Carlton Knows Breakdancing Secrets!

I remember seeing this commercial for the first time seven or eight years ago. My girlfriend at the time had about four hours of USA’s “Cartoon Express” on video tape; we killed an afternoon watching the entire thing once, and the Breakin’ and Poppin’ ad came on approximately every five seconds. If you think Alfonso’s spiel is funny the first time, try viewing it repeatedly for a number of hours interspersed with shitty Reagan-era animated tripe.

There was a high demand in the eighties for breakdancing secrets. I certainly thought back then if I could master the mysterious art of poppin’ and lockin’ I’d have a much more fulfilling life. Of course, back then I also thought female genitalia operated like the giant beast from Alien. My mother had the birds and bees talk with me when I was way too young to understand it. As a result, I gleaned most of my sexual knowledge from monster movies. This is why I brought condoms and a chainsaw with me on my first date in high school.

But I digress. I wonder how Alfonso feels about Breakin’ and Poppin’ now. Do you think he still has the moves? He clearly still had them when he was on “Fresh Prince”:

Go Carlton, it’s your birthday! I wonder if he’ll agree to dance at my wedding. I’d get a real kick out of that.

Unsolicited Hellboy Review

Hellboy
Starring: Ron Perlman, John Hurt, Selma Blair
Director by Guillermo del Toro
2004

The conversation that lead to me watching Hellboy Sunday afternoon, held Friday afternoon at approximately 3:00 P.M. EST (JG = me; JP = my friend John P-Quad):

JG: We need to party this weekend.
JP: We should see Dark Knight.
JG: Ah, I already made plans to see that with someone else.
JP: Fuck. Would you want to see Hellboy 2?
JG: I never saw Hellboy 1.
JP: Come over to my house Sunday and watch it. Then we can go see Hellboy 2.
JG: Okay.

I didn’t end up going with John to see Hellboy 2 because I didn’t think Hellboy 1 was all that great. The idea was awesome, but the execution was lacking. I’m all about Nazis attempting to exploit the occult for their own personal and political gain; I’m also all about Rasputin conjuring up tons of evil and seducing Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS. I can also get down on the idea of orphaned demon Hellboy being raised by the U.S. government and having a Bigfoot/Roswell-type mystique surrounding his alleged existence. Hell, I’ll even take that gill monster who plays with a Rubik’s Cube and has David Hyde Pierce’s voice.

However, something just wasn’t coming together in this flick for me. I think the biggest problem was that every villain in Hellboy was set up to be invincible/immortal/invulnerable, so it was like what’s the point of even fighting them? They each die at least once and then magically come back to life or lay eggs somewhere or regenerate or whatever. I don’t know, maybe I missed something, but I’m not sure what it was exactly that Hellboy did at the end of the movie that finally offed Rasputin, the Nazis, and the slew of trans-dimensional creatures they brought to the surface of Earth once and for all. I know at one point his FBI partner handed him a grenade belt that wasn’t working; a minute later, Hellboy shoved the belt down a monster’s throat and it magically blew up. I guess that’s the power of the Devil for you.

At least it was good to see Selma Blair working. She played Hellboy’s pyrokinetic love interest. Jeffrey Tambor had a couple of good scenes as the stuffy FBI director who disagreed with Hellboy’s loose cannon ways. I can think of worse movies to watch on a Sunday afternoon.

Final grade: two and a half mask-wearing Nazi scientists (out of four).

Man, I really need to come up with my own unique unit of measurement for these reviews. I’ll get right on that.

Unsolicited Dark Knight Review

The Dark Knight
Starring: Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Maggie Gyllenhaal
Directed by Christopher Nolan
2008

WARNING: The following article contains a handful of spoilers so potent and explosive they will not only ruin The Dark Knight if you haven’t seen it, they will also completely destroy the fabric of your reality. I’m not even kidding. Do not read the following review if you currently enjoy life on any level at all. Titanic pain awaits. You have been warned.

So Bruce Wayne is Batman. OMG, WTF. Also, there’s no goddamn surfing anywhere in this fuckin’ movie.

Before I say anything else regarding this film, I’d like to brag about the fact I saw The Dark Knight on opening night in Union Square in NEW YORK CITY. In order to accomplish this incredible, Herculean feat, I had to purchase tickets immediately upon leaving the theater after viewing Batman Begins in 2005.

“We’re not even sure they’re making a sequel yet,” the elderly usher told me that night. “But you’d better buy these anyway, just in case.”

It should also be noted that I saw exactly one person “in costume” for this premiere. A chubby kid in o-fficial Heath Ledger Joker make-up and an o-fficial Heath Ledger Joker t-shirt was milling about, looking a little too Marilyn Manson fan circa 1996. This kid’s ghoulish visage was almost as frightening as the time I walked by my local cineplex the night Austin Powers 3 came out and spotted three underfed dweebs in ruffled shirts, nerd glasses, and false teeth gesticulating wildly for local news cameras. Needless to say, I fled for my life that evening and took several cold showers when I got home.

Back to the movie. The Dark Knight is just as good as everyone says it is. Thrills, chills, spills, pills, kills, drills, hills, frills, bills, and grills - this movie’s got it all, plus Anthony Michael Hall. The most entertaining and exciting Batman flick since Keaton first donned the suit in ‘89. The only thing keeping TDK from exceeding that landmark film is ol’ Bats himself. Same issues I had with Batman Begins: the suit looks like a pile of misshapen clay, Christian Bale insists on growling like Joe Cancer while he’s in it, and the Batmobile is that all-terrain redneck nightmare I’d rather see crushing cars at a monster truck rally. Thankfully Bale was likable enough outside the cowl to make me root for his funky alter ego.

The story was nice and believable, too, grounded in some kind of normal crime reality. No wacky mind-altering gas, no penguins with missiles strapped to their backs, no dehydrating world leaders - just robbing, stealing, shooting, stabbing, beating, and a handful of bombs for good measure. Batman has some pretty silly high-tech crap (the tool he uses near the end of the film is some straight-up Metal Gear Solid video game-type wizardry), but as Homer Simpson once cheerfully pointed out to his wife, the Caped Crusader is a scientist. If he’s clever enough to keep that stupid car hidden, I’ll believe he can (SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER OH GOD SPOILERS ARE REAL FTW!) manipulate every cell phone in Gotham City.

And now I must address Heath Ledger. Does the late Aussie’s turn in The Dark Knight make every other performance in the entire history of acting look like a festering pile of diseased whale cock or merely the filthy, worm-ridden butt of a three-legged junkyard dog? I don’t know. All I can tell you for sure is the Ledge does a winning job bringing the Joker to life, transforming the beloved comic villain into the psychotic demon we always knew he could be. The Joker’s first major scene in Dark Knight will probably go down as one of cinema’s most awesome moments, right up there with Robert Shaw’s grizzly death in Jaws and that totally bad-ass part in The Untouchables where Andy Garcia shoots all those dudes while sliding down the staircase on his back (Andy Garcia, you just pwnd Capone! LOL).

Final grade for The Dark Knight? Four super-rich, strep throat-afflicted superheroes out of four. This movie is textured, satisfying cool, the kind that doesn’t come along too often. It’s worth the price of admission and then some.

Now, as is tradition once a new Batman film has been released, let us begin speculating/postulating/spreading crazy, crazy lies about who or what will appear in the sequel. I officially put forth the following theories for Batman 3, Gotham 0:

- Damon Wayans as the Riddler, a collegiate Kaczynski-type who terrorizes the citizens of Gotham while retaining the ability to walk among them (of course, the studio would probably save a lot of money if they just hired this guy to play the Riddler)

- Christopher Lloyd as Mr. Freeze, a global warming watchdog who takes things just a bit too far

- Cee-Lo from Gnarls Barkley as the Penguin, suave affluent hipster who seduces high society socialites with his soulful singing and then beats them to death with his umbrella

- Jack Black as King Tut, the bipolar Professor who wants to kidnap Batman and take him back to ancient Egypt for the ultimate paaaaar-TAAAAAYY!!!

- The Jonas Brothers as all three Robins, simultaneously helping Batman solve crime while making pre-teen Gotham hearts swoon with their popular brand of faith-based pop rock

- CGI Ace the Bat-Hound voiced by a very bitter and sarcastic Norm MacDonald

- Yakoff Smirnoff as the weird Russian Batman who resides on Earth-30 in the alternate DC comics universe

- Verne Troyer as Bat-Mite (you saw it coming and there was nothing you could do)

None of this, I repeat, none of this is more insane or stupid than anything that was in Batman and Robin.

Why So Serious?

Going to see The Dark Knight tonight. If there’s no surfing in it, I’m demanding my money back.

X-Files Movie Haiku

I want to believe
they put Xzibit in there
because of his name.

Fake George McFly Speaks!

I was just over at IFC.com reading this article about how weird it is when certain actors are replaced in high profile sequels. Of course they mention Jeffrey Weissman, the unlucky fake Shemp who stepped in to play George McFly in Back to the Future II when Crispin Glover made too many crazy demands to return. This spurned a pretty famous lawsuit that made Crispy a very rich man and changed some actor’s likeness law.

ANYWAY, at the bottom of the article, the first comment is from none other than Jeffrey Weissman himself. OMG, LOL! Jeff sheds a little more light on the entire dual George McFly situation, saying:

“I was kept in the dark about what I was going to be doing on Back to the Future pt.2 ’til just about two days before the shoot. I was told by casting that I was up for being a photo double, even a stand in, when I was up for the part. I even called Crispin to ask his help in getting the work to help pay for my coming second child’s birth (I had worked on an AFI film with him & Dan O’Herlihy, and enjoyed watching his work, a year before the 1st BttF film).

When I found out Crispin was not doing the sequels, which seemed to me unimaginable, I proceeded to work with mixed feelings (mostly feeling like a scab because of all the weird reactions and treatment on set). I was called by Crispin’s name by the director among others, and I was told that the hanging upside down as George in the McFly household of 2015 was to torture Crispin for being such a pain in the ass on the first film. Oddly, I was cut from the making of docu-film, and…several promotions that I tried to do to further my career had the plug mysteriously pulled. Ahh, Hollywood.

I heard that Mr. Glover got $760,000.00 in the settlement.”

In the immortal words of Beck, that’s some straight-up new jack horse crap. Don’t worry, Jeff. I’ve worked both you and Crispin into my script for Back to the Future 4: Einstein’s Lament. You play George’s twin brother and shipping magnate Grover McFly. Megan Fox will play your wife. In one scene, you get to shoot E.T. directly in the face. Then the Ghostbusters show up and things get really crazy.

Crazy Ass Dream: Basketball Metallica Camp

I just woke up from this bizarre scenario in which I was a counselor at a Summer camp for kids who wanted to meet old basketball stars, unknown basketball prospects from Africa, and Metallica. All I really remember is Metallica trying to leave and a number of children convincing them to jump in the pool with their clothes on. Then there was this massive end-all game of hoops in which teams were ill-defined and we played with a bouncy ball. I remember passing to Dr. J. At one point, some kid from Kenya was on my back (literally) as I went for a shot. It missed the official hoop, but it eventually landed in the green and yellow kiddie hoop (which was right next to the official hoop). I credited my skills to a cheese-free diet.

Happy Bastille Day

I’ve honored the French and their historic revolution by penning a stirring remembrance of the 1978 Mark Hamill comedy Corvette Summer. I hope this piece fills all citizens of France with pride, honor, and other strong feelings regarding Danny Bonaduce.

By the way, Mark Hamill was funny on purpose once: when he guest starred on that one episode of “Just Shoot Me.” I still quote his line about bringing your own cone into Baskin Robbins constantly.

Behold, The Mighty Niagara Falls

Click to make more mighty:

This is how I celebrated my Independence Day this year - by driving six hours north of New York City to look at a giant Canadian waterfall. It was the best July 4th I’ve ever had.

Look at that goddamn rainbow. Isn’t that awe-inspiring? These photos, by the way, were taken from the famous Maid of the Mist boat tour. Surprisingly, I did not vomit on this short sea-faring adventure. I credit a lunch of one rocky road ice cream cone at the U.S. Welcome Center for that.

Here’s a view of the American falls. You can see some of Ontario in the background. I was gonna go over to the Canuck side, but it looked kind of trashy. I don’t trust any place that has a Planet Hollywood and a Hard Rock Cafe so close to one another. Even the entrance looked dubious:

Was this the entrance to another country or the Bronx Zoo? I couldn’t tell. Neither could the guy in this picture, who looks more confused than an American should be on the Fourth of July.

Here’s proof I was actually there and didn’t just pull these photos from someone else’s travel blog.

While in the general area, I decided to pay a visit to Buffalo. How could I pass up the chance to see the city that gave the world F. Scott Fitzgerald, the Goo Goo Dolls, AND Weezer drummer Patrick Wilson?

Buffalo is also where President William McKinley was assassinated in 1901. That giant obelisk in front of city hall was erected in his honor. Two other U.S. Presidents are associated with Buffalo: Millard Fillmore, who grew up in the area and is buried in the city’s Forest Lawn Cemetery (near Rick James, bitch!), and Grover Cleveland, who was once Buffalo’s Mayor. Those dudes have statues near the giant white McKinley penis.

Here I am chillin’ with ol’ Millie, my favorite New York State Comptroller. Represent!

While in Buffalo, yes, I did have Buffalo wings. Yes, they were better than any other Buffalo wings I’ve ever had. I was also accosted by a member of Buffalo’s Church of Scientology while strolling down the city’s bucolic Main Street. I bring this up only because Churchy looked like William Katt of “Greatest American Hero” fame. Curly blond hair, weird-lookin’ face…he was even wearing a bright red shirt. Creepy.

Before leaving for good, I went back to Niagara Falls to take the “Cave of the Winds” tour. This ten dollar journey lets you walk right up to the American falls so you can get pummeled by their massive watery force. Seriously, you go down an elevator, walk around a crudely constructed deck, and WHAMMO! Niagara Falls is washing over you, preventing you from seeing or breathing or being dry ever again in your life. It’s lots of fun.

Now that’s the face of a happy idiot.

JG2’s Niagara Falls travel tips:

- If you forget your passport and are worried about getting into Canada/the U.S., just pretend to be Amish. I saw a whole family of Ahms get into Canada, and they didn’t have anything proving who they were beyond their beards, long skirts, and pleasant demeanors.

- Don’t try to sell hot dogs illegally outside the U.S. Welcome Center. The cops will shut you down quickly and without mercy, no matter how tasty your sausages are.

- Don’t try to direct traffic outside the U.S. Welcome Center, especially if you are drunk and from Arkansas. You will most likely be run over by zealous Canadian tourists.

Speaking of Star Wars…

This article details how I wasted eleven months of my life watching that wonderful film with the sound off. Strange but true.