A: Getting hit by a car, not so much because it might kill me but more because it might wound me, inflicting barely detectable head trauma that will leave my friends to say, “You know, he just hasn’t been the same since ‘the accident.’” Falling off a cliff, because of similar noggin concerns but also because of gravel and gravity and perturbed scorpions/cliff snakes. Accidentally committing a major faux pas in a foreign country and never being forgiven for it. Seeing Bigfoot or a UFO and never knowing if my friends actually believe my accounts or if they’re merely humoring me in person and writing me off as a lunatic behind closed doors. Accidentally inhaling mustard gas.
Click this link to read an interview Retroist did with me where I blather on endlessly about the Misfits…
…click this link to literally hear me blather on endlessly about the Misfits on the “New Books In Pop Music” podcast.
Either way you’ll get a good dose of me rhapsodizing about Static Age and debating how “real” Danzig “keeps it.” Who knows, maybe one of these interviews will convince you to finally buy my book (fourteen bucks, cheap!).
This is a fun game you get to play with your friends from high school when you hit your thirties. The way you play is you sit around a table, someone throws out a name from your collective teenage years, and you all take turns talking about the last time you saw said person (it doesn’t have to be a guy, just so we’re clear). Some of the better answers I’ve heard playing this game lately:
…he was working at Barnie’s at the mall and we had a brief discussion about the nationality of Zwan’s bass player
…he was sitting a row ahead of me at Scary Movie 2 and he had an enormous Riddle Box tattoo on his leg
…I didn’t actually see him; he called me soliciting a Russian ponzi scheme
…she was working as a Gwen Stefani impersonator at one of the major theme parks
…he had mutton chops that were black as night and he was standing outside the Checkers on Woodland Boulevard
…she was working as the receptionist at Jive Records
…her kid was having a meltdown in Blockbuster over a Gameboy Advance game; she looked at me like she had seven different types of cancer
…she was a financial correspondent on a cable news network, which is an impressive jump for a ballerina of her stature
…he was dumpster diving across the street from the Polluted Youth show; he saw me and ran away
- had some killer nachos at the Rusty Taco
- had some killer Chicago-style hot dogs at the Wienery
- had a killer duck patty breakfast sandwich at the Bachelor Farmer
- recoiled in horror when the cashier at Moods of Norway (a clothes shop where Andre 3000 prob buys all his threads) told me she was born in 1995
- once again failed to visit all seven hat stores in one go at Mall of America
- utilized my skills as an exorcist when the haunted cash register at Extreme Noise tried to charge me $97 for a few used CDs and an Adolescents t-shirt
- took a day trip to Stockholm, WI and had the best pie of my life at the Stockholm Pie Company; many a “Stockholm Syndrome” joke was made
- cursed the cartographer at Lakewood Cemetery after getting hella lost trying to follow their “map” (this is a common problem w/ cemeteries, which is why all graves should be alphabetized)
- walked by “Riverside Towers,” the apartment building Mary Tyler Moore retreated to when she wasn’t being forced to rub elbows with Ted Baxter (pictured above)
- savored my allergies not bothering me once
- savored the hospitality of my friends John, Karen, and Jennifer (thanks for not dragging me fishing, John!)
I’d like to end these posts about JG2′s Succulent Midwestern Adventure 2013 Edish by saying while I previously ribbed the Minnesota State Fair for thumping its “largest thing in the U.S.” title so hard the fact remains that fair really is flippin’ enormous and you should rest up good if you ever plan to hit it. Use your theme park settings. Agoraphobes need not apply.
A: Six months into every relationship I hand my girlfriend the following list of gender neutral proposed baby monikers. She is encouraged to circle (with a pencil) the ones she finds least offensive. Potential additions to the list may be submitted ten days later via affidavit.
So far I’ve never been anywhere near the realm of having to whittle my selections down to a single name (this exercise in general is a fantastic pregnancy deterrent) but I imagine a game of dice would resolve any disputes that arise in the hours before birth.
- Serge’s son (Jay Baruchel) joins the police academy to avenge his father’s death at the hands of the Croatian mafia; when he finally graduates after a series of hilarious mishaps, the plucky young cop teams up with the only detective savvy enough to crack Serge Jr’s case—Axl Foley
- having moved to the suburbs years ago, the Judge Reinhold character is living a content life until he discovers his neighbor might be a notorious local pimp/drug kingpin; after a series of hilarious mishaps, Reinhold calls the only detective crazy enough to get involved—Axl Foley
- taking on dual roles, Eddie Murphy plays Axl Foley and Axl’s never before seen twin brother, Ignatius, who is desperate to get a job in mall security despite weighing over four hundred pounds and only speaking in Klingon; after a series of hilarious gastric bypass surgeries (all of which fail), Axl calls the only person sympathetic enough to help his obese brother—Paul Blart
- four words: Axl Foley in space
- six words: Axl Foley in the Amazon rainforest
- four words and a couple numbers: Beverly Hills Cop 4 (InnerSpace 2)
- this new Beck song
- the concept of exploring Back to the Future’s “cultural impact”
- being afflicted by “the sniffles”
- having to pluck my eyebrows so I don’t look like Fyvush Finkel
- Spellcheck not being familiar with “Fyvush Finkel”
- America not being familiar with Fyvush Finkel
- Fyvush Finkel not doing more shit
- an electrical storm causes a Freaky Friday thing where Michael Knight’s brain winds up in K.I.T.T. and vice versa; things aren’t that bad until K.I.T.T. discovers human lust and forces Michael to stalk a teenage girl across several states
- a Hollywood agent overhears Michael and K.I.T.T. bickering; convinced the second voice is coming from some unseen figure in the backseat, the agent immediately signs “The Knight Brothers” and books them on several talk shows; “No, it’s really the car!” becomes America’s hottest catchphrase and the Knights ride high until Al Franken teams up with a VW Bug for his blockbuster return to comedy
- Michael Knight and K.I.T.T. spend two hours discussing the plot holes in Prometheus
- Michael Knight spends two hours getting a perm while K.I.T.T. pranks people at a nearby carwash (i.e. throwing his voice to make it appear as if other cars are talking)
- it’s a crossover with Jaws 5; they put K.I.T.T.’s brain into a shark so he can go in the ocean and try to reason with Jaws (who has returned thanks to the magic of the Leprechaun…so this is also technically a Leprechaun crossover)
- how about just ninety minutes of K.I.T.T. turbo boosting to Ozzy songs?
- the rules of squash
- the rules of racquetball
- when or where exactly Daniel Webster lived
- anything about the Gross National Product
- how to operate a yacht
- how to operate a bow tie
- anything about lacrosse
- how to make eggs benedict
- where to buy a salt lick
- reasonable prices for ascots
- the names of any famous Yale athletes