Ten Songs The Roots Could Have Played For Michele Bachmann Instead Of “Lyin’ Ass Bitch”

Maura Johnston at the Village Voice wrote a piece about the Roots/Michele Bachmann controversy today, the gist of which was basically, “Hey, why didn’t they play that Megadeth song ‘Liar’ instead of Fishbone’s tune what unnecessarily insults gender?” Maura has a point, and it’s great to see such a super hip music journalist pay service to one of Megadeth’s more obscure numbers. Yet I can’t entirely sanction “Liar” because it’s a smear against founding Megadeth guitarist Chris Poland that goes off the deep end by attacking every member of Poland’s immediate family. And I quote: “Your sister is a junkie, gets it anyway she can / your brother’s a gay singer in a stud leather band.”

Hey, we understand you were totally cheesed off, Dave Mustaine, but who cares if Chris Poland’s brother fronts/fronted a Village People revival act? What does that have to do with Chris hawking your equipment for drugs? Besides, didn’t you blow Megadeth’s advance for Killing Is My Business on crack cocaine? Let he who be without judgment cast the first stone, you son of a carpenter.

But I digress. There are scores of less sexist/gender offensive songs about liars the Roots could have played as Michele Bachmann trotted out to make nice with Jimmy Fallon. Here are ten of those songs.

1. Rollins Band – “Liar”

There’s no arguing Hank’s untruther classic would have been vastly more recognizable to the viewing audience than Fishbone’s “Lyin’ Ass Bitch.” Also, who wouldn’t want to hear ?uestlove’s Henry Rollins impression? Who wouldn’t want to see that normally rather subdued cat rip his shirt off and writhe around on the polished floors of Studio 6B, unleashing all the torment of his inner coffee house poet?

2. Sex Pistols – “Liar”

I don’t think we’ve ever learned who Johnny Rotten is railing against in this one. Couldn’t have been Thatcher—she didn’t take office until over a year after the Sex Pistols broke up. Since I’m a hot dog-eatin’, baseball-lovin’ American, I’ll jump to my most logical conclusion of Richard Nixon.

3. Yngwie Malmsteen – “Liar”

I was just as surprised as you to learn any Yngwie Malmsteen song had lyrics or singing. I thought his career was just one continuous thirty year guitar solo. Turns out no, Yngwie actively employs someone to yelp between his hot licks. Middle-aged Sam Ashe employees would have known this one.

4. Bikini Kill – “Liar”

“You profit from the lie, you profit from the lie” seems like an apropos refrain for any politician.

5. Queen – “Liar”

I think Freddie Mercury was contractually obligated to say “Mama” in every song he ever sung. This one’s a little different from the rest as it’s coming from the perspective of the liar. That Queen, always so introspective despite their flamboyant fashions.

6. The Replacements – “Shut Up”

The ‘Mats could have proven a dicey selection, for Bachmann hails from the same general area as Paul Westerberg’s legendary outfit (Minnesota). Do you think she’s heard enough of their material to recognize it? Ah, if she has, I bet she’s more on the Don’t Tell A Soul tip than anything pre-Slim Dunlap. It’s hard to suggestively eat a corn dog to anything off Sorry, Ma.

7. Three Dog Night – “Liar”

Granted, it’s not much of a jazzy TV show entrance theme, but that chorus really gets the point across, doesn’t it?

8. Rocket From The Crypt – “Return Of The Liar”

Actually, this should be what NBC plays every time Leno makes his “Tonight Show” entrance. OOOHH, DISS.

9. The Queers – “You’re Tripping”

People don’t use “tripping” enough in this particular context. Seems like it kinda burned out after 1991. Everyone said it back then. Yo, White House Chief of Staff John Sununu be trippin’! At any rate, the Queers seem to nail Bachmann and her line of thought rather bluntly here (“Can’t you see? / This ain’t 1943!”). Plus, Joe King would have earned like a twelve cent royalty check he could have used as a down payment on some heroin. Now that’s what I call supporting the arts!

10. The Crucifucks – “You Give Me The Creeps”

And the final word goes to Doc “23” Dart: “If you’re so fucking clever, why is everyone laughing at you?” “You Give Me The Creeps” would have been totes worth it just to see how many publications would censor the name “Crucifucks” the next day. I can almost taste FOXNEWS’s stiff discomfort (it tastes like jerky). Gutter punks would have hailed the Roots as the new Crass and Jimmy Fallon as punk rock television Jesus. Can you imagine a world where Jimmy Fallon is even cooler than he is now? It’s a world where Jon Stewart never even existed (UPDATE: Jimmy Fallon has apologized to Michele Bachmann for his band’s little indiscretion; guess he’s not as revolutionary as we thought).

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