You like the Beatles? This is better than the Beatles.
According to me, some ding dong on the Internet.
They said bagpipes could never work in rock music. They were wrong.
Everything you need to know about the late Bon Scott in three and half minutes: he’s charming, he’s got a strong voice, he’s in control, he might sock you in the face if you give him any guff. Very Sinatra, in a way, and it isn’t hard to imagine Frank putting his spin on this rakish bruiser. Of course, the Old Man woulda cut the “oi” chant, on accounta it ain’t classy.
AC/DC rewrite “T.N.T.” with the new angle: “what if we were mean, but like, professionally, as a commercial service?” The damn thing works, right down to the anguished scream that punctuates the ending.
Yes, I’m counting these as one song. “Rocker” is a hilarious freewheeling apology for the juvenile “Balls”—it’s AC/DC saying, “listen, we’re just dirty rockers, what did you expect? We’ve happily wasted one of our best slower arrangements on a drawn out testicle joke.” I realize “Rocker” did not make its debut backing up “Balls” on Dirty Deeds; I know it came out a year earlier on T.N.T. and that it only appears on the international version of Deeds, but I refuse to apologize for not being Australian. Besides, as noted, this pairing gels like Moe’s hand and Curly’s forehead.
As satisfying as watching a golden retriever chase its tail. Knocks over as much furniture, too.
A celebration of the zaftig woman built around one of history’s most shit-kicking guitar riffs. If you can’t boogie to this get the hell out of my car wash.
The sinner’s anthem, but it’s hard to tell where the protagonist is emotionally. Is he joyous? Is he resigned? Is he daring to exercise irony? It doesn’t matter when that hymnal of a chorus kicks in.
Catchy strut of blues cloaked in darkness not just because it’s about murder but because AC/DC denied it being about murder after a murderer cited it as inspiration to murder. Does that compel me to keep returning? Sure, but so does the musical performance, and I remain more mystified by Bon Scott’s decision to end the tune by impersonating Mork from Ork. If this song is really so evil Richard Ramirez would have also tried to kill Pam Dawber.
A monster truck being driven by a grizzly bear in sunglasses, crushing your fears and doubts and delivering you a sizzlin’ onion burst of empowerment. I don’t know, you try to explain the omnipresence and worth of the ultimate “hard rock” song.
This band wrote a lot of material about their dicks. This selection is the least stupid. Also, for some strange reason, I’m really partial to the lyric about the “baaaaad man cruisin’ around in a big black limousine.” Maybe that’s what I aspire to, secretly.
If I could change one thing in the world, I would reengineer cell phones so the person talking could hear their own voice in the earpiece of their phone…as someone who grew up with landlines, I can tell you: Hardwired phones were engineered and designed to give you the confidence that you were being heard—which is why people would whisper into their phones and know that they were being heard because they could hear their whispering voice in the earpiece as loud as they could hear their regular, full-volume speaking voice. It was compressed and loud and audible. And it’s a little bit of a reassurance that you’re being heard. The limitations of cell-phone technology are such that your voice would be delayed if you heard the actual, real signal. It’s not coming back in real time. So they just make the receivers dead, like you only hear the other end of the line, which is why everybody shouts into their cell phones. Nobody shouts into landlines. You can be in a phone booth by a highway and you can just talk and you can tell that people can hear you. But when you’re holding this dead object that is the cell phone, it makes you scream. And this is a very low-cost engineering solution to the problem of cellular telephony. I’ve thought about it a lot.”
– John Flansburgh, from this great interview
– I’ve never been a huge Eagles fan and this three hour doc didn’t change that, though now I’m inclined to give them respect for being another band committed to their own sound; they never kowtowed to industry pressure, they just kept doin’ that Eagles thang and let success land on them
– three hours and not one reference to the “Desperado”/”Witchy Woman” plot lines on “Seinfeld”; guess most of the Eagles weren’t too thrilled with all that
– I want to say I can’t believe there was a period where these guys had their own baseball jackets emblazoned with an “E” on the front but they also had their own plane so maybe matching jackets weren’t so crazy
– I love how proud Glenn Fry is that Cameron Crowe immediately thought of him when he was trying to figure who could play a jerkier dude than Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire
– Don Henley gives off a R’as al Ghul vibe during his talking head portions (it could just be the goatee and black turtleneck)
– at one point Glenn Fry refers to Don Felder as “the biggest asshole” in the Eagles; maybe he’s right, we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, but I’m taking Felder’s side for now because he’s the only one in the doc who tears up while discussing all this discord (I also disagree with Fry’s assertion he and Henley deserved more cash for the reunion b/c they had solo hits)
– there are two guys named Don in this band, what are the goddamn odds?
– Timothy B. Schmit seems like a Jon Wurster character
– it hit me in the feels when they showed that note Joe Walsh’s kids wrote about how proud they are of him
– Linda Ronstadt seems cool; shame she’s too sick to sing anymore
– as suspected, they play one of those guitars with two necks on “Hotel California” (b/c hiring a fourth guitarist would have just been fucking nuts)
If they made a “Freaks & Geeks” style television program about my high school years (1993-97) I’m certain this would be the theme song. It seems to capture whatever that time was about (confusion, apathy, Windows ’95). I’d also find Spacehog’s “In The Meantime” acceptable.
Potential plot lines for this program: getting my very first job at Taco Bell and nearly choking to death during my first shift after accidentally inhaling a straw wrapper; the hellish term I spent in summer school trying to pass algebra; all the bonkers stuff that happened during senior prank week (never-ending fire alarms, live mice dumped on our lunch table, a six foot cardboard cut-out of Gumby burned in effigy); various mortifications in attempted dating.
Oh, and there’s gotta be an episode that covers the shock, the grief, the utter despondence that hit my school the day Oasis cancelled the only show they were playing in the area that year. You would have thought another fucking space shuttle blew up. Oh, Noel!
UPDATE: The above trailer is no longer available “due to a copyright claim by Glen [sic] Danzig,” which is weird because I thought he was the one who released it in the first place. Unless Glen Danzig is not the Glenn Danzig we know and love but some other Danzig from an alternate dimension who has come to take what he believes is rightfully his. I don’t know. My head hurts. Original text (meant to correspond with missing vid) follows.
How does one define Danzig? Maybe something like this: the type of person who would conceive his own version of Elvis Presley’s ’68 comeback special, borrow hyper-specific imagery from Elvis Presley’s ’68 comeback special to drive home the point that this in fact Glenn Danzig’s 2015 comeback special, and then highlight himself in the trailer for said comeback special making an aloof remark that “it’ll probably almost be like that Elvis thing.”
Yeah, it’ll “almost be” like “that Elvis thing,” “that Elvis thing” you’re copying to a t. “Almost.” Hoo boy, you nearly had us fooled for a second there, Glenn. I was worried about you. Nope, you’re the same ol’ crazy He-Devil!
They spent three years in post-production on “Legacy,” which I think gives credence to the rumors that most of the taping was a train wreck. At any rate, I’m interested to see it. Will Glenn Danzig actually “come back” or will this be another of his many Waterloos? Only Satan knows for sure.
All the best this blog had to offer from the Year of the Horse. Shalom.
Artisanal Life Hack (Sorry Not Sorry): 2013 In Review
Unsolicited Notes/Thoughts On We’re A Happy Family
JG2’s Top Ten Albums & Singles Of 2013
Unsolicited Thoughts On The Price Of Gold
Q: Have You Met Carrot Top?
Derisive Names You Can Use For The Super Bowl
Area Man Acknowledges Ninja Turtle Reboot
Greg Rivera: The JG2Land Interview
“You Traded Peña?”
Unsolicited Thoughts/Notes On Dookie 20 Years Later
In Praise Of Harold Ramis
Unsolicited Thoughts/Notes On Going Berserk
An Annotated History Of Never Realized Book Projects
2001: A Ranch Odyssey
Commence au Festival
“You Really Embarrassed Me Tonight At Red Lobster.”
On Erdélyi Tamás
Mashed Potatoes Can Be Your Friends
Fifteen Hall Of Fame Drummers From The Past Score & Five
Unsolicited Thoughts/Notes On Grease 2
Boo, I Tellsya: The Absolute Toppest Horror Movies
Monte Melnick: The JG2Land Interview
Unsolicited Musings On GTA V
Unsolicited Blah Blah Blah On “The Larry Sanders Show”
Ancient Central Florida Secret: The Splendid China Winn-Dixie
Unsolicited Free Floating Vapors On Feigbusters
Unsolicited Musings On Humanoids From The Deep