Eddie Van Halen: King Of The Douchebags

I bet you thought Eddie Van Halen couldn’t top the dick move of replacing founding Van Halen bassist Michael Anthony on the band’s recent reunion tours with his own teenage son Wolfgang (despite the fact Anthony is neither dead, in a coma, or suffering from bass amnesia). Well, you were wrong. A Van Halen edition of Guitar Hero is coming out soon, featuring twenty-five playable tunes from the party metal band’s heyday…but not featuring Michael Anthony. At all. Check the infuriating preview video:

While there’s no conclusive proof that Eddie Van Halen said, “Yeah, erase Michael Anthony from the game,” do you seriously think the Guitar Hero programmers were like, “You know what? Everyone’s favorite Van Halen line-up is definitely the new one, the one with that chubby little pud plunking on the bass next to his dad, his uncle, and Crazy Geriatric Chicken Man. Fuck 1984, fuck OU812, the real shit is happening right now, and that’s what everybody wants.”

Who the fuck wants to rock out on “Jump” or “Runnin’ With The Devil” as Valerie Bertinelli’s underage offspring? No offense, Wolfie, but your presence has turned a once truly excellent rock group into some single dad version of the Partridge Family. Van Halen without Michael Anthony’s grinning, stubbly visage and signature Jack Daniels bass guitar is just a waste of my Van time. I mean, shit, what would you rather play, dude—Guitar Hero: Judas Priest with Rob Halford, or Guitar Hero: Judas Priest with Tim “Ripper” Owens?

As for Eddie, come on, bro. Are you really that pissed about Michael Anthony’s line of hot sauces? That’s asinine. You’re getting all Darth Vader over some truly minor b.s. and it’s spooking the cattle hard. What happened to our little Dutch friend who just played blazing solos and smiled all the time? Pull the stick outta your ass already and get your head checked.

You’ll notice I said nothing about Sammy Hagar’s absence from Guitar Hero: Van Halen. That’s because I’m currently trying to convince myself of Sammy Hagar’s absence from real life. I’m trying to pretend that screechy Curly Q never existed. As far as I’m concerned, Van Halen’s second singer was the guy from Loverboy.

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3 responses to “Eddie Van Halen: King Of The Douchebags”

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