Would You Pay $130 For Career Advice From Andy Richter?

I don’t see why you wouldn’t. Andy Richter has a few TV shows under his belt, and he currently announces for “The Tonight Show.” Surely he knows a thing or two about succeeding and surviving in “the industry.” Actually, $130 seems like a bargain to get a handful of pointers from Andy Richter; I’d expect to pay twice that just to be in the same room as Conan’s portly pal.

Now, would you pay $130 for career advice from a guy who looks like Andy Richter?

Hmmm. Suddenly the proposition is a tad dicier, even if the Richter lookalike is a professional radio deejay. What if I told you it’s more than likely the individual in question has a close personal relationship with former KISS guitarist/UFO enthusiast Ace Frehley?

There’s a reason I’m asking such stupid questions. The man pictured above is New York hard rock radio deejay Eddie Trunk. Perhaps you’ve seen him on VH-1 Classic waxing nostalgic about Randy Rhoads or David Coverdale. Whether you’re familiar with Trunk or not, he is, apparently, a “music industry pro,” one who played a serious role in the success of such monumental groups as “Testament, Kings X, Overkill and more” (I’m guessing that “more” includes at least one Osmond brother). Mr. Trunk rubs elbows with “the biggest names in music on radio and TV daily,” and as of this month, he is offering his all you struggling musicians out there “the guidance your band needs!”

That’s right, struggling Extreme tribute band from Milwaukee and/or South Florida adolescent rap metallers—if no one is paying any attention to your band, now you can pay Eddie Trunk and he can tell you what the hell you’re doing wrong! According to his website, all you have to do is send Ed a five song CD. In return, you shall receive:

A song by song personal review of each track from Eddie Trunk. Eddie will give his critique on songwriting, performance, production and more. In addition to a song by song review, Eddie will also give an overall review on band image and the overall demo package presentation. You will get his report on how close your entire package is and his personal insights.”

It’s just that simple! Oh, except the $130 part. Yeah, that’s Eddie’s listening fee. Well, $129.99 to be exact. Money orders only. One hundred thirty smackers, and you don’t even get a phone call from Eddie. Nope, he just sends you an e-mail. If that ain’t good enough for you, if Ed’s electronic missive doesn’t quite satisfy all your professional objective critiquing needs, reapply all over again. Because everyone has $260 to blow on pulling teeth from some doughy 1970s corporate rock leftover.

Hey Eddie, how much yay are you vacuuming up these days that you need to exploit impressionable idiots like this? This is more disgusting than everything Gene Simmons has ever done (and that guy put his face on fucking coffins). Why don’t you take your “honest appraisal” and cram it up the same dark, foreboding hole currently harboring Roger Daltrey’s voice and Axl Rose’s sanity? I hear it’s nice and moist in there.

ATTENTION BANDS: Do you have a demo you want some self-righteous asshole to listen to and critique in the hopes it will lead to the smallest amount of exposure/success humanly possible? Send ’em to me and I’ll do it right here, on this blog, for free. That’s a savings of at least $129.98! Also, if you aren’t happy with my first critique, I’ll give you a second critique at absolutely no extra charge! Not even Andy Richter can offer that kind of deal!

Can you believe honest appraisal from someone who can identify Ace Frehley in pictures is that easy and inexpensive? Only in America, ladies and gentlemen! You only pay me if I’m physically injured while listening to your music.* That’s my promise to you.

Thanks, aspiring bands! I can’t wait to hear from you. Have a great night, and don’t forget, you left the porch light on. I hate to be nag, but turn it off already. We’re out of extra light bulbs, and Walgreen’s closed an hour ago. I don’t want to hafta drive all the way out to Mims later just because you neglected the one damn thing I ask you to do around here.

* = Or if you want to hear about the time I played Crisco Slip n’ Slide with Melissa Joan Hart. Those tawdry tales aren’t free.

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