Things I Can’t Tell You (Despite My Connecticut Heritage)
- the rules of squash
- the rules of racquetball
- when or where exactly Daniel Webster lived
- anything about the Gross National Product
- how to operate a yacht
- how to operate a bow tie
- anything about lacrosse
- how to make eggs benedict
- where to buy a salt lick
- reasonable prices for ascots
- the names of any famous Yale athletes
Ideas For Jurassic Park 4
- the little girl from the first movie returns to Jurassic Park to retrieve the embryos Newman from “Seinfeld” dropped when that dinosaur spit on him; obviously she’s a totally jacked Lara Croft-style tomb raider now, but the one thing she didn’t count on was a handful of super intelligent dinosaurs that evolved into having opposable thumbs
- the little boy from the first movie returns to Jurassic Park except he’s Jack Black and it’s an accident that he goes back there (I don’t know, maybe he falls overboard during one of those classic rock cruises); halfway through the movie he captures a weaker velociraptor and teaches it how to play the drums
- something with Samuel L. Jackson where he’s trapped in a raft with a baby triceratops just so he can say, “I’ve had it with this motherfuckin’ raft and this motherfuckin’ triceratops!”
- El Niño washes a few dinosaurs over to Florida and they make their way to Disney World; they kill a bunch of people queuing up for Captain EO but since no one’s allowed to die on Disney property the world never finds out about it (until Jeff Goldblum shows up ten years later with like the hugest muttonchops you’ve ever seen)
- obviously some kinda thing with a talking dinosaur where the talking dinosaur runs for president and only loses by a slim margin
JG2′s Top Ten Albums & Singles Of 2012 (Annotated Edition)
Non-annotated edition previously published here. I hereby dedicate last year’s year-end musical bloviations to our dearly departed brother Conrad Bain, the kind, gentle, and genteel Canadian who warmed our hearts as Phillip Drummond for eight years on “Diff’rent Strokes.” We’ll probably never know for sure what Willis was talking about but it was always plain as day what his father was talking about: love, patience, understanding, ascots, and sweater vests. Thanks for your caring touch, Conrad. You made Alan Thicke look like a corny little bitch.
JG2′s TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2012
1. Future of the Left – The Plot Against Common Sense
Tart, angular punk platter targeting the banality of Hollywood (“Robocop 4 – Fuck Off Robocop”), confused trustafarians (“Sorry Dad, I Was Late For The Riots”), and the very concept of marketing (“Sheena Is A T-Shirt Salesman”). Occasionally a driving melody shines through all the caffeine-induced snot-balling, making you clench your fists for a different reason.
2. Van Halen – A Different Kind of Truth
Every middle-aged rocker’s fantasy came true this year when Van Halen spit out a new record with David Lee Roth’s glitter-bespecked mitts back on the handlebars. Slight creaks could be forgiven when confronted with the fluid shuffle of “She’s The Woman” and balls-to-the-401k plan rockers like “China Town” and “Bullethead.” Eddie might not know how to manage his life or career or wardrobe anymore but the mah’fucker can still play guitar like nobody’s business. Similarly, Roth remains charming, particularly when he’s tongue-in-cheeking his band’s ultimate legacy (“Stay Frosty”).
3. ICP – The Mighty Death Pop!
ICP aren’t just rapping about graphic circus-themed murders anymore—they’re also concerned about their wives facing sexual harassment at the office Christmas party (no joke; check “The Blasta”). I guess this is growing up? As grown as an album that sounds like it was crafted on a Turbografx 16 can be, anyway. That’s not a diss; The Mighty Death Pop! has a strange texture to its head-bobbing beats that will keep you triple dipping. Check your brain at the door, of course, lest you feel like confronting the philosophical ramifications of Shaggy 2 Dope’s proclamation that his scrotum tastes like grape soda (“Juggalo Juice”).
4. Smoke Mohawk – Viva El Heavy Man
The breezy denim-clad spirit of ’70s rock runs through this Norwegian band like the mighty Miss-ah-sip. Viva has some of the best song titles of the year, including but not limited to “VCR King,” “Pirate Train,” and “Painting Outside The Lines of Perception” (can you taste the bong water?). Nothing less should be expected from the band that anthropomorphized rock n’ roll on its first album and literally reported an assassination attempt on the genre. I know that might be a hard concept to wrap your head around. Trust me, after a few spins of this tasty swirlin’ riffage, you’ll get it.
5. Kreayshawn – Somethin’ ‘Bout Kreay
America’s bitterness over Somethin’ ‘Bout Kreay’s late arrival torpedoed any shot it had at being 2012′s ultimate party record. That’s squarely on you, because Kreayshawn brings the sassy dance ruckus from beginning to end. No female rapper has given less of a fuck in a more adorable way since Missy Elliott. Case in point: Kreay talks to summertime like it’s a person and also wrote an entire song about how awesome pancakes are (“Breakfast”). If this is your average Millennial I’m ready to hand over the keys to the country.
6. Soundgarden – King Animal
Soundgarden remain a lean mean grunge machine on their comeback record, offering up the gratifying hour of down-tuned muscle car rock ’90s bros have been waiting for since Audioslave collapsed. Unlike that Bush era experiment, King Animal is the sound of every gear clicking into place, no grease or gimmicks required. Some have accused Cornell et al of reuniting just for the bread, but this record isn’t lazy enough to support that claim. Sure, maybe King Animal is too on-the-nose in places, but if the worst thing you can say about a Soundgarden record is that it sounds too much like Soundgarden, well, maybe it’s time to just shut your pie hole and listen.
7. The Men – Open Your Heart
In the spirit of minimalism I’m not going to offer any complete sentences for this entry beyond what you’re currently reading. The Mens’ Open Your Heart = immediacy, oven-at-350 warmth, lo-fi charm without lo-fi harm. Flourishes of slide guitar so inviting. Westerberg/Wilco fatigue homages happily evade corniness. Whole record occupies interesting space between the Feelies and the Supersuckers. These guys, they can maintain.
8. Kidz Bop – Kidz Bop 21
As long as albums of yard monsters reworking Top 40 hits are in existence they shall find a place on lists of mine, because the concept’s so bizarre, inane, and fun. I applaud Kidz Bop’s ability to make nonsense like “Party Rock Anthem” even more toothless while simultaneously encouraging children to sing their hearts out like Up With People! never went away. Kidz Bop records don’t need to exist, I don’t know who could possibly listen to them (except folk who champion the uncomfortably odd), but they are empowering to a segment of our population who basically have no rights so for that I say let’s go all the way up to Kidz Bop 375.
9. Die Antwoord – Ten$Ion
This is what the future’s supposed to sound like, at least the future pitched by ham-fisted pieces of insanity like Total Recall and Demolition Man. You can practically hear Schwarzennegger screaming when the pill-grinding beats on Ten$Ion reach critical mass (visions of Arnie’s gaping maw, teeth and all, become especially clear when the drums reverse in “Hey Sexy”). Die Antwoord dismiss the rap game as “one big inbred fuck-fest” (“Fatty Boom Boom”), which I’m sure is how most people view their act, but hey, at least they’re interesting—at least. At most they’re exciting, irreverent, infectious, Kaufman-esque, and worthy of several crotch pumps.
10. Baroness – Yellow & Green
Baroness make up for a long three years since Blue by giving us a double album, and to no surprise it’s like stepping inside a cocoon of warm mossy metal. The production is so full and rich, so spacious. Yellow & Green is the perfect companion piece to frustrated teenage male sexuality and hobbit-based adventures. It’s certainly the most chantable rock album of the year (see “Cocainium”). And the cover is a naked woman with candles on her head threatening to behead a black swan. In the cautious words of Fred Schneider, hel-LO!
JG2′s TOP TEN SINGLES OF 2012
1. Future of the Left, “Sheena Is a T-Shirt Salesman”
A spoonful of sugar helps the unhinged cynicism go down. Is everybody in Wales this much fun?
2. Kreayshawn – “Go Hard (La La La)”
Kreay gives all Forever 21 employees the best life advice: “Don’t be on some ho shit.” The rest of this song makes me, a thirty-four year old white man, want to twerk it. That counts for something.
3. Soundgarden – “Been Away Too Long”
So testicular in its agenda.
4. Die Antwoord – “I Fink U Freaky”
The sweat-soaked sex jam of the year. Extra points for smashing a pair of Beats by Dre in the video. Let us never settle for mediocre headphone technology.
The ruse was over by the time this song dropped: Krispy Kreme was no backwoods ignoramus but a high school valedictorian named Tyler. He could have given up when that secret broke. Instead, he continued undaunted, burying the lede of this John Cena ode in oodles of Yuletide atmosphere.
Just when you thought it was safe to leave the dance floor, Mystikal grabs your ass and throws you back, hollering about his collection of percussion and the greatness of James Brown. Instant A.
7. Smoke Mohawk – “Inspector Holmes”
Just a feel good cruisin’ tune, y’know what I mean? I can throw on my jean jacket and just cruise to this bitch.
8. Fat Joe (ft. Rick Ross & Juicy J) – “Instagram That Hoe”
Don’t act like Fat Joe’s love affair with app-based photography didn’t mirror your own in 2012. This song is the logical follow-up to that rap Andy Milonakis did about Tweeting every single moment of his life. The line between the streets and improv comedy is once again deliciously blurred.
9. Public Enemy – “I Shall Not Be Moved”
Old-ass rappers cop to being old, instantly validate new jamz.
10. Tim Heidecker – “Bob Dylan’s Titanic”
Finally, Robert Zimmerman gets the slow burn from the guy who invented Crimbus. Funnier in concept than in execution maybe but still better than anything Conan O’Brien did all year. Yeah, I said it.
Awesome Ideas For Gremlins 3
- Mr. Wing’s family comes to the States from China to try and kill Gizmo, who now lives with a down-on-his-luck Billy in an affordable housing unit in Brewster, New York; eventually it is revealed that Wing himself has been illegally breeding gremlins for years in various American cities as part of a massive insurance scam
- the brain gremlin, having somehow survived the gremlin holocaust at the end of Gremlins 2, escapes to the Staten Island dump where he begins plotting his next move; unfortunately, local townspeople mistake him for the chupacabra and hire a band of cryptozoologists to try and capture him; the final scene is a parody of King Kong wherein the brain gremlin will climb atop a Rite Aid with an undressed Barbie doll to fight off a cadre of blood-thirsty pigeons
- while on vacation in South Beach Billy accidentally drops Gizmo in the ocean; suddenly the beach is filled with sex-starved mogwai who begin furiously mating as soon as they hit the sand; eventually the president decides to nuke the entire state of Florida
- Judge Reinhold’s character has been secretly hording gremlin DNA since the first movie and attempts to sell what he has to the government; little does he know the gov’t were the ones who originally created gremlins to distract Americans from the botched assassination of Walter Mondale; the final scene reveals Mondale alive and regularly ingesting gremlin hormones in a secret Area 51-type facility so as to attain immortality (it’s also revealed that Ronald Reagan didn’t have alzheimer’s but a deadly disease that slowly turned him into a blood-thirsty pigeon)
- three words: gremlins down under
Unsolicited Thoughts On Serious Puppet Scandal 2012 [UPDATED]
- sixteen is old enough to realize letting a forty year old give it to you might be a bad idea
- sixteen is old enough to realize letting a forty year old give it to you might yield serious cash if he’s in a position of power [UPDATE: and here we are]
- giving it to a sixteen year old doesn’t necessarily interfere with your ability to operate a puppet
- giving it to a sixteen year old is an incredibly poor judgment call, especially when you’re forty and you operate one of the most famous puppets in the world AND you live and work in a city that easily facilitates the gay lifestyle for thousands of functioning adults
- winning over a hundred Daytime Emmys does not give your puppet show the jurisdiction to conduct its own investigation into an employee’s sex abuse case
- our culture loves to sex shame (even when most facts remain blurry)
- Big Bird’s gonna have to pull a double shift this week
Phrases I Have Never Heard My Father Say Part Two
“The fabled Jack Klugman sex tape.”
“I’m freezing my chibangles off.”
“In a word: Garbo.”
“Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”
“In a word: Costner.”
“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.”
RELATED: Part One
Holy Federico Fellini! It’s A Burt Ward Film Primer!
Another Batman summer is winding down, and it doesn’t seem like we heard very much out of Burt Ward. I don’t recall seeing any interviews with him in the Cuyahoga Falls News-Press nor do I remember a panel visit by Burt to “Charlie Rose” or “The Tavis Smiley Show.” Seems like this former TV superhero wants to keep his profile low—and why not? The last time he made headlines his animal shelter was polluting a river in California. That’s more embarrassing than the time the Riddler trapped Burt in his comically oversized hourglass and bright pink sand nearly clogged the Boy Wonder’s every orifice. The dog shelter story is just the kind of wound Matt Lauer would gleefully tear open during an otherwise fluffy fifteen minute stop by “The Today Show.”
Thus, our sensitive Burt stays home, content to leave the “Batman these days is too dark; our Batman was so much more fun!” quotes to the likes of Julie Newmar and the pile of naugahyde that’s currently passing itself off as Adam West. That’s fine. Burt Ward is probably sick of talking about Batman anyway. To be fair, he’s been in other stuff over the years, and the blame falls squarely on us for not being more acquainted with it. With that in mind, I present the following Burt Ward film primer. If you’re lucky, you just might be able to find entry to the dimension where complete copies of these movies still exist.
Fire In The Night (1986) – The cinematic debut of female martial arts pioneer Graciela Casillas, Fire In The Night attempts to send up hard boiled action flicks and is only hindered by its severely low budget (a recurring theme with Mr. Ward’s cinematic oeuvre). Burt plays Paul, the karate teacher, a fact sure to irritate anyone who remembers all that boasting the former Boy Wonder once did about whupping up on Bruce Lee.
The Underachievers (1987) – This tone deaf comedy follows a group of “crazy” adults attending night school (one of whom is an undercover cop trying to bust up a drug ring). Think Moving Violations without the wit or charm. From an Amazon.com review: “Great movie! I especially love the scene where the beautiful Becky LeBeau gets completely naked and starts humping that alligator float.”
Robo-C.H.I.C. (1989) – Also known as Cyber-C.H.I.C. A mad scientist builds his own sexy crime-fighting robot because, hey, why the hell not? Kathy Shower, the Playboy Playmate who stars as the titular Robo-C.H.I.C., quit the movie during filming, forcing the director to hire an impersonator Brandon Lee Crow-style. Lyle Waggoner is also in this one, which is notable because he nearly ended up playing Batman in the ’60s series that made Burt Ward famous.
Robot Ninja (1990) – Burt’s the smarmy agent of a struggling comic book artist in this no budget classic that looks like it was filmed at your parents’ house on a random Tuesday night. Robot Ninja barely gets by on “so bad it’s good” fumes, but we must give it credit for attempting to do the whole “movie in a movie” thing (Robot Ninja is an already established fictional entity within this universe until his creator, spurned by horrible injustice, decides to start fighting crime as said character).
Kill Crazy (1990) – The greatest Rambo ripoff in history boasting the greatest trailer in history. “When a man at war becomes a machine of revenge, he gets…kill crazy.” David Heavener’s commanding performance as steely-eyed anti-hero Alexander Grady Puckett will distract you from everything else that’s ever on the screen.
Hot Under The Collar (1991) – Horny boy tries to hypnotize girl into having sex, girl joins a convent instead. That’s right—Burt Ward made a goddamn nunsploitation flick. Believe or not, our Boy Wonder plays the Pope in this one. Holy Ex-Communication, Batman.
Beach Babes From Beyond (1993) – Jackie Stallone, Joe Estevez, Don Swayze, and Joey Travolta somehow manage to share marquee space in this softcore female-centric spin on “They Came From Outer Space.” Gorgeous aliens come to Earth looking to par-tay. Burt’s about the only one here who keeps his top on.
Assault Of The Party Nerds 2: The Heavy Petting Detective (1995) – Hard to believe they waited six years before giving us a sequel to the original Party Nerds. Richard Gabai stars in the role Frank Whaley was born to turn down; it’s the lowest-rent Ferris Bueller food stamps can afford. This movie has its yuks, but be forewarned: there is a scene where a girl sits on Burt Ward’s lap.
Alien Force (1996) – In a callback to his turn as the Pope in Hot Under The Collar, Burt appears as the Omnipresent Praxima in this straight-to-video sci-fi action turd. As Alien Force’s trailer demonstrates, the film’s meager budget was equally distributed between the script, special effects, and Burt’s space priest costume (an ensemble that comes complete with sceptre).
Moving Targets (1998) – And you thought Miles O’Keeffe peaked with Cave Dwellers. O’Keeffe is teamed with Burt in this cop drama at least one IMDb.com user describes as “bland but suspenseful.” Moving Targets is also one of five movies that pairs Burt with scream queen Linnea Quigley (the other four being Party Nerds 2, Beach Babes From Beyond, Robot Ninja, and 1991′s Virgin High). Will the Ward/Quigley series one day be as revered as the Hope/Crosby Road pictures? Hell if I know.
Not enough gratuitous Ward for you? See also Smoothtalker, The Dwelling, and Karate Raider. I’m sure at least one of those is on NetFlix Instant right now!
“Saturday Night Live” Movies I Am Considering Writing
Makin’ Copies: The Richmeister climbs the corporate ladder thanks to his amazing networking skills but falters in his role as CFO when it’s discovered he can literally only say cute variations on other people’s names.
You May Not Touch The Mango: Everyone’s favorite temperamental exotic dancer develops leprosy and struggles with the forced solitude.
Hollywood Minute: The Movie: David Spade spends ninety minutes riffing on Tinseltown’s rich hundred year plus history, zinging a wide range of targets including Fatty Arbuckle, the Spice Girls, and Russ Meyer.
Get Off The Damn Shed: Will Ferrell spends ninety minutes screaming at off-screen children who refuse to climb down from his tool hutch.
Dominican Lou Meets Woodrow: Travy Morgan’s handyman character encounters Tracy Morgan’s homeless character out in the street somewhere and the two have a discussion about a mutual friend (Brian Fellows, Tracy Morgan’s zookeeper character).
Debbie Downer Does Dallas: Sad sack has tons of graphic sex, complains the entire time about unrelated issues.
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