Basic Cable Reality Show Ideas

“Bodega Wars”: Two proud families vie for customers on an unassuming block in Brooklyn. The bodega on the north side of the street only charges two bucks for a roast beef sandwich, but their store always smells like drywall. The bodega on the south side offers no pungent aromas…but they also don’t have Diet Dr Pepper. Tune in each week to see which location successfully entices Joe Lunchpail inside to buy a pack of smokes.

“Shoeshine Dynasty”: This intrepid group of experienced polishers refuses to let the art of shoeshine die. Tune in each week as Gramps, Mee-Maw, Sticky, Hoops, and the Baby hold court in the St. Louis train depot, waxing philosophical in more ways than one. Also, there’s a dog?

“Lockup: Middle School Detention”: Enter the raw world of adolescent after school discipline programs, where cameras capture the harsh reality of twelve year olds staring into space and being reprimanded for attempting to sleep on their desks.

“Broast Hunters”: Corpulent Rhode Islanders travel the U.S. in search of elusive chicken broasting restaurants, some of which may be only legend and some of which may be all too real.

“Who The @#%! Did I Just See At The Gas Station?”: Dramatic re-enactments of strange convenience store encounters. Pilot includes “Grown Man In Diaper,” “Rick Moranis Lookalike Invades Women’s Room.”

Twenty-Five Other Essential Punk Albums

A companion/reaction piece to Rob O’Conner’s recent listicle for Yahoo. Robbo hit all the biggies, but hey, listen, there are all these others. Entries are not numbered because I simply jotted titles down as I remembered them. I couldn’t possibly rank these fine works.

The Gits – Frenching the Bully

Quoting myself: “The Gits…bashed out sharp barre chord combinations with a bluesy twist that perfectly accentuated singer Mia Zapata’s deep, gutsy attack…1992′s Frenching the Bully was a diamond drill of raw nerve, one that ground its targets into a fine gruel.”

Adolescents – Adolescents

Is there irony in a seventeen year old singing “I Hate Children?” Yes, but only if you’re over twenty. The Adolescents offer sneering SoCal skate punk with the occasional detour into airy, soaring melodiousness. More sensitive than the Circle Jerks, but just as worthy.

FEAR – The Record

Posturing, theatrical, totally laughable when it isn’t legit frightening. The only thing weirder than Lee Ving’s opera singer-meets-redneck vocal style is Philo Cramer’s demented guitar work. “We Gotta Get Out Of This Place” might convince you to hide under the covers all week.

The Queers – Don’t Back Down

This record defines the Queers aesthetic (beer + girls + Johnny Ramone + Mike Love) just as well as any other. The production is flawless, though, and Joe King never wrote better heart-poking anthems than “Number One” and “Love, Love, Love.”

Reagan Youth – Volume 1

If you can’t beat ‘em, confuse ‘em. These peace punks attempted to deflate white supremacy/neo-nazis by latching on to corresponding imagery. The results were mixed, but they wrote some classics (“Degenerated,” “Anytown”) and that guitar sounds gloriously like a vacuum cleaner.

Crucifucks – Crucifucks

Doc Dart unleashes his inner toddler, throwing a tantrum over all manner of authority while his band mates whip up churning, dissonant noise. Interspersed between the songs are Dart’s various phone entanglements with law enforcement—which prove equally enthralling.

Adrenalin O.D. – The Wacky Hi-Jinks of Adrenalin O.D.

Pushing hardcore to the brink of utter blurriness. Goofball humor takes the edge off (“Rock n’ Roll Gas Station,” “AOD vs. Godzilla”). The song about hating Trans Ams might be subterfuge, though. These guys are from Jersey.

76% Uncertain – Estimated Monkey Time

Another one that leans metal but retains its cred. Contains the best (and perhaps only) hardcore punk song written in favor of curbing dogs. And how can you dislike any album boasting a song called “Monkey Jam” that features record scratching?

Replacements – Sorry Ma, Forgot to Take Out The Trash

Raucous Americana punk that masks genius songwriting and arrangement with shambolic, self-deprecating noise. No question these guys would eventually rule the indie rock wastelands. Crown jewel of the Midwest.

Cramps – Songs The Lord Taught Us

The seamy underbelly of rockabilly is nothing if not punk. Lux Interior was walking catharsis wrapped in leather, and the Cramps were living, breathing sex. You’re not from the right planet if you don’t like at least some of Songs The Lord Taught Us.

Dickies – The Incredible Shrinking Dickies

Helium-voiced basket case convinces Iggy Pop’s drug dealer to write songs about conquering or being crushed by social anxiety. The results gave Billie Joe Armstrong and his friends a nice template to work with fifteen years later. They also cover Sabbath and it is awesome.

Be Your Own Pet – Get Awkward

That spunky girl from your middle school grew up, went off her meds, and recorded a playfully violent collection of songs that occasionally reference Robocop, zombies, and friendship bracelets. Like, OMG, she will fucking cut you, bitch.

Guitar Wolf – Missile Me!

The lowest of the lo-fi, Guitar Wolf turn everything up to eleven and end up sounding like they’re trying to outplay a space shuttle launch. It’s charming, considering their musical style is pure 1950s motorcycle rock. A helmet may be required, but it won’t protect you.

The Vandals – Peace Thru Vandalism

In which sacred cows—Elvis, your mother—are grilled up over a flame of particularly crude racket. “Anarchy Burger” continues to reign as perhaps the truest expression of the “a” word in the genre. I don’t remember Crass ever telling people to piss on cheese.

Social Distortion – Mommy’s Little Monster

Burgeoning roots punk. Very heart-on-sleeve. The whiskey-worn vocals of a young Mike Ness bring it all home, even when he’s yawing about the same societal norms other bands have taken to task. The yearning title track should have been an FM radio hit.

GG Allin & the Jabbers – Always Was, Is And Always Shall Be

GG was way tuneful before he was King Gross Out, and Always Was is that fact’s invigorating testament. On the real: “I Need Adventure” and “Unpredictable” are at least as good as better than anything the Dictators ever did.

Black Randy & the Metrosquad – Pass the Dust, I Think I’m Bowie

Notorious San Fran rabble rouser tries injecting some tight-ass funk into his new wave, which only serves to underscore the drugginess his Pass the Dust outlines. You’ll feel like you’ve been awake all night after listening for only three minutes.

Bad Religion – Suffer

Watershed moment for the “modern” sound of punk. Perfect harmonizing in place of snot, erudite observation in place of unfiltered rage. Makes a great case for book learnin’. And you can still probably gleam the cube to most of this ish! Thrash on, library card bros!

Rosemary’s Babies – Talking to the Dead

One of the few horror punk band outside the Misfits worth serious investment. They reject work, school, and religion in favor of bondage, necrophilia, and blood lust—and you believe them. May not actually be possessed, but certainly disturbed.

Antidote – Thou Shalt Not Kill

Just the most livid New York hardcore. Eight songs, nine minutes, but hey, it’s not a contest. However long this is, you won’t forget the palpable sensation that Antidote are not fucking around. See the militant and white hot “Something Must Be Done” for absolute proof.

Suicidal Tendencies – Suicidal Tendencies

Best song protesting romance (“Won’t Fall In Love Today”). Best song protesting the mental health system (“Institutionalized”). Best censorship (“I Shot Reagan” altered to “I Shot The Devil”). So furious you can’t even follow it at times but completely delicious.

Dwarves – Blood Guts & Pussy

The Dwarves began as trash punk dedicated to satisfying the id. You can call it low brow, you can call it depraved, but you can’t call it boring and you sure can’t call it weak. Filthy sex maniacs obsessed with prescription drugs need a soundtrack too.

Sonics – Here Are The Sonics

Quoting myself again: “America’s first true punk band, the Sonics played…so loudly [that] every single instrument on their records had a beautiful natural distortion…did any other pre-Iggy white guy scream as satisfyingly as lead Sonic Gerry Roslie? You can feel [him] in your tailbone.”

Badtown Boys – Date With Death

The B Boys were ahead of the ’90s pop punk pack by about five years. They’re big in Germany, but they should be even bigger here. Screeching Weasel without the guilt? Sure. “Dee Dee Took The Subway” is oddly romantic for a song about a junkie on mass transit.

McLusky – McLusky Do Dallas

All the angry punk bands of the Bush years were actually just one band in Wales. Overflowing with bile, jagged hooks, and a decidedly sour charisma. Still, they could be pretty cheeky sometimes–see “The World Loves Us And Is Our Bitch.”

Alice in Chains Drinking Game

This game is meant to be played while watching Music Bank, the Alice in Chains video collection.



Take a sip every time…



- Layne Staley rolls his eyes back into his head

- Sean Kinney looks at the camera like he’s Fabio

- Jerry Cantrell and Mike Starr/Mike Inez headbang in unison

- film stock is projected on Layne Staley’s face

- the band appears in Claymation form



Finish your drink every time…

- 

Layne’s goatee is braided

- you see Layne in a floppy leather hat

- a lemur is perched on a band member’s shoulder

- Jerry rocks so hard his hat falls off

- a stuffed animal is shown on fire



Chug an entire beer every time…



- you spot the three-legged dog from the cover of their self-titled album

- a real chimpanzee hugs someone

- a toy chimpanzee causes mayhem/inspires awe

- Jerry uses a guitar other than his white Stratocaster

- Sean plays drums in a trenchcoat

- a child is shown attacking another child with a hammer



Spray your fellow partiers with a nice sudsy brew every time you hear the theme from “Benny Hill” or any time you see a reference to “The Brady Bunch.”



Happy drinking and rock on!

No AIDS For Drago: ’06 In Review

Came across this recap of 2006 (penned by yours truly when 2007 was just days old) tonight in the digital catacombs. Let’s LOL along at how silly I was x amount of years ago.

JANUARY



I greet the new year in style, gorging myself on one of those giant greasy-ass breakfast sandwiches at a Jack in the Box just outside of Charlotte, NC (yes, some of us go to the Carolinas for pleasure). A few weeks later, I get into trouble at my substitute teaching job for telling a high school physics class the moon landing may have been faked. This incident makes me realize the American school system is totally fucked and that I need a new job like yesterday. 



FEBRUARY



Grandpa Munster dies. I quit the sub gig and officially give up my dream of one day teaching Eskimo children general history for $65,000 a year. My girlfriend gets me a Phil Ochs CD for Valentine’s Day. I return the favor by taking her to Olive Garden.



MARCH



Harcourt School Publishers offer me a project editing position, which I take, partially because their office is situated directly across the street from SeaWorld. Over the next few months I burn many a lunch break watching dolphins appease their wet-suited, fish-bearing overlords. 



APRIL



No one attempts to fool me on the first day of the month, and I frown. Scary Movie 4 is released. I see it opening night. The biggest laugh in the film is a Myspace reference.



MAY



The “American Idol” finale is almost too stressful to bear. Taylor Hicks is announced as the winner. My McPheever suddenly wears off. I scream “SOUL PATROL!” at the top of my lungs and begin dancing to imaginary harmonica riffs. I am the ultimate sell out.

JUNE

The band I play drums for goes into an actual professional studio to record two songs. I am proud to make it through the recording process without crying. Later, we all decide to have drinks/dinner together at a local eatery. A fight nearly breaks out when the server refuses to believe our singer’s ID is legit. Cooler heads eventually prevail and singer guy gets his Miller Genuine Draft. I arrive home hoping the cable is on in my new apartment. It isn’t, and I consider sleeping in my car as some kind of misguided protest.

JULY



After much soul-searching, I quit the band. The world continues to turn. 



AUGUST



My friend Michael gets free passes to see World Trade Center. He cannot find a single person in the universe who wants to see it, even for free. Too soon? Yeah, too soon.



SEPTEMBER



I lose my job at Harcourt, which comes as a bigger shock than the John Mark Karr confession. Most of my co-workers seem genuinely upset to learn I will no longer be working with them. This makes me feel better. The possibility of a Mets World Series appearance also lifts my spirits.



OCTOBER



A friend asks me to play a doctor in his student film. At one point, the script calls for me to pretend to butt fuck a vampire who is high on pot. I do not question my friend’s artistic vision. My girlfriend and I hold a Halloween party at the end of the month. A neighbor assures me said party is “off the hook.”



NOVEMBER



A new Tupac album comes out. I start to get pumped for Rocky Balboa.



DECEMBER



An encounter with a hungry raccoon early in the month proves frightening. I see Rocky Balboa and it meets my high expectations despite the absence of the heavily-rumored Ivan Drago AIDS death plotline. For Christmas, I get a tie rack. Gerald Ford finally dies, but no one cares because James Brown dies like two seconds later.

Phrases I Have Never Heard My Father Say

“A forest teeming with rare birds.”

“That kick drum sounds a little hot.”

“Do you know the muffin man?”

“My chrysanthemums!”

“Altoona’s a bad scene.”

“An experience on par with Bette Midler’s Beaches.”

“There’s more than one way to skin a grasshopper.”

Shit A Seventeenth Century English Fop Says

“I say, that last Etheredge Restoration comedy was too French even for my tastes!”

“Oh drat, my poet blouse is soiled with the grease of a cornish game hen!”

“If I should die in this Great Plague, please burn my corpse in Salisbury.”

“Balderdash! The Duke of Monmouth’s real name is Scott!”

“Please, speak not of this ‘New’ Amsterdam. It leaves me weary.”

Shit JG2 Says When He’s At The Orange City Applebee’s In 2004

“They have a pretty great quesadilla here.”

“Listen! They’re playing ‘Dream Police!’ Let’s go to the Virgin Megastore after this and buy as many Cheap Trick CDs as we can afford.”

“Okay, we can ‘share’ a martini, but I don’t drink, so, y’know, you’re responsible for taking care of the whole thing.”

“Excuse me, but it seems as if my water glass is cracked. Can I get a new one?”

“Oh no, Brian’s here. Yeah, things have been kind of awkward between us since I punched him in the balls at that traffic light.”

“So this is life after college. What a sham.”

JG2′s Top Ten Albums & Singles Of 2011 (Annotated Edition)

Previously published sans annotation here. This year’s lists are dedicated to Gidget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua (pictured, left), who died a couple years ago and has yet to receive a proper tribute in this country. Yes, I’m currently petitioning Congress to make her birthday a national holiday.

JG2′s TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2011

1. Turbo A.C.’s – Kill Everyone

2011′s greatest monument to that archaic concept of rock n’ roll and the trash culture that surrounds it. Key phrases from my original review of Kill Everyone: “crushing,” “foreboding,” “hot asphalt,” “heart-bruising melodies,” “wounded pride,” “punk aching,” and “zeal.” If these guys turn out to be stockbrokers who own property in Westchester County, I will lose all faith in humanity/art.

2. Anal Cunt – Fuckin’ A

Seth Putnam’s final stand unfurls itself as a twisted tribute to whiskey-soaked, crotch-rubbing hard rock circa 1984. Is it genuine or a complete piss take? The jury’s still out on that, but Fuckin’ A works as a curious buffer between the shrieky atonal hell of Anal Cunt’s normal grindcore and the grimy bombast of Mötley Crüe and Quiet Riot. The most accessible (not to mention most fun) record ever to bear the name Anal Cunt.

3. Lou Reed & Metallica – Lulu

Lou collaborates with the rock band we all assume is least aligned with his sensibilities and creates something that’s almost as deliciously painful as Metal Machine Music. Both parties must be commended for fully committing to their ridiculous union, a Waterworld for the iPod generation.

4. Pusrad – Smarttrams

This EP of jagged hardcore punk from Sweden is only two minutes long, but it leaves some serious road burn. Pusrad manage to display a surprising amount of dexterity in their attack, leaving one to wonder why all music of this nature can’t be as boisterous.

5. Screeching Weasel – First World Manifesto

One of the most focused and fulfilling entries of Screeching Weasel’s career. Unfortunately, buffoonery at the hands of Ben Weasel derailed any momentum First World had going, so it’ll probably take a few years for devoted pop punkers to place it in their minds next to previous towering SW efforts.

6. Megadeth – Thirteen

Of course thirteen would be a lucky number for this band previously obsessed with the occult, nuclear destruction, and religious jihads. Fantastic production allows Megadeth to stretch their legs a tad and gallop along at satisfying paces that don’t embarrass them. Also, they made a video with monkeys.

7. Das Racist – Relax

The Stephen Wrights of rap nail their debut album with lackadaisical but funny rhymes over beats that alternately accost and amuse. Lazy opportunists or dada novelty? Doesn’t matter when the returns are this high.

8. Beastie Boys – Hot Sauce Committee Part Two

The Beasties can get away with an album of 1980s Afrika Bambaataa video game noises because they lived through that era. As insular as Hot Sauce initially sounds, it’s ultimately a party record (even when Nas shows up).

9. Foo Fighters – Wasting Light

The big stupid white bread hooky arena rock record every year needs. Plenty of gusto to match the melody.

10. Black Dahlia Murder – Ritual

As I insisted before, BDM “effortlessly massage enormous amounts of feeling and harmony into their fist-clenching anthems of anger, pestilence, pain, and suffering.” 2011 offered no better soundtrack for all night Call of Duty finger-mashing sessions fueled by candy and energy drinks.

JG2′s TOP TEN SINGLES OF 2011

1. Baby Metal – “ド・キ・ド・キ☆モーニング (Freaky Morning)”

Death metal/grindcore is finally co-opted by J-Pop, and the results are life-affirming.

2. Anal Cunt – “Crankin’ My Band’s Demo On A Box At The Beach”

The imagery the chorus conjures up is hilarious. Can anyone imagine these guys going to the beach in the first place, let alone subjecting surfers to this noise as if it were Van Halen’s “Panama?”

3. Turbo A.C.’s – “Die Tomorrow”

Mainly for this lyrical gem: “Say you wanna die, but I think you’re a liar/I’ve never seen you at a Gray’s Papaya.”

4. Das Racist – “Michael Jackson”

Mainly for this lyrical gem: “Yeah, I’m fuckin’ great at rapping!”

5. Loutallica – “The View”

What, did you think this Loutallica record wasn’t gonna sound like they were making it up as they go along?

6. Beastie Boys – “Lee Majors Come Again”

The Beasties can still get all 1992 on your ass if they really feel like it.

7. Nicki Minaj – “Super Bass”

Yeah, she’s fuckin’ great at rapping.

8. Foo Fighters – “White Limo”

The Foos mainline the Cult and make you hard/wet with anticipation.

9. The Black Dahlia Murder – “Conspiring With The Damned”

Hey, this death metal isn’t giving me a headache yet!

10. Avril Lavigne – “What The Hell”

Everybody likes a little cotton candy.

I’m An F-18, Bro: 2011 In Review

Or “Writer Rehashes Content You’ve Already Ignored Once.”

JANUARY

Estonia officially adopts the Euro as its national currency. The singer from an nth generation rockabilly band accuses a toy conglomerate of stealing her identity. The Green Hornet is theatrically released, but I hear mixed things, so I decide to wait until it’s on DVD.

FEBRUARY

The White Stripes break up, allowing me to finally admit I was always a fan. I get food poisoning at my own Super Bowl party from a batch of eggplant-based dip. A computer beats Ken Jennings on “Jeopardy!”, shaming this country’s entire Mormon population.

MARCH

I interview Mike Watt at the suggestion of my Crawdaddy! editor; the chat goes well, but I later regret not asking more questions about “Piss Bottle Man.” Zoogz Rift dies. Yuppies have a collective hissy fit when it’s announced the new season of “Mad Men” will be delayed until 2012.

APRIL

Prince William marries Kate Middleton. I commemorate the early ’90s advertising ubiquity of MC Hammer. I also attempt to finish writing “We Didn’t Start The Fire” for Billy Joel. Yuppies have a collective hissy fit when this month sees the end of both LCD Soundsystem and Steve Carrell’s tenure on “The Office.”

MAY

I issue not one but two lengthy feature reports on forgotten Star Wars disco song “Lapti Nek”; unfortunately, they come too late in the year for Pulitzer Prize consideration. A personal trip to Minneapolis fails to yield any Prince sightings.

JUNE

I discover via Twitter that the little kid from Cop & A Half is a rapper. Seth Putnam dies. Super 8 is released, and the scene were the children all sing “My Sharona” strikes me as not only grating but historically improbable; while I am researching this story, my boss calls to tell me Crawdaddy! is folding.

JULY

I interview “Weird Al” Yankovic, fulfilling a life-long dream. I see The Green Hornet and my distaste for Seth Rogen is cemented.

AUGUST

It is revealed that Steve Jones from the Sex Pistols didn’t really play on The Great Milenko. The original Star Wars movies are released on Blu-Ray with even more ridiculous CGI scribbling. A personal trip to Denver fails to yield any Sinbad sightings.

SEPTEMBER

I publish my investigation into the Atari Landfill legend after it’s clear no one from the former video game giant can sue me. My favorite soda Vault is discontinued. Anthrax finally release Worship Music; riots erupt nowhere in response.

OCTOBER

Steve Jobs dies, ostensibly before hearing a single note of Lulu. I interview Raj from “What’s Happening!!” and discover he’s a cool guy. After several seasons of speculation, Dr Pepper announces that they have no affiliation with “South Park.” The best song of the year is released.

NOVEMBER

The Justin Bieber Christmas album drops and gives the world a moment to reconsider Busta Rhymes. I eat pizza for Thanksgiving.

DECEMBER

Americans suspect Coca-Cola of flavor treachery. Universal Studios Florida announces the closure of their Jaws attraction. An image surfaces that proves noted UFOlogist Giorgio Tsoukalos once combed his hair. Kim Jong-Il dies. I live the cliché by getting socks for Christmas.

Eddie Vedder Birthday Haikus

Hard to hate a guy
with pro-Ramones agenda
gabba gabba Ed

Hard to hate a guy
who authored “Rearviewmirror”
stabs me in my gut!

Hard to hate a guy
when his name rhymes with cheddar
secret of his angst?