Charlton Heston: 1923-2008

Charlton Heston, the gun-toting fake ape provoker who famously mispronounced Paul Westerberg’s name on a 1993 episode of “Saturday Night Live,” has died at the tender age of 84. No details were given regarding the exact cause of death, which usually means it was some kind of kinky sex thing. Heston, you dog. Sticks and stones may break your bones but whips and chains excite you! I know what they’re prying out of your cold, dead hands right now—a cattle prod!

Nathan C. was the only person who had our pal Chuck in the death pool, so he’s officially winning at the moment with a big sixteen points. Congrats, Nathan, but don’t get too comfy. The passing of Van Johnson is imminent. I can feel it my bones. I can taste in the air. I can see it on the face of every child I pass. After that, my picks will begin to fall like dominoes. It’s the will of the Gods. You won’t be on top for long, Nate.

Does anyone else remember the time Ice T said the reason he had to take “Cop Killer” off that Body Count album was because Charlton Heston came out against it and, since he played Moses in a movie once, most people in this country believed he actually was Moses? That was quite possibly the greatest soundbyte I ever heard on VH-1.

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