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It’s Buffet Time

In high school I knew a kid named Darryl (I think that was his name) who looked like a teenage Gomez Addams. A little swarthy, thick mustache, droopy eyes, slick hair. Darryl was probably best known for being decent at basketball, but to me his defining characteristic was the way he sang EMF’s hit “Unbelievable.” He’d sing the whole thing normally until the chorus. At that point he’d substitute complete nonsense for the “you’re unbelievable!” part. Once when he was singing it, he looked me dead in the eye when he got to the chorus and said with a totally straight face, “it’s buffet time.”

I had no idea if he was referencing something from pop culture or his own weird life, but I can’t recall another instance when I laughed so hard at something for so long. I was crying. I’m not sure why. It was just so odd and unexpected. At the end of the year Darryl signed my yearbook “always keep it buffet”; part of me wishes I had asked him to write that on my arm so I could get it tattooed.

Last I heard, this guy was trying to launch a rap career under the name Dirty B. I hope that’s true. I hope he appreciates that I constantly say “it’s buffet time” to myself to get motivated or cheer myself up or in reaction to the utterly perplexing.

“Yaxzon Jackson” Post Game Wrap Up Gala Spectacular

You’ve listened to the entire first season of the “Yaxzon Jackson” podcast, now literally watch myself, Rollie Hatch, C. LeMar McLean, and Kirk Howle spin our wheels on Dangerous one last time. What are our final thoughts on this album? What does Kirk actually know about college football? How many Jerry Mathers jokes can we get through before we spit up on ourselves like stupid babies? Click play and find out.

HEY REMEMBER THE NINETIES

Beloved Letterman sidekick Calvert DeForest and the members of Nine Inch Nails circa 1994. DeForest gave the band a memorable introduction at that year’s Woodstock: “Ladies and gentlemen, punch your balls off and please welcome Nine Inch Nails!”

Our Dangerous Michael Jackson Podcast Is Gone Too Soon

Here now, the final two episodes of “Yaxzon Jackson” Season One, in which Rollie and I discuss at length the songs that close Dangerous. Surprisingly we have little to say about a recycled Dionne Warwick ballad and a “Jam” rewrite; thus, discussion turns to Haywood Nelson, college football, the Ramones, our few listeners we know by name, and (of course) multi-instrumentalist Teddy Riley.

Yax Jax 013: “Gone Too Soon”
Yax Jax 014: “Dangerous”

Again, thanks for tuning in, and keep your eyes peeled for our self-indulgent wrap up episode where we reflect upon all we’ve accomplished podcasting about a latter day Michael Jackson album. The main difference is we’ll be wearing tuxedos.

Unsolicited Bantha Poodoo RE: The Star Wars Episode VII Teaser

- they’ve finally discovered the best way to move a robot around the desert: glue it to a beach ball

- every single film made in this day and age must feature a sequence that takes place in the rear of a cargo plane; if you don’t like it, move to Siberia

- yo, that girl is driving a giant stick of deodorant

- yo, that lightsaber has a mustache

- YOU WANTED THE BEST YOU GOT THE BEST THE HOTTEST SPACESHIP IN THE GALAXY THE MILLENNIUM FALCON [guitar solo]

- can America accept a Millennium Falcon with a square satellite dish?

- no shot of C-3PO clasping hands w/ Chewbacca a la Predator?

- this entire movie might take place in one afternoon on the last day of school (excuse me, the last day of space school)

- overall these table scraps make Star Wars 7 look reasonably exciting; guess I should start working on the Bib Fortuna costume I will wear when I camp out for opening night

- on the other hand, if I find out Max Rebo isn’t in this I’m switching to Battlestar Galactica (the original, with Dirk Benedict)

Q: Why Do You Clear Your Throat So Goddamn Much?

A: Because it’s fun and I get a kick out of annoying you?

Actually, I’m not really sure. According to the Google-box excessive throat clearing is usually the result of allergies, which I do have in various shades. However, I can’t help believing my mucus chutes are a little messed up from a severe tonsillitis I had in my twenties. It came and went a handful of times, growing more vicious with each episode, but the doctors all told me the tonsil removal procedure is risky for adults. The recovery time’s super long, and it can mess up your vocal chords permanently.

It felt like the tonsillitis had already jacked my voice to some degree (it was a little stronger before) so I took a “wait and see” attitude. Here we is, ten years later, tonsils still caught in mah throat. Haven’t had tonsillitis since (knock on wood) but I do be “a-HEMing” a lot. There are worse ailments with which to be saddled. Like taco leg, or chronic leprechaun syndrome.

The throat clearing doesn’t prevent me from “living.” I made it to the top of Pike’s Peak a few years ago with no problems. I’ve been to Des Moines and no one tried to choke me out. I can do everything a regular throat clearer can do. Swimming, horseback riding, making shitty tampon jokes.

Please, save your pity. Save it for the thousands of Americans who live with the indignity of taco leg. They’re the ones who really need it.

Keep The Faith (In Our Michael Jackson Podcast)

Finally, Rollie and I reach the most dismal song on Dangerous and spend two hours trying to avoid talking about it. At least you will finally learn the origin of our friendship and a few interesting facts about Marilu Henner.

Yax Jax 012: “Keep The Faith”

Only two more episodes of this grand experiment. Then, of course, our wrap party episode, which will be five hours long I’m sure and guest star several hilarious and notable figures. #yaxxonjackson4life

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