Commenting Upon Various Time Magazine Covers

All of these Time magazine covers were found using the incredible LIFE Magazine photo archive. Hours of jaw-dropping fun.

Speaking of which:

timejesse

JESSE?! YES, JESSE!! I’m sure this is referencing Reverend Jackson’s prominent presence in the preposterous presidential race of 1988, but looking at it now, it almost reads like, “WHA—We thought this guy died like eight years ago!!” Jackson’s facial expression is rather priceless, too. “Whatchu gonna do, America? Jesse’s all up in yo’ Kool-Aid!!”

timebabies

I love this one. It comes off as so alarmist. “Adults are desperate for the untapped knowledge that lies within the soft, still-forming skulls of the recently born—but how soon is too soon to start hooking them up to car batteries and homemade polygraphs to extract that knowledge?” You could also read it as, “Babies—what do THEY know?” Like, “Pfft, you’re going to trust a BABY to do your taxes? You are FUCKED, bro.”

time80elec

Reagan, Carter, and…John Anderson? Who the hell was he, the debate moderator? Nope—John Anderson was the third party candidate in 1980. He is remembered by few, despite garnering some celeb support (Gore Vidal, Jackie O) and six percent of the final vote. Anderson’s platforms? Reverse the Gulf of Tonkin resolution and enact a fifty cent per gallon gas tax. The latter pretty much sunk his chances of winning anything but a Best Looking Grandpa contest. I should stop acting like an expert, though; this magazine cover marks the first time I’ve ever seen photographic evidence of his existence.

Oh, and in case you’re curious, the correct answer to the question “How many times has Time featured the concerned visage of Jimmy Carter on its cover?” is A LOT:

timecarter

timecarter2

timecarter3

timecarter7

You get the idea.

timebugs1

HOLY SHIT!!! THIS IS SCARIER THAN JESSE!!! I was under the impression America always had bugs. I guess not.

timebette

This one looks mad fake, like the kind of thing you’d see in a movie montage where the character starts experiencing lots of success. I’d be willing to wager all my Star Wars figures that Bette Midler had this Time cover created for her birthday or Christmas that year. Was Outrageous Fortune even all that popular? I was alive in 1987 and I don’t remember hearing shit about it.

timeid4

When someone says Independence Day, what’s the first thing you think of? The White House blowing up? Will Smith? Natalie Portman? No, she was in Mars Attacks! My point is, the last thing anyone remembers from 1996’s biggest blockbuster is the aliens themselves. They were always pretty unremarkable, which is why the filmmakers kept them hidden in smoke or dimly lit spaceships. Hell, Randy Quaid was more of a “star” than these creatures (and he was only in I4 or ID4 or however the hell you abbreviate it for like five minutes). So fuck you, Time Magazine, for making old people believe otherwise.

Okay, I’m done (for now).

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