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A Danzigcy Defined

How does one define Danzig? Maybe something like this: the type of person who would conceive his own version of Elvis Presley’s ’68 comeback special, borrow hyper-specific imagery from Elvis Presley’s ’68 comeback special to drive home the point that this in fact Glenn Danzig’s 2015 comeback special, and then highlight himself in the trailer for said comeback special making an aloof remark that “it’ll probably almost be like that Elvis thing.”

Yeah, it’ll “almost be” like “that Elvis thing,” “that Elvis thing” you’re copying to a t. “Almost.” Hoo boy, you nearly had us fooled for a second there, Glenn. I was worried about you. Nope, you’re the same ol’ crazy He-Devil!

They spent three years in post-production on “Legacy,” which I think gives credence to the rumors that most of the taping was a train wreck. At any rate, I’m interested to see it. Will Glenn Danzig actually “come back” or will this be another of his many Waterloos? Only Satan knows for sure.

#mondays

Am I right or am I right?

Another Dumb Post About Some Dink Job I Had In College

I spent the summer of 1998 working at a video store. The place was called 16,000 Movies, a boastful moniker camouflaging a sad reality—the store only had around 15,500 movies and was rounding up. We weren’t supposed to let customers know that. 15,500 is still an impressive amount of movies, though. They definitely had a ton of stuff I’d never seen or heard of before, and this store was in an area one might colorfully refer to as “the sticks.” The only time I ever saw a physical copy of Mr. Mike’s Mondo Video was at that job. So I don’t know why they thought they needed to lie.

16,000 was an alright gig. The only lasting pain stems from management consistently shutting off any movie I picked to play on the in-store tv system just two or three minutes in, making a big show of my apparently awful taste. “Oh James, how could you? King Kong vs. Godzilla? You’re driving away customers. This is going back on the shelf now.”

Meanwhile, I had to work the night Titanic was released, and at the start of that shift one of our most loyal customers showed up with a VHS tape he edited himself containing a 40 minute super cut of the “My Heart Will Go On” music video. All evening my manager rotated between that and the infamous Partyin’ With Leo tape (which is just shaky footage of Leonardo DiCaprio entering and exiting night clubs). Garbage is in the eye of the beholder.

Vindication came the weekday morning I put on Cabin Boy to the chagrin of every other employee. I think the credits were still rolling when a customer looked up toward the nearest monitor and started freaking out, Christmas morning style. I’ll never forget the joy on his face.

“Is this Cabin Boy?! I love this movie! Where is it? You gotta let me have it!”

You’re welcome, video store. That’s $3 in your pocket courtesy of J Greene.

Related to all that is the one thing I think I learned at 16k: some actors are totally critic-proof. We couldn’t keep any Eddie Murphy in stock, especially the post-Coming to America stuff. Dr. Dolittle, Metro, and Nutty Professor were constantly absent and people would stream in every day just to inquire about their availability. John Cusack was like that as well. Midnight in The Garden of Good & Evil evaporated like the cure for cancer. Sandra Bullock, she’s another one. I got a pretty clear picture of which stars would slaughter if they ever ran for office. Sandy would take a swing state like Florida in a fucking heartbeat.

Was there an adult movie section at this store? Of course there was an adult movie section, a closet in the back marked by a pair of purple saloon doors, the kind you might see if Prince remade A Fist Full of Dollars. The only title I remember from that room is Last of The Muff Divers (parodying Last of The Mohicans). A friend of mine checked it out and never returned it.

Unsolicited Landsharking On “SNL 40″ (Schwing, It’s Pat)

– watching this special you’d never know exactly how rebellious “Saturday Night Live” was at its inception or various other points in history; every clip package was a parade of smash cuts set to a steady beat, like a home run highlight reel, which robbed many classic moments of the comedic tension that made them so memorable in the first place; three and a half hours and they didn’t even show the very first “SNL” sketch in its entirety (“I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines”), the program’s mission statement, still one of the weirdest things that’s ever been on television

– there was so much hoo-ha about Eddie Murphy making an appearance, finally burying whatever cold hatchet he had with “SNL”/his “SNL” legacy, but he didn’t do anything, he just came out and expressed some gratitude while making very awkward clapping gestures; maybe Eddie does have a disease that prevents him from being funny these days

– Joe Piscopo seemed as stiff and unhappy as the real elderly Sinatra; I’m sure he was hoping for a tearful on camera reunion with Murphy; I’m sure he burst a blood vessel during Chris Rock’s monologue about Murphy being “SNL’s” Superman (Rock wasn’t wrong, though)

Wayne’s World remains the most profitable “SNL” spin-off so we’re going to have to endure Wayne and Garth reunion sketches (no matter how pointless or meandering) until Mike Myers and Dana Carvey are both dead (if Carvey dies first I’d put major cash on Myers replacing him with Bill Hader); I wish they’d let the characters age, I’m far more interested to see Wayne at fifty

– Kanye seemed pretty excited to be caught in Wayne’s World

– the best part of “SNL 40″ was of course an unscripted moment: Norm Macdonald trying to swerve the Chevy Chase introduction into the nearest ditch, a fine reminder of how brutally unsentimental the show can be (times like that are when “SNL” is tops) and how you can always rely on Norm

– related to that last point: it was wild to see the varying levels of talent on display, in the sense that you have to give Fred Armisen some kind of prop or character but Norm or Bill Murray can just come out and be themselves and everyone’s delighted

– it was cool to see Jane Curtain Weekend Updating with Tina and Amy

– it was cool to see Ellen Cleghorne

– it was not cool to see famous people “covering” their favorite characters

– I don’t know how to feel about Miley Cyrus as an entertainer or a human but she clearly has talent, by which I mean she made me give a shit about a Paul Simon song; I’d buy that rendition on vinyl

– the audience kept the applause at fair levels throughout the dead person montage; doesn’t feel like anyone was slighted, and they chose really wonderful/wonderfully evocative photos of each figure

– all those fucking montages and not one devoted entirely to the rich history of musical performance on “SNL”; sorry, legendary artists who so often were the only bits of the program worth watching, this “Californians” sketch has to be eight decades long

– ego probably prevented a lot of great comedy from happening

– “SNL” has constructed a successful enough business model that it may never go off the air; I’d like it to, only to see if another comedic incubator of its caliber would ever come along

– what a shame [obscure cast member] didn’t get any shoutouts

Unsolicited Odelay On Beckghazi

– every year we endure the Grammys and every year a not insignificant number of people are outraged when the awards fly wildly off target, as if this ceremony has ever accurately reflected anything

– theories abound that Beck’s Album of The Year win last night was the voting body’s mea culpa for snubbing his genius work Odelay! nearly two decades ago; there should just be a category called “Oops!” wherein they grant themselves the opportunity to reverse decisions from years past

– I think we all appreciate Kanye going through the motions for us

– wouldn’t it be great if all this lead to a Beck/Beyoncé collaboration?

– Beck: Scientologist; Beyoncé: Illuminati demigod; they each have five Grammys now, so let’s end this pointless conflict and get back to uncovering the evidence that will prove Lorde is actually in her late forties

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