, making it 3-D as well. Despite the best efforts of Dennis Quaid, Lou Gosset, and Lea Thompson, Jaws 3-D turned out to be one of the biggest turds of 1983 and a far cry from the terrifying first chapter.

Fun fact: a role was written for Mickey Rooney in Jaws 3-D, but he turned out to not be available. Just think about that for a minute: Mickey Rooney in a Jaws movie. Obviously he’d just corner the shark and talk to it about the tragedy of his poor friend Judy Garland. That probably would have been scarier than the final product.

Masters of the Universe 2

“Dude, where’s Orko? This is such bullshit.”

In the proposed sequel to 1987’s most expensive Dolph Lundgren-based toy commercial, ripped alien warrior He-Man would have returned to Earth from his home planet of Eternia and found fame as a pro quarterback. I guess that means Skeletor would have been secretly coaching an opposing team stocked with mutant players? Never mind that plot line is just Flash Gordon in reverse – who wouldn’t have wanted to see Beast Man take down a few offensive linemen? And think of the cameos they could have had! William Perry, Jim Brown…all those big ass-kicker pigskin legends.

We’ll never know how He-Man’s Sexy Football Adventure would have went, because Masters Of The Universe didn’t become the smash hit Cannon Films needed to bankroll a second chapter. Personally, I blame the lack of staple characters such as Orko and Battlecat. How could they leave those essential fuckers out? What kind of paint was director Gary Goddard huffing? Look, I love Billy Barty as much as the next guy, but that Gwildor thing he played was painful. And that nitwit zombie with the pompadour chasing He-Man around on behalf of Skeletor – what was that thing? Was that a Little Richard homage?

Now, the bigger kick in the pants for Cannon Films was the fact that the failure of Masters Of The Universe sealed the coffin on the big budget Spider-Man film they had in the works. Their brilliant plan for ‘87 was A) make He-Man movie; B) make Superman IV: The Quest For Peace; C) use avalanche of profits from He-Man and Superman to make He-Man 2 and Spider-Man. Inexplicably, Superman IV made even less money than Dolph Lundgren’s Interstellar Sword Fight Party Machine, leaving Cannon Films lookin’ like a buncha bitch-ass marks and sending Spider-Man right down the drain.

A new He-Man movie is apparently in development, which saddens me as I never thought the original Masters Of The Universe was that bad. Once you accept the fact that you’ve got no Orko or Battlecat or Mer-Man or Man-E-Faces, it’s easy to get caught up in Frank Langella’s vengeful destruction of Whittier, California. That guy gave a tits performance. Worth the price of admission.

Back To The Future 4: Back To The Beginning

Marty recognizes his mother as the actress from Jaws 3-D.

Throughout the mid to late ’90s, rumors were constantly circulating that Universal was trying to cobble together some kind of coherent idea for a fourth run-through of everyone’s favorite time traveling car franchise. This was confirmed when an anonymous writer for Dreamworks contacted BTTF.com in September of 1997 and recounted his discovery of a script in Spielberg’s Amblin Entertainment vault entitled Back To The Beginning, which turned out to be a prequel to the original Future. Sorry, all you Mary Steenburgen fans – Clara Clayton just didn’t prove popular enough to carry over to a new film.

Allegedly this Back To The Beginning script started out with an eleven year old Marty McFly befriending a homeless lady he meets on his way to school. In true ’80s sitcom fashion, the homeless lady unexpectedly dies, leading a grief-stricken Marty to talk things over with his newfound pal Doc Brown and express a heartfelt desire to change things that have already happened in his life (I guess he forgot to give this starving vagrant a steak one night or something). This, in turn, inspires Doc to finish work on his old Flux Capacitor idea he’s had kickin’ around his head since 1955.

Considering the fact Doc doesn’t actually finish his time machine until Marty’s in high school (see movie #1), I guess this means there wouldn’t have been a whole lot of actual time travel in Back To The Beginning. Sounds pretty dubious. Of course, it should be noted this fourth Future flick was in serious talks around 1993, back when Universal was absolutely desperate for a hit. Lucky for them, Jurassic Park came out later that year and made them boatloads of moolah. Lucky for us, that put Back To The Beginning back in the darkest reaches of the file cabinet.

Interesting side note: in this anonymous scribe’s 1997 note to BTTF.com, he mentioned another unbelievable script he came across in Amblin’s vault – Indiana Jones & The Space Men From Mars. “We never got a chance to look at that one,” he wrote. Ominous words now, huh?

Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian/Beetlejuice In The Hood

Beetlejuice discusses his proposed sequel ideas with a clearly distressed Marlon Wayans.

1990 saw Beetlejuice director Tim Burton quite taken with the idea of tossing his titular character into a tropical setting. The basic story was as follows: the ghost-plagued Deetz family moves to Hawaii and hi-jinks ensue. Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian was of high interest to Burton; he even got Michael Keaton and Winona Ryder to sign on for this fish-out-of-water-and-presumably-in-wacky-swim-trunks follow-up. Unfortunately, Little Timmy B got distracted by Batman Returns and B-juice’s pineapple-laced adventure was shelved (a few years later, Kevin Smith was offered the chance to rewrite Beetlejuice Goes Hawaiian; he politely declined).

BUT THAT’S NOT THE ONLY totally insane Beetlejuice sequel we nearly had to endure. In 2003, the suits were considering a script wherein the Ghost With The Most meets an “urban” version of himself and the two spend ninety minutes comically terrorizing a major metropolitan area. It goes without saying that Black Beetlejuice (my title, not theirs) would have been the event of the new millennium. Why this particular project did not get past early development stages is a mystery to me, although I’m willing to guess liberal white guilt had something to do with it.

I swear to God, I also once heard Warner Brothers wanted to turn Beetlejuice into a Bob Hope-type character, putting him in a string of movies like Beetlejuice Joins The Foreign Legion and Beetlejuice Goes To Russia. I readily admit, however, that this snippet of info could entirely be a figment of my imagination.

Jurassic Park IV

“Dude, we’re gettin’ too old for this shit.”

As of 2009, Jurassic Park IV has been openly tagged as “a long shot” by producer/Spielberg buddy Frank Marshall, but at the start of this decade it was pretty close to happening. The same team that made Jurassic Park III signed on for a Spielberg-produced #4 circa 2002, and nearly everyone from the original cast – Sam Neil, Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, even Sir Richard Attenborough – was rumored to be coming back one last time. Alas, the expected script problems ground everything to a halt.

At least one draft followed a Rambo-esque mercenary who infiltrates the original Jurassic Park to recover the shaving cream can full of DNA Dennis Nedry had in the first film; this eventually leads our hero to the Swiss Alps, where rogue scientists are cross-breeding human soldiers and dinosaurs to create intelligent reptilian man-beasts for the sole purpose of killing drug dealers and rescuing kidnapped children. Just for the sake of posterity, the individual names of the half-man/half-dino drug-busting squad were Achilles, Hector, Perseus, Orestes, and Spartacus. Kinda like the Ninja Turtles, only dumber!

Jurassic Park IV could still theoretically happen, although it doesn’t seem any visual could live up to what I’ve just imagined these Greek-named dino mutants looking like. I’m thinking like Gremlins, only larger and without ears and all ripped. Spooky!

I know what you’re thinking, and I’m thinking the same exact thing: Spielberg nixed Jaws 3, People 0, but was willing to make a flick with mutant dinosaur people shooting drug dealers? That’s a weird place to draw the line, buddy. Then again, this is the same director who subjected us to Hook.

Batman Triumphant

Oh, the humanity.

Before 1997’s Batman & Robin proved to be almost as big a flop as Waterworld, nefarious director Joel Schumacher and his evil cronies were hatching plans for a fifth Caped Crusader flick tentatively titled Batman Triumphant. George Clooney and Chris O’Donnell would have returned as the Painfully Non-Dynamic Duo. The main villain was set to be Scarecrow, but in a move that screamed stunt casting/”hey, remember how good these movies used to be?”, Dr. Jonathan Crane would have used his famous fear toxins to bring Jack Nicholson’s Joker back from the dead (yes, Nicholson was down with this silliness).

If you think that’s nutty, they were also going to introduce Harley Quinn as the Joker’s daughter. Doesn’t make much sense considering all the comic books and TV shows that set Quinn up as a potential Joker love interest. Once again, Schumacher would have helmed this Bat-mess; thankfully, B&R died a violent death at the box office, simultaneously killing the careers of Alicia Silverstone and Chris O’Donnell while throwing Uma Thurman’s on life support until Kill Bill. Warner Brothers quickly wrestled control of Bruce Wayne away from Joel Schumacher’s meaty paws and the world was once again safe from Bat-nipples.

Superman Lives

This guy was seriously going to cast JASON LEE as Brainiac.

The infamous Kevin Smith/Tim Burton debacle everyone was recently reminded of thanks to this probably phony picture. Smith covered the whole story pretty well on one of his DVDs (see footage here), but what isn’t as well-publicized is the plot/casting of Superman Reborn. The story Kevin put together for his Supes movie found Brainiac sending intergalactic baddie Doomsday to kill Superman while simultaneously blocking out the Earth’s sun a la Mr. Burns (because, you know, Superman gets his powers from our yellow ball of incandescent gas). There was also some kind of Kryptonian robot in there called the Eradicator, which no “Kids In The Hall” fan could ever take seriously.

As far as casting, Smith wanted to keep it in the family: Ben Affleck as Clark Kent/S-Man (okay), Linda Fiorentino as Lois Lane (sure), Jason Lee as Brainiac (what?), and Jason “Snootchie Bootchie” Mewes as Jimmy Olsen (okay, I just threw up in my mouth). Kev also thought it would be cool to get Jack Nicholson to play Lex Luthor and “Frasier” star David Hyde Pierce as the Eradicator. Sounds a little wonky. Tim Burton signed on to direct and that all changed, but not really for the better. Nic Cage notoriously replaced Affleck as Superman while Burton’s folk went after Tim Allen for Brainiac (“Hey Wilson, I’m a robot!”) and Courteney Cox for Lois. Chris Rock was apparently set to play Jimmy Olsen.

The big rumor about Superman Lives was the alleged Batman cameo Michael Keaton was approached to film. That seemed like the only real high note of this entire project. Filming was supposed to start in early 1998 with glorious Pittsburg substituting for Metropolis; sadly, script disagreements reared their ugly head, escalating the budget and eventually killing things. When Superman Lives was put on hold by the WB, Tim Burton said, “Fuck this, I’m out!” and left to make Sleepy Hollow. Mankind is left to wonder just how surly a Nic Cage Superman performance would have been (and how many times Chris Rock’s Jimmy Olsen would have brought up J-Lo’s ass).