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Everybody Has Lost A Father

I have seen the best minds of my generation destroyed by investment in late night talk shows. There’s gotta be a prescription medicine I can take to stop caring about this stuff before my own pretty alright mind completes its inevitable transition to clam chowder.

At any rate, Colbert’s a genius, he commits, he’ll give us plenty hilarity in Dave’s chair before fatigue sets in (and it will, it always does). For some reason when I heard the news today the above clip from “Strangers With Candy” was the first thing that came to mind. Classic.

Q: Where Are You Right Now RE: Star Wars 7 Excitement?

A: Same place where I am with Ghostbusters 3. It’s possible Star Wars 7 will crush it Rocky Balboa-style…and yet I accept there’s a chance we’re looking down the barrel of Phantom Menace 2: This Pod Is Still So Wizard. Who knows? It’s a crapshoot. Disney’s gonna churn out a few more Star Warses either way, because those two words are a license to print money. Thus, if J.J. Abrams decides to give Chewbacca a pair of very prominent nipples we’re gonna hafta live with it for six or seven years.

Things I Thought Oculus Rift Might Be Before Yesterday

- a surfboard company

- a Sharper Image type of place for Hobbit fans

- a character from Demolition Man

I’m still not sure what Facebook will do with virtual reality helmets, but it’s not like they spent my two billion dollars.

An Annotated History Of Never Realized Book Projects (2002-10)

This Music Leaves Stains is the first book I’ve had published but it is far from the first book I’ve tried to get published, or thought about trying to get published. Here now, an annotated history of never realized JG2 works.

Untitled Dead Kennedys Biography (2002) – Stalled during the research period thanks to several factors (college course load, punk rock politics, my debilitating lack of experience). I covered the nuts and bolts of this failure for Crawdaddy! in a feature called “Give Me Convenience, Give Me Death, Just Tell Me Your Real Damn Name.” The most interesting aspect may be that I put a letter in the mail addressed “East Bay Ray, San Francisco” and it actually reached the correct guy. Your tax dollars at work.

Star Wars Ruined My Life (2005) – Ten chapter essay collection covering the weirder aspects of Star Wars fandom, including my own struggles with George Lucas’s intergalactic money printing machine (#firstworldproblems). Hired a literary agent but no publisher on Earth was interested. I didn’t have a “built-in audience,” which meant my blog statistics were not impressive enough to warrant anything. This era was the beginning of “co-opt every popular thing from the Internet to stave print’s death!” I’m sure my medium talent was also an issue (I know the manuscript lacked punch/direction). I absolutely cannot remember why but for some reason I e-mailed Jay Mohr about this book; he sent a very encouraging reply peppered with some of his theories on Boba Fett, which justified my struggle.

Untitled Oral History Of My Middle School Experience (2005) – An interesting twist on the adolescent memoir (I think): interview a bunch of people I grew up with to see how their worldview around that time differed from mine, turning the whole thing into an oral history with several narrative tracks. My lit agent loved this idea and really ramped me up about it, but then Star Wars Ruined My Life didn’t go anywhere. Representation cut me loose and without a cheerleader I cooled on the concept. Compiled about a chapter and a half, though, and several people I hadn’t spoken to since 1994 taught me a lot about where we grew up and life in general.

Untitled Field Guide To Discontinued Soft Drinks (2007-08) – New Coke, Pepsi AM, OK, DnL…I thought the world needed a comprehensive encyclopedia of every soda that’s ever fallen off the figurative/literal map. Unfortunately, the stories behind these drinks are all more or less the same (they failed because they were bad and nobody bought them), and when it came down to pitching this book few people understood what exactly what I was talking about. “Oh, like a coffee table book with pictures of the sodas?” No, a field guide. Like for birds. Maybe this idea is terminally flawed.

Untitled “Gong Show” Episode Guide (2006) – An excuse to track down average weirdos and hear about their experiences on the greatest televised competition of all-time. I think I concluded too many former “Gong Show” contestants/employees would be dead, and I also worried about the book’s marketability. Chuck Barris was hot in ’06, but how long would that last?

Untitled “Simpsons” History (2009) – At the time a lot of rumors were swirling about “The Simpsons” finally coming to an end. That didn’t happen, but I abandoned this idea mainly because I heard Morgan Spurlock was making a “Simpsons” documentary. Had I known his end product would be some gimmicky forty-five minute nonsense instead of the in-depth feature length “Simpsons” doc we deserve maybe I wouldn’t have jumped ship.

My Life Is A Screenplay! (2010) – The high school teacher who semi-successfully sued 20th Century Fox for plagiarizing his Christmas comedy script read my post about Jingle All The Way being a cursed property and e-mailed me with an offer to co-write a book about his life. I had just started work on This Music Leaves Stains so I had to turn him down. There also didn’t seem to be much else in his life aside from “I sued a movie studio and won but then they took the money back.” Also, that title. Woof.

Naturally I reserve the right to resurrect any of these properties at a future juncture. You never know when Chuck Barris might be hot again.

Unsolicited Hyper-Local Post-Grunge Radio Stunt Memory

“Playing a song on loop is a common publicity stunt to mark a radio station’s format change,” SFGate assures its readers, many of whom might fear Latino Mix 105.7′s decision to go non-stop Nelly is actually some sort of Trilateralist/Illuminati signal aimed at Zeta Reticuli/the Lizard People to let them know the time for full global invasion/permanent McRib reintroduction is nigh. I’m taking that over the more depressing “some of our readers might be too young to have any kind of understanding of terrestrial radio practices.” Oh, you young people and your companions! I vex you!

When I was a high schooler in Central Florida this alt rock station popped up called 93.1 (the) KRO (have always assumed they were trying to snag some of that dark heat from Brandon Lee’s Crow). KRO announced their arrival with twenty-four (plus?) hours of Pizzicato Five’s “Twiggy Twiggy,” a.k.a. that “out there” Japanese song Beavis & Butt-head ripped into on an episode of their show. You remember. Beavis & Butt-head cracked a lot of jokes about the one guy in the video looking like Chip from “My Three Sons.” Is any of this even registering as English to you dumb kids?

KRO did several other Twig-a-thons before turning country in 2000, to ring in the New Year or Halloween or an event of real significance like Larry the Cable Guy’s birthday. I remember my friends and I being all a-titter a week in advance of one of these broadcasts. “Twiggy Twiggy” was considered by many at that time to be one of the most annoying aural properties ever created, and I think we reveled in the fact that it would be inescapable to a certain extent. Of course, anything is annoying after twenty-four hours, even Larry the Cable Guy (I know, heresy).

Hats off to the fearless broadcasters who keep this practice alive. I could barely commit to anything past eight minutes when I was a college radio deejay. I think I faded Black Flag’s “Process of Weeding Out” halfway through every time I put it on.

You kids have to know Black Flag. I’ve seen you Photopasting with the logo on the e-mails! THE E-MAILS!

YOU DAMN KIDS, GET OUT OF MY ROCK GARDEN!

Q: You’re An Only Child? What’s That Like?

A: Frustrating, because I can’t live out the sitcom trope of invading the life of my very successful brother/sister in some city previously foreign to me (Scottsdale? Wichita?). There are no nephews or nieces to indoctrinate with my wild, carefree ways. Don’t worry, kids, your goldfish will love this root beer I’m about to pour in his bowl.

It’s not the same when you do this kinda thing with your friends. They’re not blood, so they can just throw you out in the street when they’ve had enough of your shit. Sorry, dude, I didn’t think little Billy would be able to hear me singing selections from the DMX catalog in the shower on Christmas morning. In my defense, the walls in this place are like paper.

Q: Where’s The Rant About The Latest Talk Show Turnovers?

A: I’m a little embarrassed by my previous investment in the Late Night Wars™. Part of that involves my favorite guys not fulfilling whatever weird prophecies I envisioned. More of it has to do with talk show fatigue. The format has become so devalued, and yet at the same time remains so oppressive. Anyone can get a talk show, but anyone who tries to de or reconstruct what we believe a talk show should be (Jeselnik, Kamau Bell) ends up with a pink slip. In that sense, Jimmy Fallon is the perfect choice to host “The Tonight Show.” He’s never been trouble.

To paraphrase Howard Cosell, Jimmy Fallon rhapsodizes about everything, I’m sure he’ll have a fine career.

Seth Meyers on “Late Night” I have a harder time understanding. Did that guy really spend fourteen years on “Saturday Night Live” with the end goal of hosting a twelve-thirty weeknight show? Granted, it’s a spot that once belonged to Letterman and Conan, but neither of those guys did any one job for fourteen years before “Late Night.” That is to say, Letterman and Conan were not defined by anything before their “Late Night” stints. Does NBC really think a guy who spent fourteen years on “Saturday Night Live” is the right kind of person to be hosting “Late Night?” Jimmy Fallon was only on “SNL” for six! Fourteen years is even longer than Tim Meadows’ oft-joked about stint. I guess NBC’s impressed by Seth’s loyalty.

Personally, I’d love to see Tim Meadows host “Late Night.” “Late Night w/ Tim Meadows” is definitely some shit I’d watch. Shout out to all my Lionel Osbourne fans (Lionel Osbourne is a talk show character Tim Meadows used to play in ancient times, long before any of us were ever born).

…Or His Puppy Might Die?

Seems like Blabbermouth could have gone with a less desperate-looking screenshot for this story. Kirk looks like he’s trapped in one of those Sarah Mclachlan commercials, or like he’s being forced to watch one.

Related: that scene in Some Kind of Monster where Kirk rails against the concept of a Metallica album without guitar solos, beginning his screed with a statement to the effect of “Can I just say something I think is bullshit?” Just tried locating a clip of that, to no avail, using the search terms “kirk hammett bullshit monster” and “some kind of bullshit guitar solo.”

Did Radio Shack Slam Aykroyd In Super Bowl Ad?

We (American consumers) all had a good chuckle last week when Radio Shack’s Super Bowl spot aired. Oh, was it ever amusing to see ALF, Dee Snider, and cheap facsimiles of other ’80s pop culture titans attempting to “take back” “their” electronics store as Loverboy’s hit of hits “Working For The Weekend” pumped in the background. In the week that has followed, however, certain dark corners of the Internet (read: Ghostbusters message boards I frequent) have been buzzing that Radio Shack’s cute little advert includes a veiled jab at Dan Aykroyd.

A few ghostheads out there have interpreted the end of the commercial, wherein Slimer flies through the wall of the new Radio Shack only to be told he’s arrived “too late,” as a shot at Aykroyd and his years-long insistence that a Ghostbusters 3 will be made. It’s “too late,” they say, for that third and ostensibly final entry. Too much time has passed. No one will accept AARP Venkman and Spengler and even less people will accept this “new generation” of busters Ayk is insisting are in the GB3 script. So hit the bricks, Slimer. You’re done. Float away to the 1980s mascot retirement home. Spuds MacKenzie and the California Raisins are waiting for you.

There’s a feeling of reverence for the decades old figures in this ad, and based on that I don’t think Radio Shack would purposely single one out just for sly ridicule. On the other hand, Slimer is a computer graphic; unlike Hulk Hogan, they can say some messed up shit to his globby-ass face without fear of physical retribution. Also, generally speaking there’s some favoritism at play within the spot. We get Ponch from “CHiPs” not John, horror movie icon Jason but not Freddy, eternal barfly Cliff Clavin but not Norm. In that light I’m surprised they used Sgt. Slaughter to compliment Hogan.

I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possibility that Radio Shack took a swipe at the Ghostbusters franchise, but if you’re trying to zero in on the most washed up and/or least profitable property featured…well, look, they put Kid ‘n Play in there, and I think a Ghostbusters 3 of any stripe would make more money than another House Party or Class Act. I’d be willing to bet my reserve supply of Ecto Cooler on that. No disrespect to Kid or Play, of course. I love House Party, but more kids dress up like Ray Stanz every year for Halloween than Chris Reid.

Things I had to fact check for this post: if Loverboy was one word or two, if the “Working” in “Working For The Weekend” was spelled “Workin’,” the proper spelling of Spuds MacKenzie, the proper spelling of “CHiPs,” where to put the apostrophe in Kid ‘n Play.

Unsolicited Thoughts/Notes On GD’s Dookie Twenty Years Later

- the Green Day albums prior to Dookie are good but you listen to them and think, “Man, these guys need a budget”; this is that rare breed of punk (hyper melodic) that’s actually hindered by rawer sonic ethics

- the middle of “Burnout” rips off the middle of “Pictures of Lily” by the Who, but “Burnout” is faster, so…all forgiven?

- speaking of the Who, that rah rah ending of “Chump,” the bit that crashes into “Longview”…why were any of us surprised when Green Day became an arena band and started writing rock operas?

- the Green Day backlash (which occurred, what, between 1995-97?) was so intense I still feel residual guilt for ever owning an original cassette copy of this album (which is dumb, because you should just like what you like and love what you love and I’ve since owned far more dubious musical ventures, including a good portion of Leonard Nimoy’s discography)

- I’ve heard “Welcome to Paradise” so many times throughout my life (both voluntarily and involuntarily) that it no longer registers as anything except a sound that is occurring in the vicinity of my ears

- part of me wishes the entire album had the twangy tone of “Pulling Teeth” (seems a little richer)

- part of me wishes the only segment of “Basket Case” they had released was Billie’s vocal track

- people who accuse this album of being (too) juvenile have obviously never heard anything by the Queers or Screeching Weasel

- Dookie producer Rob Cavallo has worked on everything Green Day has done since 1994, including soundtrack stuff and live albums; that kind of job security is rare these days

- Dookie producer Rob Cavallo also worked on Kid Rock’s Rock n’ Roll Jesus, which makes me want to smash a fucking carp right into his face

- Dookie is fun and will always be the Rosetta Stone that made me decide to further investigate this punk rock stuff, but it stopped being my favorite Green Day album the second Insomniac dropped in ’96; they just sound like a stronger band on Insomniac, playing tighter, louder songs with way more frenzy and better melody…I don’t understand why people tend to dismiss that one sight out of hand (or w/e that nonsensical phrase is)

- the hidden song here is the aural equivalent of looking at Pauly Shore

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