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[Gratuitous Picture of Delta Burke Thursday]

The Greatest Trick Spacey’s Hair Ever Pulled

It’s been nineteen years since The Usual Suspects came out, and the “Who is Keyser Söze?” debates have fallen dormant. So let us now attempt to unravel the mystery of Kevin Spacey’s hair in that movie. Is it a widow’s peak? Is it a fuckin’ devilock? I choose to believe the latter. Spacey is obvz a closet Misfits fan and this was his subtle tribute.

Alternate title for this post: YO I JUST WATCHED THIS OLD ASS MOVIE ON NETFLIX

Unsolicited Thoughts/Notes On 30 For 30: The Price Of Gold

- sometimes you read stories about our armed forces blasting heavy metal at foreign dictators to ferret them out of fortified compounds but what they really need to use is the audio of Nancy Kerrigan reeling in pain during the aftermath of her 1994 attack; that unhinged wailing jostles the moorings of my soul

- Tonya Harding’s mom dressing like a nefarious super villain (mink stole and a parrot on her shoulder?) would be funny if she hadn’t been so terrible to her daughter in her youth

- whether or not you believe Harding was in on the pre-attack conspiracy I think we can all agree the men involved made the Sweathogs look like Rhodes Scholars

- if Harding masterminded the attack, what a shame she didn’t believe in her own talents (she had already bested Kerrigan once in a 1991 World Championship); if Harding had nothing to do with the attack, what a shame she couldn’t put her issues with Kerrigan aside and reach out immediately to say, “Hey, I’m sorry, I married this clown but I want to make sure we’re square before things go any further” (Harding tried to apologize much later during an Olympic practice but Kerrigan made her talk to the hand ’cause the face wasn’t listenin’)

- the person my heart goes out to most in all of this is Michelle Kwan; Kwan won her right to compete in the ’94 Olympics by placing second in the U.S. Championships, but the ice skating powers that be decided Kerrigan would have clinched that spot had she not been clubbed…so they gave Kerrigan Kwan’s spot and sent Kwan to Norway as a non-competing alternate, which is a supremely shitty thing to do to a thirteen year old, if you ask me

- shady character Shawn Eckhardt (Harding’s bodyguard, now deceased) sort of resembled William Hootkins, the actor who played shady character Max Eckhardt in the first Batman; Shawn later changed his name to Brian Griffith, which is so very close to the name of portly “Family Guy” character Brian Griffin (whom he also sort of resembled)

- Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly changed his name to Jeff Stone, which is boring as hell and robs us of our god-given right to enjoy the mirth that inherently surrounds “Gillooly”

- this documentary takes the high road, making no mention of the Tonya Harding sex tape or Harding’s “foxy” boxing bout against Paula Jones

Historic Artifact?

You know what this means: people were throwing their letters in that thing until they put the sign up. Guess they get a lot of overflow from 1921.

Signage spotted in the lobby of the Hampton Inn, downtown Chicago, where I am not staying. I need a hotel with a working mail chute!

No Dogs, No Dogs, And No Dogs

“I think, since you post so much about your family and how happy you are all the time, people would be really surprised if you had a status update that was a Vladimir Lenin quote…or, like, something about Reservoir Dogs.”

The woman’s eyes widened.

“I couldn’t even finish that movie!” She exclaimed. “I had to shut it off, it was too—”

“I want to see it!” interrupted her second grader, looking up from her book with a wide smile.

“You can’t.”

“Awwww!”

“There are no dogs in it,” her father stated matter-of-factly.

“What? Why would they give it a name like that then?” the child asked, still smiling but with a furrowed brow.

No one—not Mother, not Father, nor I the visiting satellite adult—could provide an answer. The conversation lurched elsewhere.

She can Google it in a few years, I thought.

Humorous Photo Taken

Thank you, Michael Poley, for capturing on film the religious epiphany I experienced two weeks ago at Gatorland. O reptilian lord, please accept me as I am, imprisoned in this inferior saggy pink flesh.

Guess Who Else They’re Putting In The Next Superman Movie

I’m kidding you, of course. This huckleberry won’t be showing up until the Justice League movie, which is just gonna be a two hour episode of “Match Game.” “Aquaman is so annoying, he always puts his fish in my ‘blank!’”

“There’s Three Of You, You’re Not Exactly ‘Lone.’”

This holiday weekend, as you settle in to watch How About Jack Sparrow Is An Indian? And Maybe There’s Another Guy?, don’t forget the original fight for law and order in the early west across 1990s FM airwaves. Ah, those thrilling days of yesteryear when terrestrial radio still mattered. I’ll argue to my grave that first half of this movie is brilliant (everything hits a wall when they give us that scene of Brendan Fraser sulking to “Unsatisfied,” as if the headbanger Chazz Darvey would even know who the Replacements are).

It is kind of weird, though, that for Airheads’ duration no one counters the running gag of “three guys called the Lone Rangers?” by pointing out the original Lone Ranger never thwarted a bank robbery or saved a maiden fair without assistance from Tonto. I mean, how did he even get that name if someone was always with him? He wasn’t even lone when he became the Lone Ranger—he rode into that ambush with eight of his brothers, right? Sheesh, this guy’s more like the Co-Dependent Ranger if you ask me.

And another thing: If James Bond is so fucking famous, how come in every one of his stupid movies he has to introduce himself? “You’re the most handsome man in this casino, you’re winning every round, you’re also the only Scottish guy here—what was your name again?”

I’m going to workshop these bits tonight at the Comedy Hutch in Ocala. Come on out, two for one drinks!

Another Artistic Photo Of Plastic

Here we see the heavily-rumored conga sequence from J.J. Abrams’ forthcoming Star Wars movie wherein Luke dances with himself, Lando Calrissian, and a bunch of dead people.

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