I Have Created Art

This piece speaks on man’s inhumanity to man. I’ll sell the original print to the highest bidder. Click to embiggen.

Rod Is Dead, 2009; Microsoft Paint.

Boob Cruising In The Mall

…and other search engine terms people have used to get here this week that could also double as band names:

bart simpson is an asshole
bart simpson allegedly murdered
how to make him get a boner (innocent)
where’s my sammich?
richard nixon punching a bear
gordita tube
you ruined high school for me

Obviously, Where’s My Sammich? would be a ska band. The rest, ghostcore shoegaze retro-metal.

Menu For The Ramones-Themed Restaurant I Plan To Open One Day

HEY HO, LET’S GOs!
315 Bowery
New York, NY

“Where the elite meet ta eat (an’ sniff glue).”

EAT THAT RAT (APPETIZERS):

Blitzkrieg Poppers – jalapeño poppers served w/ creamy dipping sauce.

Adios Amigos – you’ll need a siesta after this nacho platter.

Chicken Beak Boy Strips – they’re free if you stand on the table and cluck like a chicken.

Joey’s Delight – a handful of wheat germin shoved in your mouth by your server.

TODAY YOUR LUNCH, TOMORROW THE WORLD:

Beat on the Bratwurst – what can you do with a brat like that? Eat it!

Havana Affiar – our delicious Cuban sandwich.

The Sloth – our regular cheeseburger.

The Animal Boy – our bacon cheeseburger.

The Wart Hog – our double bacon cheeseburger.

The Doofus of Erasmus – our triple bacon cheeseburger topped with onion rings.

Everytime I Eat This Vegetable Patty It Makes Me Think of You – for all the non-meat eaters at this gig.

NOW I WANNA EAT A GOOD SALAD:

The Cobb That Ate My Brain – sure to drive you crazy.

The Garden of Serenity – our delectable Caesar salad.

NOW I WANNA SNIFF SOME SOUP:

Cream of Chicken Beak Boy – served with a real beak!

Dee Dee’s Lobster Bisque – if you don’t like it, you can kiss his cherry red asshole!

YOU’RE GONNA EAT THAT DINNER:

Johnny’s Long Island Strip Steak – first rule is it comes with your choice of sides.

Teenage Lobsterbotomy – a mouthful in more ways than one.

Psycho Therapy Pasta Bowl – the ultimate comfort dish.

We’re a Happy Fajitas – stuffed with your choice of chicken, steak, or veggies.

Chicken Vindaloo – Joey’s favorite!

The Weasel Face – a BBQ platter including brisket, pulled pork, and ribs.

Too Tough To Diet – all you can eat ribs.

SOMEBODY PUT SOMETHING IN THESE DRINKS:

Rockaway Sex on the Beach – you’ll have to hitch a ride after this one.

Forest Hills Iced Tea – a favorite of bums everywhere.

My Brain is Hanging Upside Down – our twisted version of gin and tonic.

BRAIN DRAIN (DESSERTS):

Tommy’s Death By Chocolate – if it doesn’t kill you, the guilt will!

Richie’s Raspberry Cheesecake – all he wanted was some of that t-shirt money!

The Mervin – a giant bowl of vanilla or chocolate ice cream covered in melted fudge, nuts, banana slices, and topped with an obscene amount of whipped cream.

NOTES: All the servers at HEY HO, LET’S GOs! will wear ripped jeans with sleeveless Mickey Mouse t-shirts. Naturally, there will be tons of goofy Ramones crap on the walls (tubes of glue, Pinhead masks). Whenever it’s someone’s birthday, four guys in leather jackets will race out of the kitchen and reenact the Ramones’ famous appearance on “The Simpsons.”

Six Real-Life Deaths That Altered The Course Of “Simpsons” History

I pitched this article to the current list-happy version of Cracked about a month ago and they passed. A little too depressing, they said – at least I think that’s what they said; it was hard to hear through all my tears. Anywho, the darn thing came up in conversation recently and a couple of people expressed interest in reading it, so here it is, in all its first draft glory (please pardon the numerous tense changes).

SIX REAL-LIFE DEATHS THAT ALTERED THE COURSE OF “SIMPSONS” HISTORY

By James Greene, Jr.

The hilarious, self-contained world of “The Simpsons” is a fictional entity whose popularity at times has eclipsed that of Jesus, oxygen, and Walter Mondale. Yet the continuity of Homer and Bart’s fake yellow world has been interrupted and altered on several occasions by real life, three-dimensional expirations. Consider now these six instances of human mortality that forever skewed the show that birthed Kent Brockman and Disco Stu.

1. RICHARD NIXON

“Boo hoo, I’m dead.”

THE SITUATION: In the episode “Two Bad Neighbors,” notorious one termer George H.W. Bush moves across the street from the Simpson clan. This naturally leads to some classic hi-jinks as Bart becomes Jay North to Bush’s Joseph Kearns (or Gale Gordon, depending on which version of Mr. Wilson you preferred on the old “Dennis the Menace” TV show). After a wild climax involving a fight in the sewer and a box of locusts, George and Barbara vacate their Springfield residence, setting the stage for the entry of another infamous Commander-in-Chief.

POST-MORTEM: According to the Season 7 DVD commentary, the original choice for Springfield’s second presidential resident was perennial “Simpsons” punching bad Richard Nixon. However, Nixon died during the production of “Two Bad Neighbors,” and in a rare show of restraint, the writers decided not to kick the disgraced politician while he was permanently down. Their next idea was Bob Dole, who was gearing up for a presidential run the same year “Neighbors” aired (1996). That didn’t seem like a good gamble, considering Dole didn’t have a shred of a chance against incumbent Slick Willy Clinton. Eventually, it dawned on them – who was the only living former prez at the time who’d even consider hanging out with Homer? Gerald R. Ford. Thus, Jerry was dropped in for a satisfying “Two Bad Neighbors” conclusion.

2. ANTHONY PERKINS

Perkins in a pee-pee soaked heck hole.

THE SITUATION: “Last Exit To Springfield,” often considered the BEST…EPISODE…EVER, centered around Homer’s attempts to unionize the workers at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. One of the bald guy’s major motivations for this was his daughter Lisa, who needed braces the family couldn’t afford without the company’s oft-neglected “DENNAL PLAN!” A key role in this story was that of Lisa’s evil, creepy dentist. Originally, the part was offered to Anthony Hopkins; he turned it down, as did Clint “I Work With Baboons But I Don’t Do Cartoons” Eastwood. So Matt Groening and crew called up the third bone-chillin’-est guy in Hollywood – Norman Bates.

POST-MORTEM: Psycho star Anthony Perkins gladly accepted the role as sadistic Dr. Wolfe. Sadly, Perkins expired from an AIDS-related death on September 12, 1992, before he could record a line of dialogue. Dr. Wolfe’s role was filled by jack of all “Simpsons” voices Hank Azaria (who probably endured severe psychological damage of his own during that infamous turn in 1998’s Godzilla).

3. HAING S. NGOR

Fuck Don Ameche, comin’ straight from the underground.

THE SITUATION: Homer Simpson’s trophy case is noticeably barren in the bowling-themed episode “Team Homer.” In fact, the poor sap only has one trophy – an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor that he stole from Killing Fields actor Haing S. Ngor, scratching out Ngor’s name and carving in his own. As if Haing didn’t have enough trouble living under Cambodia’s Khmer Rouge in the late seventies, now he had to deal with that jerk-ass Mr. Plow guy swiping his Oscar.

POST-MORTEM: About a month after “Team Homer” aired in 1996, Haing S. Ngor was brutally murdered just outside his home in L.A.’s Chinatown area by alleged Khmer Rouge sympathizers. Refusing to let the actor’s memory be tarnished by Homer’s theft in subsequent reruns, “Simpsons” animators changed the Oscar in question to that of Don Ameche. Ameche, who won his statue for being all wrinkly and awesome in 1985’s Cocoon, had died in 1993 of prostate cancer. Thus, no one cared about fucking with his legacy.

4. DORIS GRAU

“‘Kay.”

THE SITUATION: Doris Grau was the “Simpsons” script supervisor, but more people knew her as the gravely voice of Lunchlady Doris. Under the guise of Springfield Elementary’s number one tater tot slinger, Doris offered up such classic lines as “More testicles mean more iron!” and a non-plussed response to Groundskeeper Willie’s passionate demand that she “grease” him up.

POST-MORTEM: Doris Grau died from lung cancer (who could have guessed?) on December 30, 1995, a scant eight days before the aforementioned “Team Homer” aired. The episode was dedicated to her memory and the character of Lunchlady Doris was retired out of respect…until 2006, when “The Simpsons” was so desperate to be good again they let Tress MacNeille take a crack at Doris’s smokey voice. The idea that “Team Homer” is a cursed “Simpsons” episode has yet to gain momentum outside of my apartment complex, but hopefully this article will help spread that around.

5. THE PASSANGERS OF THE EDMUND FITZGERALD

This boat was real.

THE SITUATION: The Season 3 entry “Radio Bart” featured one of the most amazing musical sequences in the history of “The Simpsons”: Homer Simpsons singing the 1970s trucking hit “Convoy.” Here was one of the stupidest characters in animation history singing one of the stupidest songs in American history on one of the stupidest devices in global history (the Superstar Celebrity Microphone). Comically, it was pure win. Originally, though, Homer J. was slated to sing another Carter-era hit, “The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald.”

POST MORTEM: Gordon Lightfoot’s 1976 hit seemed like perfect comic fodder for the Simpsons patriarch until creators learned of the unique royalty arrangement surrounding the song. Lightfoot had worked it out so that the surviving family members of those who perished aboard the titular bulk carrier (which sank in 1976 in Lake Superior) had to give their OK for the song to be used in any kind of media. With a death toll of 29, weaving through those associated with “Fitzgerald” seemed like a logistical nightmare. So the producers said, “Fuck it, let’s use that dumb-ass truck drivin’ song.”

6. PHIL HARTMAN

I remember him from such films as Houseguest and CB4.

THE SITUATION: Seasoned “SNL” funnyman Phil Hartman first appeared in the Season 2 episode “Bart Gets Hit By A Car” as smarmy attorney Lionel Hutz. A classic recurring character was instantly born thanks to Phil’s talents, but he didn’t stop there. Three episodes later, Hartman debuted struggling has-been actor Troy McClure, possibly the most hilarious and iconic “Simpsons” character outside the central yellow family. Although we didn’t literally remember him from such films as Leper In The Backfield, Dial ‘M’ For Murderousness, and They Came To Burgle Carnagie Hall, we gladly pretended we did and never tired of learning Troy’s past accomplishments.

POST-MORTEM: In perhaps the most bizarre, unexpected, and sad crime of the 1990s (next to Crystal Pepsi), Phil Hartman was shot to death by his mentally unstable wife Brynn (who shot herself the same day) on May 28, 1998. Troy McClure made his final “Simpsons” appearance that September on the episode “Bart The Mother.” Fans were devastated, knowing they’d never again hear the chipper, syrupy tones of Springfield’s favorite fish-philandering thespian. Perhaps the greatest creative casualty here was the instant death of the much-talked about live action Troy McClure movie Phil Hartman was apparently very keen on doing. That certainly seemed to have more rich comedic possibilities than the live action Krusty the Clown vehicle Matt Groening came up with in which Herschel Krustofsky lives in a house on stilts that’s constantly in danger of being destroyed by beavers (no, I am not making that up).

—

COMING SOON: More of my hilarious and insightful “Simpsons” episode reviews, plus a few naked pictures of the Capital City Goofball!

Millionaire Losing Job

It’s official – the lousy economy is affecting everyone. According to this interview with CNN, “Simpsons” creator Matt Groening and his long-running “Life In Hell” comic strip are being dropped from the LA Weekly after next week because the California alternative “can’t afford to pay.” This has caused Groening to consider ending “Hell,” despite the fact the strip currently runs in a load of other papers.

So many questions are raised here. How much was the LA Weekly paying Matt for “Life In Hell?” Enough that he’s already considering giving up the strip? What about all the other papers the thing runs in? Are they paying him? What’s the cost of markers these days? Can’t Matt Groening, who ostensibly makes enough money from “The Simpsons” and “Futurama” to live in a mansion twice as ostentatious at the one MC Hammer used to own, just do “Life In Hell” for the fans or for the fun of it? Why is he concerned about bank? Is he concerned about bank? Is this just a show of solidarity for all the other Weekly cartoonists losing their jobs?

Matt Groening, gimme some goddamn answers. Stop being so coy already, you Evergreen graduatin’, scruffy beard-havin’, animation creatin’ four-eyed American treasure.

Bart Simpson May Have Just Got Her Ass Fired

Nancy Cartwright has never struck me as the most “with it” or “hip” person. Call me a mad hater, but I’m not sure Nance understands what “The Simpsons” is all about. Exhibit A: in the Frequently Asked Questions section of her website, the voice actress remarks numerous times that she can’t believe she gets paid so much money to “burp and fart.” I’m sorry, but when was the last time Bart Simpson’s character revolved solely around gastronomical occurrences? Never? Yeah, that’s right. Even in those Tracey Ullman shorts, the little guy was attempting to discuss the concept of death with his father.

Exhibit B: Nancy’s 2000 book, My Life As A 10-Year-Old Boy. I’m pretty sure she’s the only member of “The Simpsons” cast to cash in this way, which is kind of sad when you consider the (far richer) careers of regulars like Harry Shearer and Julie Kavner. I flipped through Nancy’s slim volume once; I remember it kind of insulting my intelligence. The biggest revelation in 10-Year-Old Boy, if I’m remembering correctly, is the fact that Nancy Cartwright’s largest acting influence was the guy who voiced Huckleberry Hound. That would be Exhibit C.

I have a bunch of other evidence suggesting Nancy Cartwright “doesn’t get it,” like the fact I’ve never heard her on a “Simpsons” commentary track and the way she smiles, but all of that is irrelevant now in the face of some potentially devastating Scientology-related phone calls the actress allegedly made earlier this week:

No, I don’t understand what the hell she’s talking about – “auditing new OT-7?” Her “many wins?” Is she talking about Xenu or some awesome new video game? I don’t know. What I do know – or what I think I know – is Bart Simpson is the property of FOX Entertainment and cannot be appropriated for personal/religious purposes without the written consent of Matt Groening, twenty lawyers, and possibly some bonkers Australian. Like, Tim Allen can’t call people up as Buzz Lightyear and invite them to a “No On Prop 15″ rally because he thinks crossing guards should tuck their shirts in. Roy Disney would have his ASS in a VICE.

So did Nancy Cartwright just get her ass fired? Mmmm, maybe. I’m guessing (despite the Mariana Trench quality drop in recent years) that “The Simpsons” is still a pretty large revenue generator for FOX. They were renewed last year for three more seasons; beyond that, there could be films, spin-offs, and interactive media a la “The Simpsons Ride” on the horizon. This isn’t a TV show anymore; it’s an entertainment property. Bart Simpson is a big part of that property – some might say the core. Remove Bart and Homer has no foil; Milhouse, no friend; adults in general, no adversary. Whatever soul “The Simpsons” have left would be murdered O.J.-style if Bart was taken out.

Yet stranger things have happened. Valerie Harper was killed off on her show, and she was the main friggin’ character. Nearly the entire principle cast of “Happy Days” was gone when that show ended. Hell, I think Letterman and Leno logged more time behind Carson’s desk than Carson did in the late eighties. So I guess a Bart-less “Simpsons” isn’t inconceivable. It would be an amazing/shocking/sad/historical/kinda funny/totally crazy move, though.

Here are three predictions regarding the outcome of “Nancy’s Folly” that I will totally play up if any of them come true:

1. FOX, Groening, and Cartwright go to war. They kill Bart off on the show. “The Simpsons” ends. Everyone has a bitter taste in their mouth.

2. Cartwright is fired. They either replace her or write around Bart until the show ends (latter more likely). Everyone just kind of feels weird.

3. FOX docks the shit out of Cartwright’s pay. She continues voicing Bart begrudgingly because she wants to keep Scientology afloat with whatever money she’s got. The cast turns against her and the “Simpsons” oral history I write fifteen years from now has an awesome and super-juicy chapter about the behind-the-scenes feuding.

Now, some people are saying that perhaps the woman in this controversial recording is NOT Nancy Cartwright. To those people, I say your opinion is very cromulent.

P.S. – yes, I still plan on reviewing every single “Simpsons” episode ever. I had to give back the First Season DVDs I borrowed from my old roommate a while ago. Don’t worry, I’m going to buy my own set soon.

The Cornuzine Interviews: Harry Shearer

I used to do a website called Cornuzine. These are the interviews from it. For more info, read the first three paragraphs of this.

What can you say about Harry Shearer? He co-created Spinal Tap, wrote and performed on “Saturday Night Live,” had a memorable cameo in Wayne’s World 2, appeared in the 1994 Martin Short/Danny Glover comedy Pure Luck, and played Murray Sports in The Fish That Saved Pittsburg. On top of all that, Harry’s been with “The Simpsons” since the show began, giving life to such beloved characters as Mr. Burns, Waylon Smithers, Ned Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy, Principal Skinner, Lenny Leonard, Ranier Wolfcastle, and Kent Brockman.

In short, the man in a legend. So what the hell was Harry Shearer doing talking to me and my small-time waste of bandwidth five years ago?

I have no idea. I guess Harry’s just one of those celebrities you’d call “fan friendly.” That worked out in Cornuzine’s benefit, providing my rinky-dink website with its most prominent interview subject ever. So hats off to Harry Shearer. Hopefully this interview didn’t lead to whispers of slumming or his star fading. Read on to learn about Harry’s musical leanings, what he remembers of his experiences on “Leave It To Beaver” (Shearer played Eddie Haskell in the pilot episode), and who in his opinion was the weirdest “Simpsons” guest star.

HARRY SHEARER: HANDSOME DAN & BEYOND

JAMES GREENE JR: You don’t strike me as the type of guy who particularly enjoys heavy metal. Do you have any appreciation for it (beyond its unintentional ridiculousness) or has it always seemed like a really bad joke to you?

HARRY SHEARER: More of the latter, although it is fun to play.

JG2: Mmm. When I was watching the “Inside The Actors Studio” with the cast of “The Simpsons,” I couldn’t help but notice that Julie Kavner wasn’t around for the second half of the show. Did she get sick or something?

HS: She had a train to catch. The taping ran almost six hours.

JG2: Six hours?!? That’s insane! Did it irk you at all, sitting their for that long talking as Ranier Wolfcastle and the like, or did you enjoy it?

HS: Irked and enjoyed, at different points in the proceedings.

JG2: I was reading on your website that you were banned from the Fox News Channel because of your book It’s The Stupidity, Stupid. I hadn’t heard anything about this. Care to explain just what happened?

HS: It’s a long story, but, in an interview on MSNBC (what was I thinking?), they bumped to commercial with a quote from the book comparing Dick Morris’ proclivity for sucking hookers’ toes (remember that?) to his working for Rupert Murdoch. Either Roger Ailes or his number one flunky saw that, took great offense (although Morris also works for Murdoch’s New York Post), and had my pending appearances to discuss the book on FNC cancelled.

JG2: That’s totally lame. The Dick Morris thing isn’t even that controversial. What a pisser. Moving on – you screen tested for the role of Eddie Haskell. Do you have any idea why they didn’t pick you? You couldn’t have been that bad, because you did end up on one or two episodes of “Leave It To Beaver,” didn’t you?

HS: I don’t think I ever did any episodes of “Beaver,” and I don’t know whether I wasn’t picked or whether my parents, after I shot the pilot, decided it was a bad idea for me to co-star in a show. I know they felt that way, but I don’t know whether they withdrew me from consideration.

JG2: Did they not want you to miss your childhood or get completely warped from being on a t.v. show that young?

HS: They didn’t want me to costar in a show. They were cool with me working occasionally.

JG2: Ah. One of the highlights of Wayne’s World 2 was your appearance as Handsome Dan. I could literally watch that part for hours. I’d go so far as to say that made me laugh harder than any part of This Is Spinal Tap. How does that make you feel? I mean, do people ever tell you that they love Handsome Dan?

HS: Yeah, somebody’s told me about loving virtually everything I’ve done. That one was kind of weird, because it involved reprising, in a slimmed down way, a sketch I’d done years earlier on SNL, and I always feel weird repeating myself that way. I always feel weird repeating myself that way.

JG2: On “The Simpsons,” do you ever record your voice work along side the guest stars? If so, have there been any memorable exchanges between yourself and one of the show’s guests?

HS: Usually the guests show up on their own schedule. Weirdest one to show up with us was, natch, Michael Jackson, who did the speaking part himself, but had an MJ impersonator do the singing in the show. I guess we weren’t paying him enough.

JG2: Of all the people that I’d think would come whenever he pleased…speaking of that business, has anyone ever asked you to call up their kids as Mr. Burns or Ned Flanders for a birthday or anything? Have you ever called someone as a Simpsons character just to screw with their minds?

HS: Nope.

JG2: Okay! You once stated that you enjoy any bass line Victor Wooten plays. Color me ignorant, but just who is this Victor Wooten? Please, provide me with some quick information on this favorite bass player of yours.

HS: He’s a remarkable player, usually seen with Bela Fleck’s band.

JG2: A Flecktone! You also like the Beatles, don’t you? What do you think of the fact that Paul and Ringo are still out there playing?

HS: Yes, I’m a fan. I think it’s great they’re still playing, what are they supposed to do, write letters to The Times of London?

JG2: Yes, that’s exactly what they’re supposed to do! Finally, was that your real mustache in This Is Spinal Tap?

HS: It was real in the sense that, yes, it was growing on my face at the time.

JG2: Wow.

- Cornuzine.com, 6/3/03

HARRY SHEARER’S TOP FIVE FAVORITE BASS LINES

Relayed to me sometime before the preceding interview for a much smaller, less significant feature:

1. McCartney’s on “Lady Madonna”
2. Whoever played with Robert Kraft on “a song for miles”
3. Horace Silver’s bass player on “Senor Blues”
4. Anything Victor Wooten plays
5. George Porter Jr.’s part on The Meters’ “Hey Pocky Way”

Why? Because, as Harry noted, “they swing.”

Unsolicited Simpsons Review: Homer’s Odyssey

I bet you forgot I was reviewing every episode of “The Simpsons” ever made. Well, I sure as hell didn’t forget!

Episode #3
“Homer’s Odyssey”

Original airdate: January 21, 1990

Plot: After losing his job and growing despondent, Homer inadvertently becomes a public safety crusader.

Iconic element(s): Waylon Smithers makes his first appearance in this outing and, for some reason, he’s black (according to Wikipedia, this was a mistake on the part of “Simpsons” color stylist Gyorgi Peluci; Smithers was apparently always meant to be yellow).

Jokes that made me laugh out loud: Ms. Krapabble insisting Bart will sing “John Henry Was A Steal Drivin’ Man” if he misbehaves; Homer’s praise of the donuts he’s eating (“I defy anyone to tell the difference between these donuts and ones baked today!”); Loaftime, the T.V. show Homer watches while in the throes of depression; pretty much everything Mr. Burns says, especially the Jolson reference.

Notes: This episode has an unusually happy ending. Homer manages to keep his new job at the power plant without being branded a sellout or a stooge by the supporters of his public safety campaign. People seem to believe Homer will have no trouble cleaning up Springfield Nuclear from the inside, despite having been previously fired from the same plant for causing a serious accident (with school children present, no less) and apparently lacking the smarts to efficiently kill himself (you’re supposed to find a bridge to leap from first and then tie yourself to a giant boulder, not vice versa).

I can’t help but think if “Homer’s Odyssey” had been produced a few seasons later, the crowd would have turned on Homer and the last scene would be one of those family couch moments where Marge and the kids offer sarcastic, cynical (if not heartfelt) advice. Then again, a good chunk of this episode revolves around the main character’s plan to commit suicide. I guess in a case like that you have to end super upbeat. Not that I’m complaining; this bastard’s got a solid story and plenty of fast, funny jokes.

I remember the first time I caught this episode in syndication, long after “The Simpsons” had established all the basic major and minor players, and being completely blown away by the fact Smithers was originally black. How could I not remember that? I guess I was still caught up in Bartmania at the time “Homer’s Odyssey” first aired and I wasn’t really paying attention to the window dressing characters. Anyway, seeing black Smithers (B.S. for short) was weird and exciting, and it’s certainly been a talking point in nearly every extended conversation I’ve ever had about “The Simpsons.”

For a show that loves to play with its own history so much, I’m surprised there haven’t been more references to B.S. I’m also surprised B.S. hasn’t been the subject of a wildly popular Internet meme the kids seem to go so crazy for these days. Where were you on that one, Matrix-obsessed members of Generation Y?

Grade: Three Black Smitherses (out of four).

Unsolicited Simpsons Review: Bart the Genius

With America’s favorite yellow family all over the news this week (their new ride opened at Universal Studios yesterday; news broke today that the cast is apparently asking for another pay raise before Season 20 starts), why not post my second completely unwarranted and entirely unnecessary “Simpsons” review? Show me a reason not to and I’ll show you my five-sided fistagon!

Episode #2
“Bart the Genius”

Original airdate: January 14, 1990

Plot: Bart exacts his revenge upon a fellow classmate by swapping tests; this lands the spiky-haired Simpson in a school for geniuses where he clearly does not belong.

Iconic element(s): This episode marks the introduction of Bart’s less-hilarious-every-time-you-hear-it catchphrase “Eat my shorts.” The famed “Kwyjibo” also stems from this outing, a term Bart claims is slang for “a big dumb, balding North American ape with no chin and a short temper.”

Jokes that made me laugh out loud: Homer’s lament at the opera (“Geez, no beer, no opera dogs…”).

Notes: Thematically speaking, “Bart the Genius” covers a lot of territory. Aside from teaching us that cheating is bad because it might paint you into a corner where kids who are smarter than you will con you out of your lunch via scientific mumbo-jumbo, it also highlights the following important life lessons:

- One out of four Americans hates playing Scrabble
- Weiner is an acceptable spelling of wiener
- Word problems can be frustrating enough to lead to petty crime
- Intelligent people often like lame humor (“R D R R!”)
- Father/son kisses are generally pretty awkward

All true, all extremely valuable.

This is the “Simpsons” episode that established the fact Bart was America’s newest bad-ass. Look out, citizens of 1990! This kid steals bus stop signs! He vandalizes his school during recess! He mixes acids and bases! Ooh, what a lil’ stinker! He makes Dennis the Menace look like Beaver Cleaver, so watch your back, Father Knows Best! This kid has a slingshot and no respect for authority!

Of course, Bart was a little more fleshed out than all the critics would have liked to believe. Regret and guilt nag at Marge’s special little guy throughout his first flagship outing, eventually leading to a heartfelt confession at journey’s end (Homer, naturally, is enraged by his son’s lies, which spurns the classic naked green chase sequence that concludes “Bart the Genius”). Sure, Bart would have his epic misadventures in years to come, but the kid clearly had/has some pathos.

I mean, he’s not like this surly nightmare.

You know what’s strange about this episode? After Bart switches tests, we never see what kind of hell Martin goes through with his erroneous results. Do his parents ground him from Computer Camp? Does the school put him in a remedial class? I feel like they missed a great opportunity for some awesome gags there. Who knows, maybe they wrote some stuff and it got cut out it.

I’d also like to point out that the depiction of Krusty on the cereal box seen in “Bart the Genius” is frightening as hell. Jesus Christ. Off model much?

One more thing: did any of the palindrome kid’s palindromes actually work? I don’t think they did. I’m too lazy to look at the show again to make sure, but I found myself repeating them a few times in my head during that scene because some of the letters weren’t adding up.

Grade: Three R D R Rs (out of four).

Unsolicited Simpsons Review Number One

Hey everybody, JG2 here. This entry marks the beginning of my epic attempt to review every single episode of “The Simpsons” ever made. For some reason, the complete deconstruction of my favorite television show via this blog seems very important to me right now. I might lose steam over the course of this project, but I vow to keep on truckin’ until Dan Castellaneta shows up at my house and beats me to death with a tire iron. Hey, stranger things have happened (“Pink Lady and Jeff,” for instance).

Well, enough babblin’. Let’s get to the reviewin’. Enjoy!

Episode #1
“Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire”

Original airdate: December 17, 1989

Plot: Christmas finds the Simpsons family light in the wallet, leading Homer to literally gamble what little he has left at the dog track.

Iconic element(s): It’s the first goddamn episode of “The Simpsons.” Only episode without the famed “Journey Through Springfield” opening sequence.

Jokes that made me laugh out loud: “It says it’s for dogs, but she can’t read!” (Homer while buying a doggie chew toy for Maggie); when Homer incorrectly guesses that Donna Dixon is one of Santa’s reindeer.

Notes: I don’t think anything in life has made me happier than the success and longevity of “The Simpsons.” It seemed everything else I decided I liked when I was a kid was completely wrong. Howard the Duck. “Weird Al” Yankovic. Crystal Pepsi. You know, the kind of stuff normal people avoided like the plague and relentlessly teased me for adoring. I was really surprised when I watched an episode of the otherwise painful “Tracy Ullman Show” one late eighties evening with my cousin and she started laughing when one of the “Simpsons” segments came on.

“You think this is funny, too?” I thought or possibly said in disbelief. “Huh, maybe I’m not crazy after all.”

Then the Comedy Gods dropped this Christmas special on us. It seemed like a miracle. At the time, my only TV wish was for a full half hour of “The Simpsons” with no interruptions from that zany British lady and her vast array of stupid, ugly wigs. The only experience that trumped “Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire” that holiday season was finally being allowed to see Tim Burton’s Batman, a film my mother originally deemed “too violent” for me when it was in theaters. These two unprecedented events made Christmas ‘89 one of the best weeks of my young, root beer-soaked life.

You can imagine my glee when I found out “The Simpsons” was going to be a regular series. Add nine pounds of extra glee for the Beatle-esque hysteria that gripped the country during the show’s first two seasons. Take out your glee bazooka, level it at my chest, and blow me to pieces when “The Simpsons” increased in quality every season, introduced exciting new vernacular into our lexicon, and became a cultural touchstone. Vaporize me with your glee neutron bomb that we now live in an age where “The Simpsons” is unquestionably regarded as one of mankind’s greatest accomplishments and is consistently voted one of the best…shows…ever.

That the show evolved so steadily spelled doom for the initial two to three seasons, which today are generally regarded as crude, rudimentary, and sometimes flat-out painful. Granted, there are a few really rough entries in the early “Simpsons” canon, but “Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire” is not one of them. It’s evenly paced, features a handful of great jokes, and manages to exposit the characters and their basic traits without being trite or over the top. More importantly, this inaugural “Simpsons” manages to tell a heartwarming Christmas story sans the usual sap and pandering.

All this seems pretty amazing until you discover the “first” episode of “The Simpsons” was actually the eighth program produced for season one (some kind of animation snafu caused a major scheduling problem; the show was originally supposed to premiere in the Fall of ‘89). By then, everyone involved with the show clearly had their footing. Call it fate, call it dumb luck – at any rate, this was the lead off “Simpsons,” and it immediately connected with its intended audience (rowdy kids, kids at heart, people who hated Tracy Ullman). At the very least, “The Simpsons” and their hard luck financial story would return for the next couple of holiday seasons, so long as FOX had a hole in their Thursday night line-up.

Something interesting that struck me while watching this episode for the umpteenth time: it was made back when tattoos were still kind of taboo. Thus, the whole “Bart gets a tattoo” plot/subplot seemed pretty wild at the time. I guess I’d still be pretty shocked today if I saw a ten year old with some boss ink, but not like I would have been back when I was ten. Seeing anyone with a tattoo was really something in 1989. Of course, that could have been because I was the only child of an upper class Connecticut couple that never took me anywhere more exotic than Long Island. Male earrings seemed pretty wild to me back then.

The “Rudolph” sing-a-long was a good note to go out on. I wish they had done more of that kind of thing throughout the series’ run. The only other cold credit sequence I can think of off the top of my head is from the episode U2 guested on (that whole “spoon collecting” bit).

Grade: Three and a half Donna Dixons (out of four).