Images I Personally Find More Offensive Than “The Assassination Of Dimebag Darrell”
November 12, 2009Unsolicited Mini-Reviews Of Films I Have Recently Watched Part 526
November 11, 2009Step Brothers: It’s great to see the dad from Bill & Ted working again (the bald one). Come to think of it, this movie is kind of like Bill & Ted 3: Bill & Ted Gain Sixty Pounds, Get Perms, Suffer An Incredible Amount Of Brain Damage, Forget They Can Time Travel, And Annoy Everyone They Meet Every Single Day Of Their Lives. A little uneven, but there are plenty of yuks. Plus, Rob Riggle. That guy elevates the hilarity of every project he signs on for.
Hail! Hail! Rock n’ Roll: Chuck Berry turned sixty in 1986, so the guy who made An Officer And A Gentleman decided to stage a huge concert celebrating the rock n’ roll pioneer and film a documentary around it. What the director didn’t count on was Berry being a complete diva, one who nearly sank the production before it began. Truth be told, this DVD’s behind-the-scenes featurette chronicling Berry’s impossible nature is far more entertaining than the film itself. Yet Hail! Hail! does boast plenty of fun moments, particularly during the actual concert. The whole package is a loving tribute to a sizable asshole who helped invent a really incredible form of music.
Infamy: Graffiti doc that peers into lives of three or four different artists. Interesting stuff – particularly “Earsnot,” the angry NYC tagger whose frustration and art stems from his father forbidding him to play flute as a child.
The Hangover: Finally, the frat pack movie to dethrone Old School as the tops of the genre. The plot weakened near the end and the Tyson bits struck me as forced, but you can’t argue with the sheer volume of funny. I got on my LOL-copter and ROFL’d every waffle in sight during this one (or whatever the hell the kids are saying).
Moon: Sam Rockwell has a contract job on our nearest celestial entity (someone check the facts on that)…or does he? This psychological sci-fi exploration was so good I watched it two and a half times in a row (life interrupted). Expertly acted, directed, produced, and probably catered. Moon should get every Oscar available come awards season.
Stuff White People Like To Complain About
November 7, 20091. Weezer – White people immediately latched on to the rock band Weezer when they first appeared on the scene in the mid-nineties with a winning combination of fuzzy grunge pop, kitschy 1970s references, and an endearing “aw shucks” underdog persona. As with most rock groups, though, it has proven difficult for Weezer to maintain a consistent level of quality over the years; for reasons that remain unclear, white people have taken this as a personal affront from the band. Every time Weezer has released a new album in the past ten years, it has been almost instantly rejected by Caucasians who claim the band “gave up” after their initial success and resent their “laziness” and “lack of creativity.”

Weezer circa 1994. Their introverted, goofy image struck a chord with millions of white people who wished the cast from Revenge of the Nerds would form a band.
One possible theory for this strange cycle suggests that white people hastily pegged Weezer’s lead singer Rivers Cuomo as the logical successor to Kurt Cobain’s songwriting legacy (the first Weezer album was released just a month after the latter’s suicide), applying Cobain’s beliefs and ideals to Cuomo. Thus, white people feel betrayed that Cuomo and Weezer have not “stayed true to their roots,” engaging in various “soulless corporate rock” shenanigans like filming videos with Muppets and collaborating with Kenny G. While other races might view most of Weezer’s antics as merely silly or a good-natured display of humor, white people have been known to insist the band is purposely not being serious in order to irritate their own fan base (which is the entirety of white people).
For more thoughts on the current state of Weezer and their relation to white people, click here.
2. “30 Rock” – Debuting in 2006, “30 Rock” is a half hour sitcom that is quickly becoming the television equivalent of Weezer in white society. The comedy follows the exploits of a head writer for a weekly variety show; created by and starring Tina Fey, the program is based on Fey’s own experiences working on “Saturday Night Live.” Such meta humor is immensely popular with white people, who time and again have embraced programs with the quirky general feel of “30 Rock” (see “The Simpsons,” “Sports Night,” anything involving Gary Shandling). The cast of the show is also stacked with actors white people have been proven to adore: Alec Baldwin (who remains beloved despite his reputation for berating children), Tracy Morgan, the fat weirdo from that Dave Matthews Band video, and Fey herself.
While “30 Rock” has remained consistently popular amongst television critics over its four seasons and has won several major awards, white people have been complaining about its decrease in quality since season two. Specifically, they seem incredulous that such a “smart” and “witty” show would “lower itself” to participate in network television stunts. Examples include the cross promotion of former NBC employee Jerry Seinfeld’s Bee Movie in season two or the alleged “stunt casting” of major movie stars like Salma Hayek and Steve Martin in season three.

The cast of “30 Rock.” Unlike “The Office,” another NBC sitcom white people like to complain about, “30 Rock” is not adapted from anything British.
Recently, “30 Rock” complaining has revved up considerably, as a number of white people who are actually also television critics have openly expressed their beliefs that the show is in “dangerous decline.” Apparently “30 Rock” is no longer “one of the funniest” shows in history but merely a “B minus” program in a current state of “malaise.” While a B minus is still an acceptable and desired grade in many parts of the world, in the realm of white television it is akin to a D plus.
Despite all the complaining, it is clear white people hold a reverence for “30 Rock,” as evidenced by the following dramatic quote (courtesy of Nathan Rabin, noted white person and TV critic):
“I’d almost rather not write about ‘30 Rock’ than write negative reviews.”
3. Late Night Comedy – Late night comedy – that is, televised comedy that generally occurs after 11 P.M. on weeknights – has long been a topic white people relish complaining about. This is interesting because approximately 95% of the programs that have made up late night comedy in the past four decades have been practically interchangeable. Generally, the format is as follows: a white comedian (or “host”) spends an hour chatting with an ugly musician while simultaneously entertaining visits from celebrity guests and engaging in absurd bits of visual humor.
Yet there appear to be many subtle and unseen layers to the bevy of late night comedy programs white people have argued about over the years. For instance, most white people will tell you that “Tonight Show” host Johnny Carson was the best late night comedian because he was “classy” and “sharp” while “The Chevy Chase Show’s” Chevy Chase was the worst because he was “awkward” and “depressing,” despite the fact both of these men wore similar suits, sat behind the same basic kind of desk, and more or less sported the same haircut.

Arsenio Hall, one of the few late night comedians in history who was not white. His show, “The Arsenio Hall Show,” was popular for a few years in the early nineties thanks to the host’s extremely long fingers and his ability to make ordinary people bark on command.
Similarly, white people love to converse about the “broad humor” of “Tonight Show” host Jay Leno versus the “sarcastic quips” of “Late Night” host David Letterman; to the outside observer, however, the only difference between these two men are how they light their studios. One should of course never suggest this to a white person in the heat of a Leno/Letterman discussion, as they take late night comedy preferences very seriously and have been known to attack when provoked. It is widely believed that former President Bill Clinton murdered his friend Vince Foster after Foster called Letterman an “East Coast elitist with no connection to the American people.”
4. The Weather – Actually, everybody likes to complain about the weather, regardless of race.

“Can you people believe this fuckin’ shit?”
5. Lines At The Bank – Uh, don’t get me started.
Halloween Costume Concepts For 2009
October 23, 20091. Cut out a picture of Farrah Fawcett’s head from a magazine and tape it to your knees. Next, go to Kinko’s and have them blow up a photo of Michael Jackson’s head as large as they possibly can. Affix the Michael Jackson head to the upper part of your body and you will have the perfect outfit that demonstrates how the King of Pop’s death completely overshadowed that of Charlie’s favorite Angel.
2. Put on water skis. Glue a copy of any given season of “The Office” to your chest. Leave the house and delight when fellow trick-or-treaters recognize you as “Beloved Yuppie TV Show Jumping The Shark.”
3. Drape yourself in an old white bed sheet. Cut out eye holes. Put on horn-rimmed glasses over the eye holes. Emit as sarcastic and dissatisfied a stance as you can. You have become the ghost of David Cross’s career.
4. Purchase the smallest Ed Hardy shirt that can fit over your torso. Get extremely drunk, attempt to put the shirt on, and crawl on top of a riding lawnmower whilst a Marlboro Red dangles unlit from your lips. Congratulations – you’re Jon Gosselin’s kids in fifteen years.
5. Open your closet. Find the Sarah Palin costume you wore last year. Put it on. Spend all night telling people you’re supposed to be Tina Fey. When the clock strikes midnight, get up on the nearest chair, scream, “I fooled you by going rogue, gosh darn it!”, and start pelting people with books.
6. Purchase the most abrasive neon shit you can find at the Salvation Army. Put it all on at once and then pay your sister to blog for you. Ta-da! You’re Perez Hilton.
7. Crazy glue a table cloth to your face. Now you’re ready to go out as Lady GaGa.
This Is Serious Horror Business
October 17, 2009Hey, you should read this article I wrote in defense of the Misfits’ Famous Monsters. Snippet: “Famous Monsters may never ascend to the lofty heights of the band’s initial Danzig-helmed material, but…it occupies its own acre of provincial awesome in a town where most people fear to tread (read: Post-Reagan horror punk).” Yes, this is a companion piece to the defense of American Psycho I wrote last year.
Thirsty for more Misfits-related scriblings? Click here to read about my unimpressive visit to the band’s original stomping grounds of Lodi, NJ. You could also take a look at a somewhat controversial piece I wrote about the night Danzig got his clock cleaned. Also, who could forget the amazing JG2Land blog post concerning five “classic” Misfits songs I could completely live without? I’m tellin’ ya, you can’t go wrong with any a’ these bastards!
Now remember, all you motherfuckers better speak to the devil, or else Danzig’s gonna make another techno album.
Spooky JG2Land Reruns
October 13, 2009Well, here it is October 13th, and I can barely muster up the thinnest sliver of enthusiasm for Halloween. Is it that I’m getting older? Is that Halloween has been totally co-opted by the “any excuse to get as drunk as possible” crowd? Is it this diarrhea economy, stressing me out to the point I can’t even enjoy America’s greatest candy-related tradition? Probably a combination of all three. Plus, how could I possibly top last year’s costume?

I was DMC, the all-time great! I bust(ed) the most rhymes in New York state (not to mention most of New Jersey and Connecticut!).
To try and get myself (and you) in the mood for that most ghoulish of days, here’s a handful of extra-spooky JG2Land reruns. Can your eyes, hearts, and spleens withstand the terror of…
…the wretched Grim Reaper costume I assembled as a grumpy adolescent?
…my equally half-assed pumpkin carving skills?
…the field trip I took to bewitching Salem, Mass?
…pictures of the world’s largest garden gnome dressed as a witch?
…an interview with a former Murder Junkie?
…an interview with a former Samhain drummer?
…a review of a horror movie that came out eighty years ago?
Are you scared yet? Bleh, bleh, BLEH! That’s the noise that Dracula makes (when he’s climaxing).
Two For Tuesday
October 6, 2009In case you missed it yesterday, here’s my picks for the greatest and best songs of the century so far.
In a more metal mood? Read my review of the new Baroness offering, The Blue Album.
I’ll be right back…with more stuff.
Casting The Kanye West MTV Freak-Out Movie I Just Wrote The Script For
October 2, 2009This hastily-assembled shit is going to be amazing. Let’s go back in time a month and make it happen.
CONFUSED AMBITION: THE TRUE STORY OF THE 2009 MTV MUSIC VIDEO AWARDS
Starring
CUBA GOODING, JR. as Kanye West

“I’m real happy for you, Rain Man, and I’m-a let you finish, but Radio was one of the best mentally challenged hero movies of all-time!”
Who else could bring Kanye’s potent mix of earnest and crazy alive on the silver screen? Godfrey Cambridge? I’m pretty sure that guy is dead, so we’re going with Cuba.
RENÉE ZELLWEGER as Taylor Swift

“You had me at meaningless award for useless, outmoded media.”
Computer technology will make her thinner, younger, and more pucker-faced.
TARAJI P. HENSON as Beyoncé Knowles

“All the single ladies – please, don’t get high on crack and leave your baby in an oven.”
I was gonna say Beyoncé as herself, but that wouldn’t have been very creative. Taraji’s good, I’m sure she can pull off that astonished-but-still-kind-of-tickled-pink look Beyoncé had on her face after Kanye hijacked the mic.
BRIGITTE NIELSEN as Kanye’s bald girlfriend

This is an old photo. A VERY old photo.
Again, computer technology would have to be employed to bring Brigitte back from the brink of, uh, whatever you call the place where she is now.
SWEETUMS as Joe Jackson

“My son is dead. Buy some of his records already!”
The resemblance is spooky. Just throw a fedora on his head, toss a bottle of Hennessey in his paw, and BOOM – you got the guy who smacked the black off-a Michael AND helped get Kanye schnockered before the show started.
CISCO ADLER as Russell Brand

Some kinda joke about his huge balls.
I just want to give this idiot a job.
NICOLE KIDMAN as Madonna

“I was married to Tom Cruise, so I understand crazy people.”
This is a pivotal role; Madonna’s self-serving Michael Jackson “tribute” speech is probably what subconsciously set Kanye off. No one could believe all that shit she was saying. Madonna has eight brothers? Where the fuck are they? Anyway, only Nicole Kidman could handle the rigors of this film’s second most psychologically complex role.
DELTA BURKE as Katy Perry

“I kissed a girl, and then I ate her for lunch.”
Someone has to be shown Twittering their rage at the after party.
JONAH HILL as the Internet

“What the fuck, Kanye? Watch my response video and subscribe!”
If any one actor could accurately represent the rage, desperation, and utter loneliness of the world wide web’s countless armchair pundits, it’s Jonah Hill. He would be filmed entirely with a low quality webcam, in his underwear, with absolutely no edits, complaining about what “asshole Kanye” did to his “fake girlfriend Tay Tay.”
Naturally, I will direct this fabulous slab of cinema myself and sell it to the highest bidder.
Is it too soon to whisper Emmy Oscar Nobel Peace Prize?







Posted by jamesgreenejr
Posted by jamesgreenejr
Posted by jamesgreenejr 





