Tag Archive | Return of the Jedi

Uncle Jim’s Bathroom Snoozer: The Best Of JG2Land 2013

I posted a lot of stuff on the blog this year; the following pieces are those of which I am most proud.

Joe Flaherty Is Always Behind Us, Metaphorically Speaking
Awesome Ideas For Gremlins 3
Q: What’s The Worst Concert You’ve Ever Attended?
Q: What’s The Best Concert You’ve Ever Attended?
Area Man Has Opinion On Oscar-Nominated Short
Q: Why Don’t You Drink?
White Zombie’s Sean Yseult: The JG2Land Interview
“Duckman” Creator Everett Peck: The JG2Land Interview
Unsolicited Thoughts On This Video Of FLAG…
Unsolicited Thoughts On Marky Ramone’s Gelato Commercial
Jeff Hanneman: 1964-2013
The Force Will Be With You, Emma Greenway Horton, Always
Kid Gets Job, America Outraged
Thirty Years Of Jabba The Hutt’s Bitchy Admin Assist
Q: So, You’re A Writer…Like, What Do You Do All Day?
Unsolicited Thoughts On Racist Celebrity Chefgate
Today’s Mental Debates (Larry David Edition)
Unsolicited Maxwell’s Memories
Q: Have You No Rant On The Black Flag Lawsuit?
Area Man Shocked By Insignificant Cartoon Factoid
Unsolicited Thoughts/Notes On Everybody Loves Our Town
Liver Shunt And Butter Queens
Twenty Years In The Cone Zone
The Last Time I saw That Guy…
Undead Singer/Guitarist Bobby Steele: The JG2Land Interview
Drive-In Totals For Metallica: Through The Never
Adrenalin O.D. Guitarist Bruce Wingate: The JG2Land Interview
A Glimpse Into My Gatesgiving
This Music Leaves Stains Book Touro Recappo
Jockin’ Fair Use To Their Dismay

In the coming days I will probably curate similar lists for every previous year JG2Land has existed, because the time for self-reflection is always and it’s important you readers have some way to separate four years of wheat from four years of chaff.

Thanks for reading, y’all. Enjoy your nude ears.

Thirty Years Of Jabba The Hutt’s Bitchy Admin Assist

Return of the Jedi was released thirty years ago today. Thirty years—three decades!—of salty Ewoks jokes, homemade Princess Leia bikinis, and of course Bib Fortuna, who I think we can all agree is the most enduring character from the original trilogy. To this day, you can’t stop children in every country of the world from putting sweatpants on their heads and growling in homage to Jabba the Hutt’s bitchy administrative assistant.

I’m just teasing you, Bib. Thanks to the prequels, there’s an army of Star Wars characters far more useless than you. Baby Greedo, for instance.

Return of the Jedi could have been ballsier. They could have killed off someone more pivotal than Yoda on the hero’s side. The film also could have looked better; whereas Star Wars has a visual grit and Empire a dream-like quality, Jedi looks very…pedestrian. The cameras really fail in capturing the gravity of what’s happening in this world. It’s no surprise to learn cinematographer Alan Hume quit late in Jedi’s production and was never officially replaced (word has it Hume was fed up with the way director Richard Marquand was being treated by the film’s production team).

That said, the sixth episode of this nutty space saga delivers in terms of narrative conclusion. We get what we were hoping for in Darth Vader’s final turn, and the very end is just the right amount of heartbreaking when you’re seeing it through Luke’s eyes. This makes Luke a true Jedi and a man—i.e. an outer space Johnny Cash-type who can host a private funeral without shedding tear one. Han Solo, emotionally transformed as well following his human popsicle ordeal, sticks around to help the Rebels and even invokes “bros before hoes” when sorting his romantic jive out with Leia.

Of course, the only reason Han can be Unfrozen Freelance Hero here is because Lando Calrissian performs a penance for his Empire Strikes Back treachery: according to official canon, the former Mayor of Cloud City did a full year as one of Jabba’s palace guards on the off chance Luke, Leia, and the droids would somehow pull their shit together to rescue both Han and himself. Talk about bravery and/or taking one for the team. There was no guarantee there. Imagine if the Rancor had somehow eaten Luke. Then what the hell would Lando have done?

Let us also note that despite a proliferation of cutesy Muppet-related nonsense Return of the Jedi offers its share of raw moments. Jabba the Hutt is literally choked to death by Princess Leia. An Ewok eats it onscreen, prompting another Ewok to sort of get all Platoon on us. Luke goes balls out in the closing seconds of his lightsaber battle with Vader, hacking away like his father’s torso is a piñata, all the while wearing a “Bitch, how you like me NOW?” expression on his face. Yoda dies of old age in close-up, which is really powerful because this guy’s supposed to be the strongest (good) Jedi in the galaxy yet he can’t mind trick the Grim Reaper (although, based on his elongated speech patterns, you can tell he’s fighting it with every molecule in his tiny green body).

Today, as a thirty-four year old recovering Tattooine addict, life with Return of the Jedi is a little bittersweet. G. Lucas can’t stop scribblin’ on his movies with CGI, and right now Jedi—the most recent Star Wars outing that’s more fun than slog—suffers worst of all. Great musical sequences altered and/or erased in favor of ham-fisted crap. Sarlacc penis. Blinking Ewoks. Prequel Hayden painted over Sebastian Shaw. Tiny Jar Jars. It puts a damper on everything. Yo dawg, where my Yub Nub at?

I guess it’s like an old girlfriend. You remember the good times, before she took that hard left and decided the moon cult was more important than you. What can you do? Complain about it on a blog, I guess.

At least Bob Fortuna remains in all his original 1983 glory. Kay one-a wunga indeed, my friend.

The Force Will Be With You, Emma Greenway Horton, Always

Something to ponder: If Return of the Jedi had never been made, the highest grossing film of 1983 would have been Terms of Endearment. Terms was the only other film that year to hit the nine figure mark, whalloping Flashdance, Trading Places, and even Tom Cruise’s breakout hooker comedy Risky Business. People in ’83 really wanted to watch Debra Winger die (SPOILER ALERT).

Of course, the concept of Return of the Jedi never being made is ludicrous. I recently read an interview where George Lucas was asked what he would have done if Mark Hamill had died in that famous car accident just before Star Wars came out, and King George said something to the effect of, “Oh, I would have introduced another young mystical Jedi person and centered Empire and Jedi around them.” Piss off with your dying, Luke Skywalker. You think you can stop this fucking Star Wars juggernaut? You think being the “main character” means anything? Try again.

I’m sure not even the combined deaths of Mark Hamill, George Lucas, the rest of the cast, and every unnamed talent at Skywalker Ranch would have prevented a franchise. The original SW made too much money—“fuck you” money, as my father would call it. 20th Century Fox would have given us something, even if it was pure z-level schlock that followed Doug McClure around Tunisia as he searched for C-3PO’s evil clone with Chewbacca’s “force sensitive” second cousin at his side. Star Wars was a license to print money. Hell, it still is. How else do you explain those prequels?

Still, I’m fascinated by an alternate universe where, for whatever ungodly reason, Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back exist yet Return of the Jedi doesn’t, leaving fantasy film’s greatest cliffhangers forever unresolved. It would have to be the result of some complicated legal thing, right? Some Day The Clown Cried situation? Imagine if our rigid American copyright laws prevented anyone from ever seeing Darth Vader without his mask, from ever meeting and/or complaining about an Ewok, from ever hearing Admiral Ackbar bellow, “It’s a trap!” If you think Star Wars nerds are fussy now…

An even crazier scenario: George Lucas, burnt out from Empire, vows to never complete the trilogy and has it written into his contract somehow that no one else can ever make Star Wars III. I mean, he’d be assassinated like two days later, right? None of Boba Fett’s helmet polishers would put up with that.

The real question is: in a world without Jedi, does Kenner switch their focus to produce Terms of Endearment action figures? I’d buy a Debra Winger toy in a heartbeat. Like a twelve inch doll of her smiling like she is on the poster? Oh, that’s going right next to my Gremlins bubble gum machine.

Deck The Halls With Some Ewoks

Return of the Jedi’s thirtieth anniversary is just one week away. I hope you’ve got your shopping done. I’m just kidding—we’ve all poured enough money into the Lucasfilm merchandising juggernaut already. If we melted down all the Chewbacca figures sold between 1977 and today there’d probably be enough plastic to make prosthetic limbs for every single person who’s stepped on a forgotten land mine since Star Wars first came out. Not to depress you or anything.

That reminds me of a hilarious story: I was four when Jedi came out and even though I was already amped on America’s number one space opera I didn’t want to see this final installment because Jabba the Hutt looked really scary in the tv commercials. My grandparents bought us all tickets to see the thing anyway, and I was just beside myself that entire morning. Kid logic told me I’d die of shock the moment Jabba came onscreen. Shortly before the movie’s showtime Grandma and I were wandering around K-Mart when I became instantly enamored of an Admiral Ackbar action figure on one of the toy racks. For whatever reason (he looked like a fish person and I liked fish?) this Ackbar toy was shifting the tectonic plates of my Jedi stance. I stood there in a weird daze.

“I’ll make you a deal,” my grandmother said as I clutched the Admiral’s blister pack like it was my only food for the day. “I’ll buy this man for you if you go see the movie with us. Okay?”

There was a brief pause.

“Oh-kay!” I shouted like one of the Little Rascals.

Nothing quells fear quite like spontaneous consumerism. The only memory I have from the actual presentation of Jedi that day is having to pee really badly during the speeder bike chase. Grandpa sensed this, trotting me out to the bathroom so as to prevent me from ruining the fine upholstery at the Sanford, Florida megaplex. I hated giving in, though, because the speeder bikes were so super cool. The theater bathroom was far less enthralling. Once you’ve seen Mark Hamill racing through the Redwood Forest on a space motorcycle self-flushing toilets seem less than outré.

I feel like I’ve told this story before elsewhere, but this version is really the best. Ewok image courtesy of Merchandising Is Forever. Stay tuned for more baloney like this in the coming days.

New Report Alleges The Government Can’t Even Get A Copy Of The Original Version Of Star Wars

George Lucas has been molesting his original Star Wars movies with CGI nonsense since 1997 while simultaneously disavowing the edits that grossed him millions back in the day. Sucky, but lightsaber-wielding nerds aggravated by this nonsense such as myself have long taken solace in what we perceived to be a tiny loophole in George’s quest to stamp out his “first drafts”: The National Film Registry. Established in 1988, the NFR annually selects twenty-five “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant” movies to induct and preserve for the rest of history, so after we vaporize each other in the final nuclear war there’ll be some big movie vault for our aliens overlords to discover proving we were an intelligent and artful race. One of the NFR’s first draft picks in ’89? Star Wars.

Ostensibly, the NFR chose Star Wars that year, Lucasfilm sent them a copy, and it’s been sitting there ever since, government property a la the Ark in Raiders. So even though George might digitally scribble The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi to the point of no return, even though he might be able to completely block the commercial availability of previous non-“Special Edition” trilogy releases, at least Uncle Sam has retained an untouched copy of the first film. At some point in the future, cinema restoration people could use that government copy of Star Wars to create a another home video release of what audiences first saw May 25, 1977. At least we could have one regular Star Wars movie some time before the apocalypse…right?

Yeah, about that: Preservation website SaveStarWars.com recently investigated the National Film Registry situation at Washington, D.C.’s Library of Congress, and they’re reporting that the NFR never received the copy of Star Wars they requested in 1989. Apparently Lucasfilm ignored the NFR until 1997…the year the “Special Edition” of Star Wars was completed. When George told the gub’ment that’s what he planned on sending them, they balked. Quoth Reference Librarian of Congress Zoran Sinobad:

“While both Star Wars (1977) and The Empire Strikes Back (1980) are on the National Film Registry, the Library has not yet acquired new prints of either one. When the request was made for Star Wars, Lucasfilm offered us the Special Edition version. The offer was declined as this was obviously not the version that had been selected for the Registry. We have not yet requested a print of The Empire Strikes Back, [which was] added to the Registry late last year.”

Our leaders may have been fucking up the economy and starting unnecessary wars for the past decade, but hey, at least they’ve been trying to do the right thing when it comes to Luke Skywalker.

So there you have it—more Lucas allegedly being Lucas. But what of the separate copyright prints that exist for Star Wars, Empire, and Jedi? A 35mm print of every film in this country has to be sent to the Library of Congress to officially be copyrighted (or had to be sent—I don’t know if they still put movies on 35mm). So yes, the LoC is sitting on at least one set of original original Star Wars films from the years of their release that could prove a total failsafe. Unfortunately, according to Zoran, the copyright version of Empire now boasts “extreme color fading” and there is “no report” on the condition of Return of the Jedi (which one assumes could mean it has turned to finite dust by now).

Of course, the very notion that anyone but George Lucas/Lucasfilm will ever control the ultimate fate of Star Wars is laughable. I’m sure it’s written in blood somewhere that public domain doesn’t exist in Obi Wan’s dojo and that no other entity can ever even consider purchasing the rights to those movies. Related tidbit: The aforelinked report throws out a claim that Lucasfilm’s contract with Fox RE: Star Wars has some foreboding clause which demands versions of the pre-’97 trilogy must be “hunted up and destroyed.”

This sounds like fabricated fanboy fear-mongering, but who knows. It seemed just as crazy thirty years ago that a relatively unknown filmmaker would give up his studio paycheck in favor of merchandising rights for the characters in his cheap little space movie everyone and their uncle thought would bomb. Today, Darth Vader’s face is on every household item imaginable and George Lucas is so goddamn rich he can just blatantly fuck with the government (allegedly).

Private collectors, it looks like the future of unaltered Star Wars may be up to you. Don’t let your moms clean out your basements!

Vadergate: Bill Hunt Claims Uncle George Was Gonna Paint Over Puppet Yoda In EmpireJedi

Digital Bits Editor Bill Hunt, who is, like, the dude when it comes to home theater stuff, posted his review of the Star Wars Blu-Rays today. Hunt sings the same refrain as so many others: While this set is far from what’s best in terms of current technology and many screw ups from the ’04 DVDs have carried over, it’s still the best Star Wars has looked since you paid to see it during Reagan’s presidency. Bill spilled an interesting/exclusive tidbit, however, while kvetching about the CGI revisions Lucasfilm whipped up for these Blu-Rays. To wit:

“For those of you who hate the past changes [to Star Wars] (and the new BD changes), believe me I get it. Let me just say, it could be a LOT worse. Sources well-positioned to know have told me that Lucas actually seriously considered replacing the puppet Yoda from The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi with the all-digital version, and even had tests conducted to see how it would look. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed…”

Emphasis added. It goes without saying that the “cooler heads” in this situation should be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Painting over Frank Oz’s superb puppetry would have been some cold, disrespectful shit. Just thinking about it makes me want to draw giant magic marker penises on every American Graffiti poster I can find.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT, GEORGE LUCAS? IF I JUST DREW GIANT PENISES ALL OVER RON HOWARD’S CARTOONY FRECKLED FACE? YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO STOP ME, YOU COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE IN FRONT OF EVERY AMERICAN GRAFFITI POSTER AT ONCE.

Meanwhile, Howard the Duck is still atrocious, and Lucas does nothing to try and correct that.

Vadergate: Never Mind The Fanboys, Here Are Two Official Reviews Of The Star Wars Blu-Rays

Bluray.com posted their take on the Star Wars Blu-Ray set Monday, the final sentence of which finds writer Casey Broadwater triumphantly stating “the films have never looked or sounded better.” Sure, things aren’t perfect—Broadwater is especially disappointed with the soft image quality of Phantom Menace and tags the latest round of CGI updates as “goofy”—but that’s small potatoes since the original trilogy now looks “amazing,” apparently free here of the wild color fluctuations that plagued the 2004 DVDs.

Geoff Dearth of The Digital Fix disagrees on that last point, stating in his write-up (also posted Monday) that the colors of the original films on Blu-Ray are “still far too oversaturated.” “Skin tones vary wildy,” Dearth notes, “looking lobster-pink in one shot and golden brown the next.” Various audio elements also let down, particularly the ADR work heard in Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi. In the end, Dearth laments that these Blu-Rays “don’t quite do [the Star Wars movies] justice.”

Strangely, Dearth’s review makes no mention of Lucasfilm’s highly contentious digital revisions. Either Geoff is one of those “ain’t gonna dignify that kinda stupidity with a remark” type of guys or this whole “Special Edition” nightmare is the hallucinogenic result of too much plastic in our drinking water. All I’m trying to say is I never noticed Greedo shooting first until around the first time I put my lips to an Evian bottle.

Original Star Wars Effects Wiz Disses Changes, Claims Lucas Heavily Influenced By Benji

So, if we’re gonna keep talking about this hot Star Wars Blu-Ray mess, we need to come up with a catchier name. I vote for Vadergate. Let me know how you feel about that, Wampa jockeys. Also acceptable: Lucasgate, Jedigate, the Krayt Dragon Rock n’ Roll Swindle.

Phil Tippett (pictured) is a special effects master who’s worked on such incredible pieces of cinema as Jurassic Park, RoboCop, and—ahem—the original Star Wars trilogy. On Wednesday morning, Movies.com spoke with Tippett, a guy who spent countless hours whipping up creatures and spaceships for George Lucas at the dawn of the ’80s, and asked his opinion of the Star Wars creator’s continued CGI brush-stroking over the years.

“They’re shit,” Phil responded, damning all of Lucasfilm’s digital scribbling since 1997 as unnecessary. A not unexpected reaction from the co-genius behind Empire Strikes Back’s still-impressive Imperial Walkers. Tippett, who won an Oscar for his work on Return of the Jedi, also shared a behind-the-scenes story from that film which will surely not garner Georgie Boy any more cool points:

“[Industrial Light & Magic] had a little room where you could get chips and drinks and I was getting something. George and Richard Marquand, [Return of the Jedi's] director, came in and Richard was saying, ‘George, I don’t totally get where we need to go with this picture.’ And George said, ‘Well, did you see Benji?’ ‘No George, I didn’t see Benji. ‘Well, what we’re doing now is kind of like a cross between Benji and what we did on Empire Strikes Back.'”

Ewok haters: You have a new enemy.

The Star Wars Blu-Ray Changes (So Far)

As an addendum to my post yesterday about the leaked Star Wars Blu-Rays (now confirmed by Lucasfilm to be legit), I present to you a by no means definitive and certainly not comprehensive list of changes made to the original films for this release as noticed by other viewers. No, I have not seen the full Blu-Ray leaks myself. I’ve just been lurking Star Wars message boards and making note every time someone posts about a new alteration. My guess is we won’t be aware of every single update or “correction” until after the physical release on 9/16.

STAR WARS

- droid escape pod now emits heat trails
– extra moisture vaporators CGI’d into Tatooine
– new Krayt dragon roar
jagged rock CGI’d in front of R2-D2 in the Krayt dragon scene
– Han and Greedo shoot at the same time in the Cantina

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

- most of blue tint on Hoth erased
– most of puppeteer’s arm erased from Wampa attack
– extra flames aded to probe droid crater

RETURN OF THE JEDI

- new establishing shot outside Jabba’s palace
prequel creature wandering around inside Jabba’s palace
– CGI do-over of Han Solo’s carbonite de-freezing
blinking Ewoks
– CGI do-over of R2-D2’s malfunction on Endor
– Darth Vader whining “NOOO!” in Emperor’s throne room

As previously noted, issues with lightsaber color and various audio bugs from the 2004 DVDs have apparently carried over. Per the former, it’s my understanding that while the most egregious lightsaber errors were touched up, the majority of weird colors remain throughout the trilogy.

Sigh. When the fuck does Skatetown, U.S.A. come out on Blu-Ray? I wanna roller boogie my pain away.

Lucasfilm Confirms Further Fiddling On Star Wars Blu-Rays [UPDATED]

The Internet exploded like the goddamn Death Star yesterday when the Blu-Ray editions of Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi allegedly leaked two and a half weeks ahead of their official release date. Excitement quickly turned to vitriol as fans laid eyes on the latest round of revisions supposedly implemented by the ever-finicky George Lucas—the most controversial of which found Darth Vader making a dubious callback during Return of the Jedi’s climax to his embarrassing final bellow in 2005’s Revenge of the Sith. Furious Wampa jockeys began canceling their Blu-Ray pre-orders en masse, but some doubt remained. Was this leaked footage realer than Real Deal Holyfield, or was it complete bupkis?

The latter seemed possible, as much of what we were seeing on these alleged rips did not offer the color or audio corrections Lucasfilm had promised for the Blu-Rays. I mean, come on, would our cherised special effects wizards really waste their time giving the Ewoks digital eyelids and painting in singular rocks only to ignore the much larger tinting and sound problems that plagued the 2004 DVD releases? Don’t you think they would have spent the past seven years making sure Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber is blue in every single frame of the first Star Wars as opposed to preventing Ewok Restasis?

As it turns out, the probable answers to those questions are, in order, “LOL, fuck yeah!” and “LOL, fuck no!” New York Times Arts Beat writer Dave Itzkoff got ahold of someone at Lucasfilm this morning who confirmed, at the very least, that Vader’s “NOOO!” is now a part of Return of the Jedi. Where there’s smoke, there’s generally fire. Thus, I think we can assume everything else we’re seeing is legit. From what I understand, it’s relatively impossible to fake the quality on display in some of these clips, and Digital Bits Editor Bill Hunt did tell us two weeks ago after attending a semi-clandestine Star Wars press junket that the Blu-Rays would offer “a few new ‘surprises'” (none of which he could elaborate upon at the time).

Welcome to 2011. Ewoks can now blink, R2-D2 has gained the ability to pass through solid matter, the original unaltered trilogy continues to languish in non-anamorphic DVD hell, and Darth Vader is officially King of the Grumpy Man-Children. Have a nice day!

I’ll try to post a semi-comprehensive list of all the Blu-Ray changes I’ve read about for the OT later on (EDIT: Done!). Right now, I have to go clean the dried vomit out of my Chewbacca costume. Thankfully it’s a rent-to-own deal, so I’m not in too much trouble. Wookiee fur isn’t supposed to be effortlessly clean and well-groomed anyway, right?

UPDATE: Lucasfilm has now confirmed all the Star Wars Blu-Ray changes we’ve been kvetching about. Quoteth the Phantom PR Rep, “We hope fans will wait to see for themselves how they fit into the Saga before making any judgments.” Bantha poodoo. Guess this means, in turn, all the color/sound mistakes present in the leaks are totes legit as well. Again I say Bantha poodoo.

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