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Unsolicited Weight On Rollins Band (Only Way 2 Know 4 Sure)

– this post is largely a reaction to episode three of the “Henry & Heidi” podcast wherein the titular Henry (Rollins) talks through the history of Rollins Band, a welcome discussion considering how often this group is neglected

– Rollins Band is a great example of how working hard and sticking to your guns always pays off in the long run, by which I mean you can play dissonant funk metal in your boxers and if you’re honest and don’t cop out eventually they’ll put you on MTV and the Grammys and Dennis Miller’s talk show

– during this oral recap Henry does not even give passing mention to the handful of years at the tail end of Rollins Band where Mother Superior was his backing group; this must mean the two albums from that period, Get Some Go Again and Nice, are to be considered non-canon

– re-evaluating the entire RB discography, End Of Silence has my favorite textures and moods, and overall it’s one of the most solid rock albums of its era, but when the urge to hear this unit strikes me the gut reaction is to reach for Drive By Shooting b/c it’s looser, darker, more “out there” (in filmspeak: Scorsese is the master but the slapdash of Tarantino is a bit more fun)

– interesting to learn about the heavy stuff going on circa Come In And Burn; you’d never know it from their 1997 “SNL” appearance, which belongs in the pile of that show’s legendary musical performances; first time I saw them rip through “Starve” in 8H I thought they were gonna melt the studio’s walls

– surprise: Rollins Band didn’t even want to record “Liar,” their biggest hit; it was just some goof song they did at practices until some industry person heard it and said, “That’s your next single!”

– when I saw Rollins Band in ’02 they were in a period where they weren’t playing “Liar,” which bummed me out, but they did encore with a handful of Ramones songs; if you think Rollins is intense normally you should see the guy doing “Blitzkrieg Bop” (Henry’s preamble to “BB”: “If I’m ever elected president, this will be the new national anthem”)

– trigger warning: if you listen to the podcast ep linked above, before you hear anything about Rollins Band you’re gonna hafta endure a somewhat gross story about Rollins having a hernia and not realizing it

The Dream Project

This could at least be a Funny Or Die video. In my mind, though, it runs for five seasons on ABC and crazed fans never stop speculating about a “Mumble Cops” movie. J Mascis would be shoehorned in it somewhere.

The Next “Daily Show” Host?

Just a suggestion. He’s cute (relatively), he never ages, and you can shove him in a burlap sack when he gets out of line.

Unsolicited Landsharking On “SNL 40″ (Schwing, It’s Pat)

– watching this special you’d never know exactly how rebellious “Saturday Night Live” was at its inception or various other points in history; every clip package was a parade of smash cuts set to a steady beat, like a home run highlight reel, which robbed many classic moments of the comedic tension that made them so memorable in the first place; three and a half hours and they didn’t even show the very first “SNL” sketch in its entirety (“I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines”), the program’s mission statement, still one of the weirdest things that’s ever been on television

– there was so much hoo-ha about Eddie Murphy making an appearance, finally burying whatever cold hatchet he had with “SNL”/his “SNL” legacy, but he didn’t do anything, he just came out and expressed some gratitude while making very awkward clapping gestures; maybe Eddie does have a disease that prevents him from being funny these days

– Joe Piscopo seemed as stiff and unhappy as the real elderly Sinatra; I’m sure he was hoping for a tearful on camera reunion with Murphy; I’m sure he burst a blood vessel during Chris Rock’s monologue about Murphy being “SNL’s” Superman (Rock wasn’t wrong, though)

Wayne’s World remains the most profitable “SNL” spin-off so we’re going to have to endure Wayne and Garth reunion sketches (no matter how pointless or meandering) until Mike Myers and Dana Carvey are both dead (if Carvey dies first I’d put major cash on Myers replacing him with Bill Hader); I wish they’d let the characters age, I’m far more interested to see Wayne at fifty

– Kanye seemed pretty excited to be caught in Wayne’s World

– the best part of “SNL 40″ was of course an unscripted moment: Norm Macdonald trying to swerve the Chevy Chase introduction into the nearest ditch, a fine reminder of how brutally unsentimental the show can be (times like that are when “SNL” is tops) and how you can always rely on Norm

– related to that last point: it was wild to see the varying levels of talent on display, in the sense that you have to give Fred Armisen some kind of prop or character but Norm or Bill Murray can just come out and be themselves and everyone’s delighted

– it was cool to see Jane Curtain Weekend Updating with Tina and Amy

– it was cool to see Ellen Cleghorne

– it was not cool to see famous people “covering” their favorite characters

– I don’t know how to feel about Miley Cyrus as an entertainer or a human but she clearly has talent, by which I mean she made me give a shit about a Paul Simon song; I’d buy that rendition on vinyl

– the audience kept the applause at fair levels throughout the dead person montage; doesn’t feel like anyone was slighted, and they chose really wonderful/wonderfully evocative photos of each figure

– all those fucking montages and not one devoted entirely to the rich history of musical performance on “SNL”; sorry, legendary artists who so often were the only bits of the program worth watching, this “Californians” sketch has to be eight decades long

– ego probably prevented a lot of great comedy from happening

– “SNL” has constructed a successful enough business model that it may never go off the air; I’d like it to, only to see if another comedic incubator of its caliber would ever come along

– what a shame [obscure cast member] didn’t get any shoutouts

Mysterious Figure Spotted In Historical Document

“The Facts of Life”: everyone remembers this classic 1980s sitcom about a group of young women attending a private school in upstate New York. I’ve been watching a lot of it lately because my roommate acquired the DVD box set containing all nine seasons (lord have mercy). Repeated viewings of the season one intro have brought something very odd to our attention.

The last bit of footage in the opening montage shows the main characters rolling around playfully on the lawn of their school, as young women are so often known to do. If you look in the upper right hand corner you’ll notice a lone figure on the sidewalk in the background. Arms folded over a red shirt, the figure is looking directly at the frolicking girls…it’s hard to tell if this person is just observing or passing some kind of judgment.

In the grand tradition of conspiracy vernacular I have dubbed this individual “Jeans Man,” because it looks like a man and they are wearing jeans. Who is Jeans Man? A curious student of California’s Pomona College, where they shot the “Facts of Life” intro? A bored crew member? A time traveler from the far off year of 1991? Someone the director deliberately placed to confound viewers during late night DVD binges?

A Google search for “red shirt facts of life season one” yields nothing. If you have any information about the true identity of Jeans Man, what he was doing in 1979 when this footage was shot, and what he’s doing today, please do not hesitate in contacting local authorities. Together we can get through the looking glass on this one.

JG2’s Toppest Albums & Singles Of 2014 (Annotated Edition)

I only continue to do this because Village Voice forces me via the Pazz & Jop ballot. The 2014 lists are dedicated to young one Rik Mayall. Rik, your death continues to fill me with profound sadness.

JG2’s TOPPEST ALBUMS OF 2014

1. Babymetal – BABYMETAL

Who knew Kawaii could save metal from itself? Japanese school girls bring ABBA-esque melody and untold charisma to extreme rock’s grim battlefield, setting off an hour that would wow Francis Scott Key. BABYMETAL is the year’s black and blue dance party pinnacle.

2. Run The Jewels – RTJ2

Another swift upper cut from the dynamite Killer Mike + El-P combo. No time wasted, so space misused, so very authentic. Any other rappers who might brag about “teabag[ing] a piranha tank” would be laughed off the Internet. Extra points for the Zack De La Rocha cameo.

3. Cannabis Corpse – From Wisdom To Baked

Death metal and pot have paralleled each other in ascent to the mainstream, so perhaps death metal about pot was inevitable. A hilarious grind even if you’ve never cradled a bong or owned Eaten Back To Life on vinyl.

4. Riff Raff – Neon Icon

All the benefits of cotton candy with none of the hangover. Sealed his place on this list the second he referenced Mario Kart in the slippery party starter “Kokayne.” What a crime that song wasn’t released as a single.

5. Ghostface Killah – 36 Seasons

“Staten Island ain’t the same”; thankfully Ghostface is, which means we’re in a renaissance. This hip hop + soul gumbo simmers on the stovetop. You can feel the heat but it’s oh so comforting.

6. Brody Dalle – Diploid Love

If Dalle is looking to secure a Joan Jett legacy this is a rabbit kick in the right direction. Feisty, self-assured, endlessly anthemic (thanks mostly to Brody’s smoky vocal heft). Extra points for the Shirley Manson cameo.

7. The Oath – The Oath

Roaring doom rock worthy of soundtracking your next exorcism. Johanna Sadonis’s ghostly wail has a numbing effect, which is perfect salve for the sonic panzer behind her. Unfortunately, these evil nieces of Heart have already broken their Oath (the band dissolved last year).

8. Nashville Pussy – Up The Dosage

Meanwhile, below the Mason-Dixon Line, gnarly shit-kickers tell it like it is, even when it doesn’t benefit their agenda (see “The South’s Too Fat To Rise Again”). If rock is dead Nashville Pussy’s trying to punt the corpse, and that’s plenty entertaining.

9. Del The Funky Homosapien – Iller Than Most

Technically a mixtape that Del himself described as “nothing super heavy,” but Iller packs plenty of finely focused disco robot punch. The Homosapien flow slips and slides all over, never going off track, occasionally offering refreshing candor (see the Beastie Boys shout out).

10. Blood Red Shoes – Blood Red Shoes

Delightfully growling and disaffected effort from this Brit pop garage duo. May not be their strongest composition-wise but it sets a fine mood (if you enjoy standing in moderate rain at the bus stop).

JG2’s TOPPEST SINGLES OF 2014

1. Riff Raff – “Tip Toe Wing In My Jawwdinz”

Captures all the bleary intrigue of staying awake until sunrise.

2. Brody Dalle – “Meet The Foetus/Oh The Joy”

A cold, futuristic ballad whose melancholy crashes into nihilistic punk sneer.

3. Run The Jewels – “Oh My Darling Don’t Cry”

This density traps you under its rigid thumb, slowing you to an intense crawl.

4. Nicki Minaj – “Anaconda”

To paraphrase J. Lydon, don’t accept the old order, destroy it.

5. “Weird Al” Yankovic – “Handy”

If Al decided to focus on nerdcore rap I don’t think any of us would complain.

6. Primus – “Pure Imagination”

Just demented enough to satiate.

7. RHCP2014 – “Abracadabralifornia”

Jon Daly gets the Chili Peppers in his cross hairs and I shit myself laughing.

8. Sia – “Push (Feeling Good On A Wednesday)”

More uplifting than a “South Park” spin-off has any right to be.

9. Kidz Bop – “Wrecking Ball”

This is probably how Disney era Miley would have approached it, right?

10. The Oath – “All Must Die”

Sexy swagger de la muerte.

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