Nine Albums From ’09 That Created An Embarrassing Situation In My Pants

2009 will forever be remembered as the year Guns n’ Roses took off to quietly celebrate the November 2008 release of Chinese Democracy in the comfort of their own palatial, ostensibly gold-plated homes. They spent over a decade makin’ that shit—did you honestly think they were going to tour after they finally got it out? They were probably very tired! Let’s see how YOU feel after spending thirteen years making a Guns n’ Roses album. My guess is, the day after you finish, you’re not gonna have the energy to mow the lawn, let alone fly to Taiwan to play “Paradise City” for eight thousand peasants.

Although GNR was completely inactive in Oh Nine, plenty of other bands stepped up and did stuff to keep us entertained. Some of them even put out old-timey CDs, despite the fact no one’s purchased a compact disc since Dwight Eisenhower was violently fisting Lilian Gish in the basement of the Alamo. Here now, a list of nine record music albums released this year that filled my britches with a sticky rainbow of delight.

Why not ten? Because kiss my ass, that’s why. Oh, and there are probably crazy tense issues in this post because I wrote it at like three in the morning after ingesting two and half giant homemade burritos. Gassy!

Upper Crust – Revenge For Imagined Slights

Just when everyone assumed the joke was over, wig-wearing hard rockers the Upper Crust came charging back with their most solid studio effort to date. “Class Up The Ass” was my strut-around-the-city-in-pajama-pants-jammy-jam of the year. “Long Table For Two” contains my favorite lyric of the Obama era (I think): “I asked my baby to pass the salt/she flung it over in a catapult.” That’s how long that table was! They were usin’ catapults to pass each other the spices and condiments! ROFFLE my waffle a thousand times over!

Th’ Inbred – Legacy Of Fertility

A Rosetta Stone of flavorful 1980s hardcore rounding up everything Th’ Inbred ever did. And you thought nothing good ever came out of West Virginia. These guys were so white hot livid they sort of make every other “classic” “old school” “punk band” look disappointingly tepid by comparison. Sort of.

Megadeth – Endgame

The rawk world hailed Endgame as the greatest thing since Cliff Burton, and why not? It’s loud and angry heavy metal without being excessive or overly comical. The only real downside to this record? The epic shit-talking that accompanied its release. Dave Mustaine pulled out all the stops this year, personally attacking almost every other human being who’s ever picked up a guitar and played a pentatonic scale. It’s clear Dave doesn’t really have a handle on this Christianity thing (RE: do unto others). At least he can still steamroll our balls with a hot tank of metal.

The Lonely Island – Incredibad

These guys are funnier and better rappers than Eminem. Yeah, I said it. I’ll fight you in the parking lot later.

Baroness – The Blue Album

Hey, what the fuck do you know? Heavy metal can be a gorgeous, numbing, visceral journey beyond a few head-banging riffs and blast beats. Blue is the first record I’ve heard in a long time that justifies lazy daydreams of floating on cotton candy clouds with bare-chested elf maidens through the breezy skies of an alternate dimension.

Reverend Horton Heat – Laughin’ & Cryin’ With The Reverend Horton Heat

Good time country-flavored jukebox record. Every song at Waffle House should be replaced with this album.

“Weird Al” Yankovic – Internet Leaks

“Weird Al” has a bad habit of clogging up his full-length albums with half-baked or ill-executed song ideas (“Canadian Idiot” and “I’ll Sue Ya” from Straight Outta Lynwood come to mind). The Internet Leaks EP found Al finally trimming the fat, serving up five sharp stabs at pop mockery. Riffs on T.I. and the White Stripes (“Whatever You Like” and “CNR,” respectively) offer some of the greatest yuks the Yank has spit out in years; a couple originals remind us W.A.Y. is just as melodically gifted as he is funny. Then there’s the Jim Morrison impression on “Craigslist.” Making fun of the Lizard King is always a hoot. “A slightly used som-BRER-OH!” LOL.

Chris Cornell – Scream

As Mary Woronov once famously said, there is a difference between art and bullshit, and sometimes the bullshit is far more interesting. This record is so gloriously awful in some places it physically excites me. I literally become aroused at Scream’s unabashed, unbridled awfulness. Whose brilliant idea was it to have the shirtless brooder from Soundgarden sing lyrics like, “No, that bitch ain’t a part of me!” and squeal like Prince over tinny, sub-Justin Timberlake techno soundscapes? It boggles the mind. It’s sort of like seeing God’s face reflected in your dirty toilet water. What were these people thinking? They wrote a dance number called “Ground Zero” that includes the lyric “When it all falls down…”!! Who the hell was the target audience for this Heaven’s Gate of pop music? I have a feeling a large section of my first published book will be dedicated to how completely insane this record is.

Patton Oswalt – My Weakness Is Strong

Amazing comedian who is a genius at turning a phrase/whipping up metaphors. “Dirt button” is my new favorite slang term.

OTHER MUSICAL BULLSHIT I LIKED IN TWO DOUBLE OH NINE: “Combination Pizza Hut & Taco Bell (Wallpaper Remix)” by Das Racis, “Bale Out” by RevoLucian, anything DJ Steve Porter did, Eric Cartman’s cover of “Poker Face,” the taught Bronx guitar pop of the Kezners.

COMING SOON: X Number of albums from ’09 that made me do whatever the opposite of jizzing in your pants is (a.k.a. the worst rekkids of the past three sixty five).

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One response to “Nine Albums From ’09 That Created An Embarrassing Situation In My Pants”

  1. Balloon Boy says :

    What no American Idol albums?

    That sound you just heard was your credibility facing a firing squad!

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