Opinions Are Like Assholes (They Taste Great)

Note to Michael Moore: you need to develop a shtick beyond “personally confronts humorless, lying suits and/or pulls wacky stunt on behalf of the average American.” You’ve kinda run that shit into the ground. The fact that you’re doing it once again in your latest offering is a little embarrassing.

Also—really, the financial crisis? Like, who doesn’t already know just how hard the banks and the gov’t fucked us? “Frontline” has done about eighteen episodes on that already. Stop ripping stuff from the headlines and challenge yourself, goddammit. Canadian Bacon 2 is all I’m sayin’.

Ted Kennedy died. I wonder if they ever told him who really killed his brothers. You’d think after so many years in the Senate, they probably would have pulled him aside and said, “Okay, you’re obviously not going anywhere, here’s the deal: it was a joint thing between Castro and Frank Sinatra. Sorry.” Do you think they ever told Jackie O or JFK Jr. what was up? That’s pretty much the only thing I’d ask a Kennedy if I ever met one. That, and how the family generally views Maria Shriver’s husband.

Dominick Dunne also died. Bet he’s pissed he became Farrah Fawcett to T-Ked’s Jacko. Speaking of which, did you hear about the giant robot in Nevada MJ wanted to build? That is some serious megalomaniacal crazy rich guy shit.

Is Mark Hamill still voicing the Joker in some capacity? If so, good for him.

Pitchfork.com recently compiled a “Best 500 Songs of The Current Decade” list, and—surprise, surprise! I actually wasn’t mortally offended by their #1 pick, Outkast’s “B.O.B.” The other 499 picks, though…yeesh. I think my list of top ten 2000s songs would go something like this:

10. “Party Up (Up In Here)” by DMX
9. “Ho” by Ludacris
8. “99 Problems” by Jay-Z
7. “You Think I Ain’t Worth a Dollar, But I Feel Like a Millionaire” by Queens Of The Stone Age
6. “Candyman” by Christina Aguilera
5. “Hell Yeah (Pimp The System)” by Dead Prez
4. “I Got A War” by Gluecifer
3. “Ugliness” by Iggy Pop
2. “B.O.B.” by Outkast
1. “America, Fuck Yeah” by DVDA

Yes, I’m serious about Christina Aquilera.

I saw Funny People the other night. Tom from Myspace is in it. I took this to mean the events of the film take place in 2003, which was the last time anyone ever talked to or cared about Tom from Myspace. Further evidence: Seth Rogan tells Adam Sandler at one point that he’ll whip out his dick for an iPod. If Funny People took place today, Rogan would have bartered for newer technology, like an iPhone or a Netbook. At any rate, the movie was resoundingly alright, saved from complete mediocrity only by its insane ratio of unexpected celebrity cameos (Charles Fleischer FTW).

I can’t believe Perez Hilton has ghostwriters. My worldview has been shaken. Who can you trust anymore? Nineteen hours in front of the computer every day my ass. I hope one of the other Black Eyed Peas jacks that Grinch-looking bitch.

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