The Airing Of Grievances
Today is Festivus, the holiday “Seinfeld” fans cling to because it reminds them Wayne Knight once had a career. I’m not about that feats of strength nonsense, but I can get down on some grievance airing. Let’s roll:
Dad: When you cut down the trees next to your house, you did not take into account the fact I would one day return to watch TV on the family room couch. Now, as I lay down to enjoy reruns of “King Of The Hill,” the setting sun shines unrelentingly into my eyes. I feel like a solar eclipse is occurring atop my face. This shall not stand.
Major Video Game Company Corporate Offices: Don’t send two people on vacation at the same time and have their individual voicemails direct you to the other person. That’s fucked. Get your head outta your ass.
France: Two Hundred Euros for blue jeans? Really? Wait ’til I go to Paris and open a T.J. Maxx. Your citizens are gonna flip a biscuit when they find jeans for twenty bucks.
Deli Near My House: Why you ain’t got blueberries whenever I go down there exclusively to get blueberries? Funk dat!
Dog Who Stood In The Doorway Of The Thrift Shop I Went To Today: You think you’re better than me? You can’t stop me from leaving. You can’t force me to buy anything. You don’t even have opposable thumbs.
People Who Made The Second Alvin & The Chipmunks Movie: In the gentle words of Pearl S. Buck, you go to hell. You go to hell and you die.
John Krasinski: Get a new facial expression.
Jack In The Box: If you aren’t going to open any locations in New York City, stop advertising there. You get me all worked up for a breakfast sandwich, and then I remember the closest JITB is in Ohio. Suck my butt.
Old Men In Airports: Last time I checked, I did not have a sign hanging around my neck that says, “TALK TO ME ABOUT COLLEGE FOOTBALL.” Please keep this in mind when you look at me and begin opening your mouth to make some point about Appalachian State.
Onions: Taste better raw.
Farts: Smell better.
Phew. That felt pretty good!