Halloween ’92: Epic Fail

Something I neglected to mention in my unsolicited review of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure—for a long time, that particular movie was my favorite post-Ghostbusters cinematic property of the 1980s (despite its complete lack of boobs, gremlins, or John Candy). I must have rented it every weekend the first two or three months it was available on VHS. Why my parents didn’t buy me my own copy, I have no idea. They were kind of slow on the uptake sometimes.

I remember completely losing my shit the afternoon I found out a second Bill & Ted was on the way. I was errantly flipping through a stray issue of Time Magazine underneath my parents’ coffee table in the family room when I suddenly spotted an alien photo of Alex Winter and Keanu Reaves.

Bill & Ted Go To Hell,” the pre-name change caption read, going on to say something to the effect that Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure was the stupidest movie to ever yield a sequel. Ouch. My first taste of Northeast elitism. Hey, Time Magazine, I’ve got your Ingmar Bergman right here.

I was all about Bogus Journey in ’91 (even though I didn’t actually see it until January of 1992) and I was determined to dress up as either Bill, Ted, or the film’s Grim Reaper character for Halloween that year. In my sick, delusional mind, a homemade Grim Reaper costume seemed much easier and less stressful than an attempt at either Bill or Ted. I wish I could tell you what I thought was so challenging about a backwards hat and a green flannel shirt. Remember, we’re talking about the same kid who thought the best way to get rid of a stolen copy of Penthouse was to flush it down the guest bathroom toilet.

Anywho, the d.i.y. Reaper outfit. My theory was a black hoodie, some cheap Halloween make-up, and a toy hockey stick wrapped in tin foil would get the job done. Oh, how wrong I was:

This picture just screams, “Beat me with a shovel.” Thank god my mom did a pretty good job on the make-up. Otherwise, I probably would have looked like the poorest (and least Asian) ninja in all of Japan. Actually, I kind of look like one of those Scandinavian Death Metal guys. Burn the churches, praise to Odin!

I was pretty happy with my homemade costume at the time…until Matt Salyer showed up to the Halloween party I hosted that evening in a far superior Grim Reaper costume. He had gone all out, buying a long, flowing robe from Spencer Gifts and fashioning his scythe out of a large piece of driftwood. It also didn’t hurt that Matt was about six feet tall and weighed nearly two hundred pounds. His Grim Reaper was a large and imposing collector of souls. My Grim Reaper was some kind of misshapen hockey troll foraging the wastelands for discarded fast food wrappers and day old coffee.

You will notice in the following photo that a significant portion of my make-up came off before the night was over. This was due to the fact that A) I bought the least expensive clown crap I could find, B) one of my guests thought it would be funny to spray me directly in the face with a shitload of shaving cream before he was even out of his mother’s car, or possibly C) a combination of both. Clearly, I should have picked up whatever greasepaint Ed “The Joker” Charlesworth was using.

From left to right: Suburban Commando Jim Raymond, Jake Hallam as John Shaft (coolest honky at this vanilla-fest), Me, Ed, Matt “Superior Reaper” Salyer, Josh Wyatt in The Most Elaborate Batman Costume Ever Constructed By Someone Outside Hollywood (Josh and I were actually kicked out of a local hardware store a week earlier while he was searching for Bat-materials), the politically-minded Jim Rumpf as Reagan’s Iran Adviser (a costume only my parents understood), and Colin Reinhardt as that notorious comic villain the Clock King.

One of these guys recently got engaged. One of these guys appeared on “The Late Show with David Letterman” a few years ago.* One of these guys impaled his thumb on a fence while attempting to steal a couple cans of twenty-five cent soda. Two of these guys had a falling out because the one guy made a bunch of 1-900-909-SEXX phone calls from the other guy’s grandparents’ house (awkward!). One of these guys has a blog none of the other guys read (weak sauce).

But I digress. Though certainly not the worst costume in the history of JG2 Halloween – that would probably go to my atrocious Omen-related 2001 garb (for some reason, I thought Damien wore a cape) – the Grim Reaper is definitely up there. I give this one a solid 8 on the Shitty Costume Scale. May God have mercy on my thirteen year old soul.

* – Apparently I was wrong about this—see below in the comments.

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11 responses to “Halloween ’92: Epic Fail”

  1. jess says :

    Who was on letterman?

  2. jamesgreenejr says :

    The Clock King.

  3. Jess says :

    really? what for?

  4. jamesgreenejr says :

    There was some thing on Letterman for a while where you sent your picture in and they’d show it near the end of the program. Like as the Lucky Home Viewer or whatever. One night I had it on in the background and the announcer says, “Tonight’s Lucky Home Viewer is Colin Reinhardt!” Having not heard that name since middle school, I jerked my head towards the screen and there he was, slightly older with a shaved head and olive green t-shirt. At least I think it was olive green. So there you go.

    Now, please refrain from asking me about the phone sex thing. That’s kind of an uncomfortable subject.

  5. Jess says :

    Yeah, I wasn’t even going to touch that one…although I have my suspicions….

  6. Colin Reinhard(t) says :

    Sorry to disappoint, but I have no shaved head, although I do own an olive T-shirt. (See link above) Great to hear about the traumatic old days.

    Did anyone save Josh’s top 10 lists?

  7. jamesgreenejr says :

    Wow, Colin, I guess I was wrong. You look nothing like the Colin Reinhard I saw on Letterman. Way to not look crazy. Thank you for responding and also for teaching the children well. As for Josh, no one saved anything he did. Josh was a hologram created by Ed Charlesworth.

  8. jamesgreenejr says :

    So, wait a minute…the shirt you’re wearing in that photo is blue. I don’t understand. Did you lend that kid the olive shirt he’s wearing? Wow, you really ARE a great teacher!

  9. Colin Reinhard(t) says :

    You haven’t changed a bit, have you? Remember numbers and geography were my strong suits.

    Reading all of this has reminded me of another epic adventure we participated in…Jim Rumpf’s all night Sim Earth extravaganza, featuring the film UHF. Now that was a night to remember.

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